Letter of application.

I just figured I need to sell myself to Johnny Depp as a personal assistant. The ofcourse, I would work towards becoming very personal assistant. You see I have been trained in almost everything a good personal assistants would/should/could know! Except piloting, but that was indeed my higher education goal until I found out the school is in Ukraine. That time I was homeless so no matter how I tried I was not going to make it to Ukraine pilots school. But that doesnt mean I cant get the licence done now. Though not in Ukraine for obvious reasons.

So, about my knowledge and experiences. I speak five languages, but want to learn a few more. Missing are Spanish and Frensh. Though not needed at all in my todays life as there are like seven spanish living here (and they speak English), and I have no business contact either. But that could change, and I would like it to change. I dont list the languages because then one could guess my location. That will be clear only when Johnny Depp accepts my CV for VPA position.

I am an excellent driver. I have clean record, I started early, ealier than allowed some 6-7 years so my experience is actually more years than usual. I could do it because I was rebel and I lived on island where were a lot of forestroads so I just headed out there. I actually worked like sober driver when I was 12 years old. They would not let me into nightclub obviously, but all my friends were legal age so I just drove around getting them to places. Then I also participated in truckrallies for a while. And mind you, that was not Volvo or Sisu or Scania trucks that time. That was killer russian magic called GAZ51 or GAZ52. That means after few rounds driving with this motherf..cker your body colour is blue, violet, almost black, your hands lost contact with your brain long ago and the only thing is to pedal the gas as strong as you can because when you slow down others like you will catch you :). And lets be hones, nobody, NOBODY, catches me on anything. I completed the emergency driver courses – that means the firefighters or police or emergency  – when I get old I might do that as a sidejob. Courses were testing driving skills on high, I would say extreme!, speed, durability – driving 12 hours straight with high speed on boring tracks. Also, ofcourse, the moose tricks and other unexpected situations that could occurr on any drivers life. You know the simple rules that one in real life suddenly struggles with –  like when moose is on the road you avoid, when fox is on the road you add speed and ignore. So I am an excellent driver. My best feature is to park backwards to pocket. Sometimes my friends just get out of the car to watch the magic happen. I know. But they cant do that parking and its hilarious. … Must be that I have a tad too much testosterone in me :). Or, genes! My mom drove everything on land, sea and even helicopter!!! I promise I dont have mustache though!

… Iggy Pop Passenger on now, how appropiate timing!!….

I play. Everything and everywhere! As I am a lot of fun in every possible chance I play cards, poker, pool (for a moment there I am not sure what the term is, either snooker, biljard or pool?). I used to teach the game, so rarely when someone else wins. But I am generous, I can do my best to lose :). I have played golf, like it a lot, but alone is a bit boring….We have very well established discgolf fields which, mind you, are free to use for anyone! Gocarting, tennis, anything goes where is any chance to win! And that includes bedroom too. And there is no losers there.

I have two higher education. Even though I completed them I must say I was naturally so smart that I barely learned anything. I focused on my weaknesses so I went to Uni for financial management, investments and accounting. Basically learned to count money that I dont have. No regrets, got a very good classmates there. Also got first and last English lessons, exams straight A. Its funny because my teacher did not believe I had no previous English lessons but I was the top two students in English lessons. The first place was girl who by that time had learned English for 13 years. And I explained again that I learned from Oxford Dictonary, Modern Talking, Madonna, Gary Moore and Roxette 🙂 and many other artists. And no, I am not saying I am anywhere near perfect in English, plus I also like to play with slang, words, expressions. But I can make myself clear usually. I hope 🙂 

Anyways, the education supported me a bit when getting rather well-paid positions in various international companies. My first real job, after bartending and drinking my teenage years away, was at russian company where nobody spoke anything but Russian. Day in day out my brain worked in Russian mainly and translated everything into local and English languages. Second success came with German company. Then I worked in four languages every day and sometimes my brain shut down when translating on spot – I was speaking to Russians in English, just doing it very slow as if they then would understand :). Fun times!

I am trained in manicure, hairdressing (no colouring though) and massage. Lately I took some cooking courses too. Must say learned a few things, particulary the technical things one needs to succeed. Needless to say thats an excellent combo for someone like Johnny Depp! As I was born female I can do makeup too and pedicure.

I make a mean roast and crepes. I can BBQ such meals not a bone is left! I am a late bloomer in kitchen, but again, my will to win drives me to succeed in every field. As much as I have hosted a party I have delivered excellent food. Yes, its exhausting, but I can do it every now and then because of the satisfaction. 

Things I can do just naturally:

curse well in few languages, especially good in Russian. Extremely suitable for villain role in any Hollywood or independent movie :). 

I am a looker too!

fix things, say washingmashine, lawnmower, coctail

feed someone. Mainly humans but also stray animals

sew things other than curtains. Times were tough here – meaning nothing was sold in shops – so I created my own wardrobe of office suits, pants, dresses, skirts, you name it.

build things including houses, terraces, pergolas, bridges (personal use sizes)

communicate with animals and sometimes with humans. Cats, dogs and human kids like me for whatever they sense in me. Grew up in a farm, so cows, horses, piggies, mutant rodents, wasps and anything inbetween dont scare me. 

Off to beach now

So, if this blog now finally gets to the destined receptionist, please Johnny send me a note to themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX