How can you miss someone or something that you never had? 

Is it craving? 

Immense hope that it is what you really really want?

How can you say you really miss Pontiac Firebird if you never had it? Or is the word “miss” wrong in such occasions? Maybe there are better words for it. 

But I sure miss Johnny Depp. Or is it craving. How can you crave if you never had it? Its so ridiculous because I have never even seen any movie with him in it. Except some train movie just lately. Some murder mystery. Now pardon me for not having memory for names, I am really terrible with names. Especially after stroke. No, I am not that old. I am not an old bat. Yet. But I had stroke some 15 years ago. Learned to talk again. But did not bother to train my memory. Partly because I did not realise I had memoryloss or any issues with memory. 

/sidenote/ I am now watching the word “train” – is there one look but two meanings or am I missing something/ too lasy to look up/ or am I writing the “training” wrong/ 

/sidenote 2/ I probably wrote another wrongly/ “vise” or “wise”/ I started to think one of these doesnt mean anything…. but which one   

Probably a wrong word, miss, missing. Come to think about it. What if the person or thing you “miss” turns out to be a total a-hole, total crap. Or, say you really want a house. You think you want a house. You get a house. Then, to your utmost surprise you realise the lawn needs to be mowed every bloody week and you are the victim that has to stroll around with numb expression for half a day. In few years time you hate every metre of it, you realise its just costs and costs and costs. It will be blessing, they said…..

Or, you figured you really need a man in your life. So you go and get one. Juicy. You are blinded, you are deaf to everyone but him. Promises silver moon and hand in hand walk to the other end of the world. When the butterflies drop dead you realise this bloody guy eats you to bancruptcy! Because, you dummy, figured only the inside counts and you ignored he is unemployed, has no home and loves beer. Just like you love beer, you thought. Then two years later you see your bankaccount and realise he has eaten all your savings and you can forget about the new washingmachine. 

But you are not shallow. 

But you have no savings anymore.

He is still living at your place.

He has brought poor relatives to hang around on national holidays as you feed them all.

Then you hear threats from the poor relatives….stating there are,  in fact, bricks falling and dogs attacking on the street. One of them promises to hunt me down with dogs and have them fuck me sensless. Nice “family”, eh!

What on Earth happen and where was I when all this shit (both situation and people!) ended up to be my responsibility?

So you cut them all off.

Now you are bad.

But at least you can afford living again.

And then you celebrate freedom! 

You put on AC/DC, Metallica, Rammstein or Alice Cooper “Poison” (right now playing!), pour yourself a megapint, pour yourself a nice bubbly bath, set some candles and…

Then you order robot to mow the lawn

Then you order tickets for London just for yourself

Then you change the locks

Then in few months you take that new washingmachine

Love or even “missing” something or someone is just endless costs.

So why?

Endless circle?

Addiction?