I am watching the series of Hot in Cleveland and Golden Girls already years. Every now and then I get so sad, lonely and hurt I have only one solution to get out of this. So I watch these funny series again and again. It does not give much hope that I ever find someone to grow old with. But the same time I probably will be somehow living with a few girlfriends… you never know. But then again it strikes me that I am not suitable to be in a herd. I love being alone. But this company of myself sometimes is not enough. Then I burst into tears in the middle of cooking or in the middle of the road driving. Like today. Had to stop the car as I could not see the traffic. Dragging my tail in the sea…..

Just checked up on my brother. Same old same old. 

Would 23rd story be the lucky one to finally get to Johnny?

Soon summer will be over. The heatwave in Europe, the heavy rains to ruin the crops, everyday surviving the ever high costs in the country that is the most expensive to live in. Well, yeah, we are leading!!! Leaders in suicide rate and inflation! What else to wish for 😉 

Thats my love story. None. Literally nonexistent. Pity. Sometimes it feels like wasted life. Bird on a wire. Again raining. Crying in the rain, thats how I hide my sorrow and pain. Soothing Leonard Cohen singing me lullabies. 

Some time ago, when I realised I am not enough I thought I will die of the pain. Pain of being dumped, betrayed, realizing I was not important. At all. It was all an illusion. It was good while it lasted. But the emptyness within suffocated for so long, for many years. Ocurring in the middle of fancy dinner, or in check out line. Out of the blue. So painful and sudden. I try to understand what triggered it. Dont know still. Unconsolable. And it turns into long sleepless nights like today. I am writing. Its my solace. Its my getaway. Getaway from constant annoying everyday. I tried to read. I fall asleep. I tried to watch movie, fall asleep even faster. It must be some sort of Pavlov reflex. 

Hope is the last to die

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love and all,