What a lovely time of the year! What a lovely time of life it should be. Summer, long legs, short skirts, warm breeze, sandy beaches, long kisses, holding hands, telling sweet nothings.

Just realised I never had anything like that. Apart of the summer weather and short skirts. I mean I have usual legs. Not the typical mudstompers look, but nothing unusual either. I am blessed with straight legs, thats for sure, so short skirts caused some real trouble in traffic (no casualities, only heavy and rather costly repairs). But I am talking long kisses, holding hands, telling sweet nothings. I have missed out on those. How did that happen!? Or, I had them, but it was just so long ago that my brain backupfiles have been overwritten? Was there love ever? Was it just lust? Was I used? Did I use someone? Could be my understanding in the past did not match with the understanding of others.

Maybe, just maybe, he loved me but I just simply used him to get off from the streets? He asked me, convinced me for few months before I agreed to move in. I gave up my freedom, exchanged it to roof, warm meals and comfy bed? I just realised that some people could read it as if I was cheap bitch!

Oh, I am having identity crisis or midlife crisis or some other crisis now. Time to buy that Ducati Monster that I always dreamed of? I dont really care what anyone thinks of me. I do anyway as I will, come good or bad out of it. Gutfeeling never failed me. But I am really sad that suddenly when you are down nobody gives a fuck. Over the years we have become so shallow. All gogogo! and no time to just wander off to forests or gaze wildbirds or waves crushing into beach, just sit and do fuck all. I like that English modern expressions :). We dont know how to just BE. As inuits say you only know your true friend when the ice breaks. I sometimes wonder if anyone can know anyone so good there is never any misunderstandings, no conflicts, no errors. Seems, even if you trust, love, give all, you can be destroyed with just one blink of an eye. How else to overcome this tragic betrayal except with being naive again. So we are willing to get hurt again, voluntarily! Funny creatures we are! 

I am very good living on my own, doing as I please, satisfied in general. But then I wake up at night at 3 to go to pee. Its Midsummers night, the longest day here. As I dont have running water (unless I make it run from hose :)) and the toilet is outside in the back of the garden I reluctantly climb out of warm bed and trot to garden. Its already bright, fresh morning, the sun is up high already almost looks like she did not go down even. I go barefoot on the gras, it feels like my feet are terribly thirsty and I cant get enough of this morning dew wet grass. I drag my feet on grass to catch every drop of the water. Everything is so fresh and I feel cold as I just came out of bed wearing only t-shirt. I dont go to toilet, I am too lazy. I squat right here by the terrace. Someone is splashing water in the small lake I have by the house. This someone is very happy! I try to see if its bird or beaver or someone else. Ahh, whoever it was, saw me first and did not come to view anymore. Damn! I do my thing, slide my hands over the wet grass. A natural handwash it is. I slide once more and tap my face with it. Uhh, I am all awake and the same moment I see baby fox in my backyard playing hide n seek with someone. Shouldnt they be asleep?? Its crisp morning, not cold but I am shaking. I run to the door, run upstairs and get to bed dragging all seven blankets over me. I have my personal heating techniques since childhood – I sit as yogi, fold myself into two halves creating sort of a room between my legs and torso, and breath warm air onto my toes. Its good. I thought I will not go back to bed, but these lazy times get me. I wake up two hours later in the same position. Yes, I could join the circus. Its also the reason I dont mind travelling in tight conditions. I just fold myself on my seat and sleep. The ability to fold myself was also very handy when I was out of money. I then went to bar crawling and found a guy or guys, got some drinks and started chatting away. When the talks came to work or hobbies I stated I make bets and I always win. 100% of the time this statement is intriguing. Next they always wanted to know what kind of bets. So I say various, but today I can put legs behind my neck, but it will cost you. Its always a lot of laughing and fun and shouting, but then the mood is also high. So they ask how much and I usually say 500 Eur for one, 800 Eur for two and tell they have to put the money under my drink. So its a blast! Whatever they want after payment done, either both legs or one, I do it right there at the bar on the barstool. If they ask for one I ask them to choose left or right. I once fooled one guy when I said “I can put legs behind the neck” and he did not think much of it…. gave money and I put one of my legs behind his neck 🙂  Then he was slightly dissapointed so I put my leg behind my neck too, to give him the real value :). Yeah, this has been my partytrick but it only works first time. But gave me quite many megapints over the years. I earned my “crazy blonde” nickname with honours! It has been a long time since I earned some hard cash with me legs. 

Time to move forward. 

Its nighttime.

I want to take chances. But dont know how. There is 15 million fans in Johnny Depp Facebook, another countless amount on some fanpages. Haaaaah, thats a huge selection. A lot to choose from. Or not to choose at all. Or choose some old one. Even though everyone knows preheated soup is never good.

If you, Johnny ever see that blog, please be my penpal 🙂

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

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XOXOX