Oh, my my, how good I am 🙂

The less I sleep the more I am able to do within a day. Sew curtains, bake cake, arrange party, dig holes into garden, clean terrace, feed wild cats (they have multiplied again), dig some more holes into garden. I mean I am invincible! Only problem is that motivation is hard to keep as ten times more is needed to be done. I am creating a huge garden and I have so many flowers that I need to plant to their more or less new forever home. But as I do everything alone it takes me ages. Years and years, but I am really pleased of the “journey” as its hip to say. I would call it work in progress. Hard work, but it really is pleasing when you see progress. Slow, but steady.

I wish I could share it with someone. But apparently I am a difficult person. Too strong and too stubborn. Well, you have to be if you suffered abuse in childhood, lived on streets as a teenager (in region where winter gets -25C degrees) and survived all that. I am not telling everyone my life story, but boy, how annoying are the people who just complain and complain when they can not buy their fav sigarettes of the last model of Nike’s. I just tell them, sometimes, when I am fed up with this yapping… I say, man, you have 10 pairs of sneakers from which each pair cost more than some persons monthly income, you have choice to quit smoking and live healthy. I did have only one pair of sandals in 1994 when the winter hit. Open toe sandals. And no money, no work, no place to live. And I was a child, a teenager from deep countriside suddenly in a big city. Survived the winter by sleeping in the corridors, basements or attics. Got a job, kept myself tidy washing my hair and important bits in the toiletsink at work. Got another job, lied of my age so got a job at a bar. There is agelimit. I said I am 18, painted my face to look older and served drinks. Long hours, drunk clients, stupid job really. Worked for food and drink. Ended up being drunk a whole year straight! 🙂 Fun times! I literally lived in this bar as I still did not have proper place to live, no winterboots, and anyways, all the money I made I converted into a booze. One moment when I was arrested for too loud singing on the street at night, sitting in station filling up papers, I figured there must be different life. Officers said I am underage and they could send me to the institiution which is like a mix of prison and boarding school. I lied that I have home and I will return there, to live with my parents like one does. So they let me go….. There must be sober days, normal work, a place to live, even a normal school perhaps!?

So cut the crap and start living. You havent seen anything, living at moms place at 30 years old, mommy paying all your costs including a fancy car, feeding you. Fuck off you useless brat. That the end of that short “relationship”. I dont waste my time on such people. Nothing in common, not a single similar understanging. 

I still wish to share my life with someone. Someone who understands. Someone who doesnt use me. I have tried. I have even cried. Cried because my efforts were not enough. Understanding it in some odd random moment was so painful I lost contact with life. Was walking-talking-living in a haze, dont remember anything from that time. Sorry, from THESE times. I have had a few relationships that I thought are “forever”. Naive, yes. Hoplessly in love, yes. Was good when it lasted. 

I am thinking that the truth could be each persons own. Meaning one and the same situation could be understood totally different by two people. As in some anecdote the couple goes out and electricity shuts down. Later the lady explains to girlfriends: oo, he was such a romantic! He put on candles and made fire to fireplace, and then we cuddled all night while he remained total gentleman….. The same situation explained by the guy to his friends: fuck, I could not get the dinner done because there was no electicity so I had to put on candles and fireplace to keep warm. As it was freezing we kept close to each other to keep warm. Needless to say I did not score as she fell asleep on my arm so I could not move, real waste of time!

I was in love once. He was 20 years older. Felt as this is forever. He told me he had already 6 kids with 3 different ladies. I could see why. He was hot as hell. Oldest kid was 2 year younger than me. Younger kids, 5 years younger than me, came to my place to hang around…. Charmed his way to my virginity. He was my first love, I was naive. One night he came, dressed fancy, suit, white shirt, cufflings even! I gave my all as always, wine, fireplace, hot steaming fireworks not only in bed. In the mornig he ran out, said he is late to an appointment. I thought it strange as it was Saturday. Two weeks later I found local newspaper that my sister had hidden from me (I would have burned it to make sure, but my sis was not that dramatic…. or she wanted me to see it…). So on the first page was my love, in the same fancy suit, white shirt, shiny and happy. Hand in hand with his new bride he married that Saturday mo two weeks ago. I believe it was near death experience. 

Heard he actually had 3 more kids with 3 different ladies at the time we were dating. Simultaneously dating 4 gals, getting 3 of them pregnant. Really helpful guy. High level personal services. He destroyed me. Never seen him again.