It goes like this. The poor miserable artist works only when in misery, right? So I write like a mad person now. The reasons for this are among many:

its cold outside

its cold inside as they havent switched on the heating yet

its less and less sunshine

I am broke

I am without job

I am out of cash

I am lazy

I am tired

I am, again, ill

I have loads to do but no power to start even

I am in slight panic mode because of the above

I have to start from somewhere but today I am actually afraid of people. I am really not social being even though theoretically homo sapiens is said to be social, looking for its “cattle”, its buddies. I have always looked to be as far as possible from the human cattle. I prefer solitary quite a lot more than listening or bearing the forever stupid and loud yapping. I prefer to be. Just to be. Without anyone disturbing or needing anything from me. 

I figured I could sell some stuff. But who would buy used crap? Nobody. Or, if at all, then for small money. And that would not help much if someone bought some shirt or pants for 15Eur. Petrol today cost 2 Eur per litre. Car takes roughly 10L per 100 km. Even though everything is close by I am pretty useless without a car. I remember way too well how it was to drag the shopping through heavy rain or waisthigh snow. And the shopping was not 2 kilos, but 8 kilos in one hand, 8 kilos in other hand. Yeah, its pure comedy to watch the people on fresh white snow and ice under it…. I have actually fallen pretty badly on ice twice with heavy shopping. And then broke half of the goods into mash of food and glass. Did not bother to clean it up as it was freezing cold and nothing to clean it up with. I hope no dog was injured because of it.

Seems like its time to get a job, like the common job – with boss and everything. Which I hate. I dont like people. And I certainly dont like someone ordering me around. Its not because I am full of myself, no. Its because I have been my own boss for more than twenty years, running my businesses, bringing in bacon, all alone. Its also because I have not seen or met in person anyone who is actually smart enough to boss me around. I have heard of them. But I do not know anyone who owns and runs a business that I could be useful for. For instance, I would make an excellent interior designer with my impeccable taste – but I dont know such rich people who would use such services. We live in a poor country, probably the poorest in Europe. And with “poor” I mean we can afford the least from our salaries. Think its called purchase power in English. And, even worse – all pensioners, and thousands of kids go days and weeks and months without warm meal or even without a meal at all. As my “social” family, lady with two kids, they had 2 packs (1 kilo total) of rice and a pack of tea for all three of them for two weeks. Nothing else. She called for help after they had been drinking tea for three days. But now I dont have anything to help them with. I have to survive for next few weeks with 4 kilos of flour, 2 eggs, 3 litres of milk. Well, 2 eggs I cant do nothing much, a few pancakes. So I have a plan to take one carton of eggs, the biggest carton, 30 pcs on, and have some pies, some pancakes. I have some 70 Eur left, so I can get some meats too. Yippiii! Like chicken, and then I will make a lot of soup, the jewish medicine for everything. And I have tons of sweets left that nobody really eats. I know I am strange, I can have candies and sweets just laying around forever and only get rid of them when someone comes to visit and eats them….. and I just lately threw out chocolates that had been on the counter for two years already. Obviously long overdated…though nothing happens with chocolate even when its sort of greyish, I did threw it out. Now I am thinking that this was a bad thing to do as now I could have melted it and used for a cake. Ehh. As they say: wanted the best, turned out as usual :). In English it means you fucked up again as usual.

Anyways, today I have to get my ass moving. Maybe going for farmers market, maybe a stroll in the forest, maybe seaside. A bit of sunshine right about now, its ceratinly motivating. Though I am in horrible pain again. Predicting the weather will be changing to worse. I can predict weather by pain. Usually when I get unbareable pain allover my body it means in two days there will be heavy rains, minus degrees or even snow. Depending on the month. So, in two days time I have to have winter boots out as its probably zero degrees during daytime. All this sounds as if I am an old bat :). Well, I realised I need glasses already

Learned something a few days back. About investments. You see, you should save some when there are good times. Either just keep it in a sockdrawer or simply NOT convert it to booze or travels. Though I have not saved anything when I had good times. I invested into bright and wide view on world for my kids by taking them around various countries for holidays. Its amazing how fun it is to travel with them. I was initially scared of the usual yapping, moaning or dietary complications (read: some period in their lives they ate exactly two things only: pasta and icecream). My main goal was to get them at least try different things. To some extent it has been a success, but still working on it. For instanse one eats never ever any fruits or berries. God forbid anything as much as TOUCHES any of the food he eats! Nothing. I made peace with it as all medical measurements are ok. And I know its about autism. Small signs, but its there – strict and crazy about certain foods, not much happy about being in new places and academically incredibly smart. 

So yes, I learned about investments, good times and life following: The best time to plant a tree was 25 years ago :). So I have a few actual trees planted. But I take to a extent that raising a family is also investment. Sort of and in many ways. Investment to fun times, which always comes after hard times. Its a true test of your personality. Huge test. Some have it easier, some dont bother at all, some have it extremely hard. I had it extremely hard as I was single mother from fifth month of pregnancy. Yea, nice one. First year of not sleeping more than 15 minutes at once, and max 3 hours within 24 hours. I died during walking, I slept like horse, standing up. I barely ate, I couldnt wash myself fully for 4 months straight. That was horror. I looked horrible, grey skin, face like death. I was slowly giving up. That was the most horrible time in my personal life. Chronologically in short: stroke while I was 8 months pregnant, gave birth, mom died few weeks later, got fired next day after moms death, had flood accident at home and had to move out, ran out of money. All the same time I could not sleep because all the drama affected newborn so much he also did not sleep. Even worse he screamed non-stop. This Kafka-like shizofrenic existence sucked the life out of me. I literally begged the death to come and take me. I had nothing and no-one. No-one to help me. 

This lasted for a strong full year. Then with small steps my son started to calm down and sleep more or less regularly. In a car only. Preferrably moving car. Dangerous thing because I was exhausted and so heavily sleepdeprivated I fell asleep behind red lights. I found some parking lots out of the suburbs where I could lock the doors, keep the engine running and no housing area near (as by law you should not keep engine running more than 2 minutes in parking lots). So we slept in the car for some half year. Step by step, after four months or so, I started to get some colour back to my face. I could open my eyes, they were not violet or red anymore. I started to learn to speak again as the stroke took the letter “S” away. Started to move my hands and legs in a “sporty” way as half of my body was partly paralyzed after stroke. I mean I am pretty well recovered from this. I think I dont mix up the words anymore as I used to. Also part of speech impairment I had –  I was telling something, in my head it sounded right exactly as I wanted, but out came totally wrong words. I remember one time we were talking about horses running in forest. And suddenly I realise instead of “bushes” I said “rainbow” and instead of “horses” I said “bunkbed”. I heard myself talking bullshit. I heard myself as from the side, like in the movies where the soul leaves the body. I saw my companions faces in horror because they thought I am drunk at work, plus I was unable to say the letter “S” and making no sense whatsoever. It was so vivid, I shut up instantly, in horror myself. I tried to tell them I had stroke but I am not sure what came out of my mouth. Their faces confirmed I was making no sense. 

Its very interesting how brain works. You would think it takes away forigner languages or anything you learned in school. In my case it did partly, apparently it depends on where you had your hemorrage, left or right side of brain and obviously also important is how strong the stroke was. With very bad strokes one becomes paralyzed or dead. I had partial paralyzation and it left my hand and leg weak for quite some time. However, with languages I “feel” them even better. I noticed though anything to do with numbers got weaker. Thats a bummer because I work with hundreds and thousands in figures every day. I used to count 3850×65 within split second, not anymore. I cant even get close. So I use my phone to calculate, or on paper like true oldie :). Its true the smartphones make us more stupid every day. Kids dont know anymore where the library is 😦

All for now. Taking painkillers and trying to fool my brain to not notice the pain. Oh lord. Its painful to breathe even, or slightest movement. Fu.k, I should have taken the pills the moment I woke up. Now its getting unbareable.

Stay warm and cool,

Awaiting for my pirate/ penpal on themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX