“Alright, alright, alright!” as Matthew McConaghuey says. 

I figured out what is the latest term to change the bedding of a teenager. That is when you open the bedroom door and the stinch is so strong you get immediately runnig eyes of some sort of mixture of sweat, ammonium and incredible low level of oxygen. As if you have entered to the so called dry closet – the ones you find in India and Russia – hole in the ground, two footmarks on both sides, no paper, maybe bucket with shitty water to rinse your arse, and shit all around you on the walls. The Russian Mir brought these adventorous “toilets” to us also. Their idea of sanitary comfort in the end of 1800s in railwaystations. Their culture, the top notch they know and are extremely proud of …. Well, I used to just change the bedding every week. Now with the energycosts through the roof… I do it when I get the running eyes 🙂

The main obstacles for success. The basic human trait – fear of changes. Sometimes it seems all people around me are autistic! Nobody likes anything new. Nobody likes new ideas. Everyone just wants to be forever the grey mouse. I dont get it. I need progress and I need change. Because, even if its sometimes difficult or uncomfortable, its always moving forward. Its fascinating that not all people see it this way. But I try to understand. It means these particular people are in a “good place”, very comfortable and therefore think “why on earth to fix the perfectly working thing”. They are too comfortable. Everything within and around them is stagnating …. The other part is people who are, on the contrary in a very bad place and therefore feel they have no power, will or reason for change. Until they succumb. Some people are fighters, they realise standing in the rock bottom that from there is only two ways out – death or life. 

We all have a few proverbs that every now and then come in use. Either used as comedy or motivation, the goal is the same – to get you moving up or forward. The ones with life giving you lemons. Its a good thing to say if you need to motivate someone, or yourself. But I always thought further. I thought why the fuck I only get lemons? Do I have to raise my own lemons? Where are my oranges or apples then? If I get only lemons, who gets only oranges and apples? What am I doing wrong? I had to accept that I am dumb. I see some females (*just in case I dont put in girls, ladies, or such words as its all the crazy now) who do this very “feminine” thing – living off the man. Or – even more fascinating ones – live off men! And not working, and doing nails and hair every week, duckfaced “things”. Its strange for me, I can even start to comperhend the incredible “problems” they have… like deciding the nailpolish colour. The same time I see the other end of the scale. Females that work, stuggle, without a man, some with man, raise family, run a household. I see one who has not been to hairdressers for 6 years, never done fake nails, never injected anything to her face except anesthetics at dentist. That I see when I look into a mirror. I must be dumb and ugly :). I dont know how to use people, male people precisely. And I am too kind giving out my last shirt. Today it backfired. Sort of. I asked if one person whom I have given a loan, not a gift, a loan, could return it fully or bit by bit. You can imagine any outcome you wish, apart of the one where I get money back 🙂 

But I am optimist. You see I took my last money and bought milk, bread and caviar. Thats the motivational food. Poor times in ghetto always are overcome by caviar. I am famous by this idea since ever. I once had nothing to eat but an actual bucket full of caviar. I had a struggle to scrape together 90 Euro cents to buy white bread on to which to put the caviar. The pattern here is that by the time the caviar gets eaten the host has some exceptionally good news about work, love or life in general. So I am now having caviar for breakfast. Later today I shall have bubbly (that has been in fridge since New Years eve)

If you are rock bottom, up to your neck in shit, better not drop your nose. Thats the one I noticed goes around in circles. My blog here is no scientific talk but my own views, learnings, knowledge from life. So some 20 years ago I noticed that life goes on in a wave pattern. Literally up and down in some particular sequence. From this thought I started thinking that once you hit rock bottom, you actually can not get any lower. Because you are at your lowest. Than means from this moment on you can only go higher. Even though you sometimes are not able to see ANY way out. Throughout the years I started to notice the pattern has sequence like waves – meaning you end up having rock bottom every 7, 9, 11 or 13 years. Meaning you are highest the same sequence. Out of the blue I found several articles confirming my theory. You see, there is nothing new in the world! You just dont realise that or have no need to articulate your thoughts. The sequence of the waves are different for every person. I dont quite recall what it depended on but I guess its basic – region, education, workfield, etc. I started to think back my life and figured my wave was 13 years. Every 13 years I had the most terrible things happening to me. Like I wrote in some of the earlier posts it was incredible shit happening in short time to me – all together pregnancy, stroke, paralysation, giving birth, death of my mom, getting fired. It all happened within mere 5 months!! I dont know how I survived. After that was dark haze as aftermath of giving birth. Another year in my life that I dont remember anything. I moved, I drove, I fed, I excisted. But I could not sleep more than 2 hours every day. I was dying while trying to survive. I then ran out of any finances and foreclosure was about to happen (I dont know if thats the correct word and I am lazy to check the terms 🙂 But I had last warning from bank as I took credit to get my own home). I was facing again life on street, but this time with my baby. In a country where winters are usually -10 to – 20C. I had no hope. No way out. I had nobody to turn to. Thats what people with no family have – nobody and nothing. Only what they are able to get by themselves. 

I was in the place where it could not get any worse. I thought so. I was mentally preparing for the life on the streets. I had given up. Had not slept a year, no money, just screaming baby in my hands. Exactly 13 years ealier I was living on the streets. Homeless. Sleeping in corridors, abandoned houses, in winter. Sleeping in parks and beaches in summer. I thought why this bulk of lemons again.

Today. Today again lemons. Loads and loads. I have the home I bought then, but its still on loan. I have some backup food in my cupboards, caviar for one more breakfast and the bubbly that I did not open though. But the wave sequence has changed. By the look of it the Covid years intruded the sequence as its now 2 years late! That means the moon, the universe is all connected without any visible proof. 

Today I think there are good things coming from this rock bottom. Like I probably will have taille. Or waist. I am exhausted 🙂 Dont know already what words are in what language and having a bit of a mashup here. I hope you understand.

I must be in the place where I got too comfortable. That is when mighty space gives you warning. I was building a house, I had great work, fun family, not a worry. I should have paid more attention because if all is so good, sure soon will be collapse. We all know it even though not all people have the need to articulate it or even conciously think about it. Most people just go on about their lives in a fully or partly automated way. I drive home totally on automated manner – I have actually missed a few times to pick up something on the way because my brain focused on getting home, by my usual way, and forgot the small stop I had to do. Its sort of funny, because when I got home and was parking the car I realised I did not pick the stuff up I needed. 

I shall focus on small good things. Like my blog. Like my dreams. Like rain that washes away my tears. 

I am doing the ever off-put small annoying things – that wardrobe that is filled to the brim yet I cant find a single pair of socks or undies. That cupboards that are filled with array of pasta, flour, sauces from unknown production year… that desk that is covered with checks and invoices that never seem to be in the files where they belong to… Small steps every day to keep the spirits up. You still need the goal to work towards to. But the goal must be achievable. Because if not, you will give up and the depression will pick you up.

Stay warm and cool

Love to Johnny

To the mighty moon and back

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX