Very sad song. Especially the two lines: 

“I dont trust humans anymore” and 

“you can not sit down if you are nobodys guest”

Thats pretty worrysome if one puts this in the song. I am really heartbroken. Red alert. Though, it must work as a remedy – put your worries and pain into song and you will feel easier. Share your pain and the pain will be half easier. Same as I am writing here. A form of therapy.

But you have to find someone to trust. Let it be “inhuman” then, let it be me. One said “you can not love anyone unless you understand him/ her”. Thats so simple and so true. Love, in a way, is a fiction, a dream, an illusion. You dont love anyone. You are just delusional, high on happyness. Until the everyday hits in, until you realise you have been used and abused as in Annie Lennox song. Some of us want to be used. Some of us want to be abused. Technically its just basic need to be included to some group. Be a part of something. I guess. I have never been voluntarely part of anything except my friends and family. Rest of the groups I was forced into, we all are – kindergarden, school, work. 

I am my own guest always, so I invite myself to sit down. I dont give rats ass about what others think. Yes, I am polite. But still, I understand myself way more, hence, I love myself way more than anyone possibly can. There are things I can not even say out, less explain to anyone as I am short of words. So all in all only I can love myself to max. I dont expect anyone to invite me to anything, even to sit down. I create my own rules, my own little world, where I can swirl, sit, dance, scream, do whatever I wish. I dont need anyones permission.

I know I am a nutcase. But in general people are kind. That I do believe. Even after being hurt so much and so severely that some people who have lived similar life have ended their sufferings. I chose differently. I objected to being forced, or humiliated. I took it silently and pretended its all OK. Its not healthy, but when you are 3 or 4 years old you dont have a choice nor understanding that you can choose. You just take it and hope it will end. I learned. I grew up to be the nutcase but I love myself. Nobody can take away the severe abuse. Nobody can take away the fact that nobody believed me. But it all formed me. And I still believe. 

I do believe. But I am certainly not naive. You cant fool me. Nobody can fool me. I see right through if one tries to fool me. I am an old cat. You dont want to try me. You will regret big time. I will give my all. But if I find cheating, lies, betrayal, there is no mercy. No mercy ever. Cheating and betrayal are the end of relationship. Its not the physical cheating. That I dont consider much important. Or, to be correct, there is much more important level of betrayal. I am talking about betrayal of soul, mind, mental or extraordinary connection that can be found so very rarely. Its the odd wifi connection that maybe not everyone even feels in life. Its when you close your eyes and for a moment there think of your love (as we tend to think shallow, we think love excists and we call our yet another “significant other” my love, bunny or honey, or pumpkin) and then, exactly that moment he calls you. And so every day for many years. Or, you know when he is sad or upset and you feel pinches in your chest, right by the heart, or even short of breath. You know when he does what even without seeing or hearing for days! Telepathic connection? Or just craving, lust? Probably all things together as people want to be belonging to some place, share, enjoy, give and receive.  

My upbringing made me be very pragmatic. Surviving. I take no shit. Unless I take shit that is. With that note, vital one, I close the day. With that blog I hope to cure myself, or at least get the shit out of me. Good word. With that writing I hope to give out inspiration to Johnny Depp to create lyrics to may new songs and fill the surroundings with good vibrations. And to create a life worth living. Wish to cuddle all the worries away.

Just realised. 

I have not seen any Johnny Depp movie. Just bits of Scissorhands and one of the pirate film where he had eyes drawn on eyelids (hilarious, when I will be top manager I shall keep an eye on my staff the same way), 2-3 minutes and thats all. Why so, I know. I saw his eyes and I could not watch. The pain is overwhelming. Too much to take. And people tend to avoid pain. So, sorry, I guess. Or whatever one says when “caught” like that. JD is still the hottest Hatter ever.