Yipppiiiii!!School is out for summer! 

Flowers, dresses, high heels, parties, bubbly, sunshine, more bubbly!!!

Oh I cant wait this Sunday is my graduation! Havent worn a dress for ages. I mean fancy dresses. Everyday floursacks dont count. Though I am invincible, hot and stylish even in these :). And no, I am not that young. Its not my first, second nor third school but still it was a challenge to keep on going and not to give up. Its not easy to force oneself to switch your years of routine and add one more responsibility. But I made it. Only half of our class who started, finished. Thats a big loss on the way. And even more thats a big thing that I was not lost out of this bunch. I am very proud. And I graduated with honours! Max points on exam! Old but good :). Like vine. 

Currently seems I am not able to get to Helsinki to festival to see Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp. Thats a bummer. It cant get worse than that. Must be faith has been working against me. Devastated. No words can describe what it feels like being so close but still worlds apart. Sea apart. Planeride apart. I can feel him coming closer. I must be nuts. Totally lost me marbles. But I would give all. Nothing less but all. Thats just me. Trying not to cry.

😦

I am thinking of taking on another challenge, sailing. Once I live by the sea, once I am originally from island and my father, grandpa, and literally all grandgrandgrands and uncles …all were seamen. Few of them actually captains! And I have this strange urge always when it comes to sea, beer, rum, fish and oysters, and dancing on tables then I am pretty sure its in my blood. I have been training well over the years too, especially the rum and beer part when I was a teenager pretending to be full aged and working in a bar. You cant run from whats in your blood. The more I live the more I realise that. Going around the world is fun, but every now and then I notice how it drags me back home. Not every day. But when going gets tough. Then I go. Only to realise its suffocating me. I can only briefly endulge in the place where my roots are. As if I have Stockholm syndrome and the island is keeping me hostage. Kept me hostage. And I keep on going back though I know its bad for me. Bad and good at the same time. Good as I see that I got out of the darkest place on Earth. A place that was sweet and warm, and violent and deadly the next moment. I need to see that I made it out. That I am better. I need to see that every now and then to get back on track. I know why I liked horrormovies and thrillers, original and decent ones. Not the weird ones with odd creatures from the outer space, not the ones trying to be comedy and horror in one. I liked to watch them so I could see “they” had worse life than me. It kept my spirits up. Because I was in so deep shit its almost unreal. I am still impressed I survived. And by the looks of it I came out normal. If one can measure it :)…. I know may people who tell me I am totaly the biggest QQ they know. I take it as I sure have a lot of fun being QQ. Would not have it any other way!

There is invisible connection with siblings. I suppose everyone has it… but maybe not. I have. I went years without seeing my brother. First he went to school for three years. Then he went to soviet army for two years. We did not meet because of the distance and because we could not afford trip home. Now as adult I can go, without notice, step in to my brothers place, say Hi, open beer and sit down. Without words. We dont need words. I know its a tad strange. Going after two years and sit in silence with my brother. We hear eachother without words. Its so peaceful, calm. Its my backup. He is my safehaven. Oh, I am crying now. 

I wish I could share the pictures here in the blog. Maybe there is a feature to do that, I have to study the site. I love the weather today. Its not very long summers here, mere three months or so, and its our duty to take max from the sunshine in order to survive next winter. Barefoot running in fields and gardens, swimming in crispy sea (the water obviously is hot for kids, but freezing for adults), sunbathing naked. The last is ofcourse something you need to make sure not to disturb traffic or neighbours with. I was just topless mowing lawn but the blody mashine gave up on me – some bolt has disappeared and I have to fix it. Naked ofcourse, one can be in private garden, not city. And I have just the right place. I have been building my hideout for some fifteen years now, take it or leave it a few. The setbacks came, as always, when one is not ready. My moms passing swept me off from my feet for almost two years. It was immensly exhausting time. All that could go wrong, went wrong. Every single thing. I get exhausted just by thinking about that time. 

In short it was so: 

We broke up my long term relationship, 13 years, while pregnant 5 months. Imagine, I was not enough anymore while carrying his son. 

Moved out with one go, I had just clothes on my back and computer for work.

Went and bought my first real own home.

Then, while I was 6 months pregnant, my mom got stroke, hospitalised, paralyzed. 

I had stroke while 8 months pregnant, half body paralyzed, speech impairment earlier wrote about it. Fun times.

Gave birth to my son.

Got fired from work when son was 1 month old. The company I worked for reasoned it: I got pregnant without telling my bosses. They actually said that. Also stated that my work was done excellent……. So in short I got fired for having sex 🙂 

After getting fired next day I received a call. Mom died.

Then there was a whole year of dark haze. Horror. No sleep, nothing to eat, no power to move. Within this one year following happened:

Ran out of money when son was 1 year old.

Almost got evicted (dont know if thats the correct word, but I almost lost my home due to debts)

Got huge accident at home, 1 in a million chances: water flood over all apartment, destroying all floors and wooden furniture. Luckily insured, but still …. no place to go with my son!!!!

I wish someone could save me, rescue me. I dream of the day when I could be like a girl. I know it sounds like a clishee. But I am sometimes so very sad that I have to be everything, I have to be both man and a woman in my life. Fix lawnmower, build a house, fix my car, change tyres. And then every goddamn day breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, dishes, driving places, AND WORK yet. I am just on the edge sometimes. It becomes too much to handle for one person. I want to be like a girl sometimes. Even with the high level of testosterone. Why I dont get flowers, just like that. Why I dont get to go to fancy restaurant without paying myself. Why there is not even single prince. Where the fuck is this prince? Playing guitar with Jeff Beck?