Had a dream where, oddly enough, were together my passed dad and Johnny Depp. Strange, I know. My dad occurs in my dreams a few times a year. He is never saying anything. Or, I just dont remember when I wake up. Dont know. This time he just gave me a look. The look was approving. Approving of me and certainly approving JD. There is no doubt I am a nutter ;). Rumour has it, we live life full of fun and pleasures 😉 so thats why I dont mind.

What was my everyday when growing up. Most of our nation is generally people of few words. My family was even extreme. We went days without talking, without saying a single word to each other. This strange setting settled in me so strong that whenever I had a conflict with boyfriend I just shut up. I remember one time I was silent for more than three months. Living in one apartment we did not talk to eachother. Now I know what was my thinking process and I know why this silece happened. There is complex reasons that created this odd “normality” for me. You see, the conflict was always stupid – lets say, why you drinking already 6th beer and its workday tomorrow…. Stupid reason. As I realised its stupid reason to fight I also realised the best is to shut up and not waste oxygen on talking. I had nothing to add to this conflict that would make it any better. So shut up and do my thing. The second reason was I left for work at 7 and came back at 21 exhausted. He woke up at noon and could be gone until midnight if lucky. Our chedules were totally different. That in short means, that we literally had no time to fight even. I do believe it was one of the reasons we ended up living together for 13 years. Minor fights, about beer or smoking inside the flat, and these were just a 2 or 3 times. Apart of these we did not have any conflicts throughout the 13 years. However…… when that last half year started rolling, boy, it was rolling bad. The level of hate was incredible. The acts were vile and so mean I still today wonder where on earth did that all came from….. It was horrible. I think it all was just a split second away from murder. So horrible I ended up having stroke and partial paralysation. So horrible that he only laughed on this and on me, and yelled at me “you are eight months pregnant and so drunk you babbling nonsense and can not stand up?!??!”. I couldnt believe it then, after quiet and peaceful, funny and cooperative 12 years together. I cant believe it now. I was in such deep shock, it was something from pshychological thriller or something. Horror. This mental torture that followed. Days later he yelled again that I am drunk and babbling. Now I know what it was. I did not realise my speech was impaired. Then. I thought I am making myself pretty clear, but out came incoherent mumble. I called him to bring something to eat. He didnt. Partly because he did not understad a word I was saying. I was stuck home, partially palysed and nothing to eat. For days. Until I dragged myself down three flights of stairs and got to my car. Barely made it as car was 200 metres away in parking and I did not have walking sticks. Plus it was winter, ice everywhere, and I had no clothes to cover my huge whalesize belly. Horror, horror, horror. Only to sit into car and to realise I am exhausted. I didnt make it to shop. I went to drive in. You do know already what happened there. I thought I was clear with my order. They did not understand a word. I dont remember much. But I realised there is no way to get around on the ice half paralyzed. Remember crying so hard I could not see where I am. Remember climbing back out of car and up the three flights. Remember it took me 2.5 hours to get up to the third floor. Even more starving, even more exhausted. I could not phone, nobody to phone to. And vaguely remember calling someone and this someone put down the phone. Obviously thought something wrong with connection. Called back….. same blablabla, incoherent speech. Nobody realised to come by and check on me. Backfired the silence that everyone got used to and everyone is today also pretty much used to. We, as whole nation, we dont talk much. There are hilarious videos today allover the internet about our special traits. And its truth. When Covid hit we also got the instructions to keep 2 metres apart. And I kid you not – the struggle was real as we are used to keeping 5 metres apart and 2 metres is our “personal space” that only the closest are allowed into. It is real. I kid you not. You can recognise real locals just by the distance they keep between themselves and strangers. You can also recognise immediately other nationalities when you are the strange one ;). Loud voices, touching publicly, smile or greeting – boy, this is like a taboo to us. When I had a few too many beers in pub watching football championship and someone foreigner came to sit next to me, as one does, greeting and introducing himself…. I was instatly sober. And usually that was the time to go home for me. 

Few times made a really good friends in pubs though. The times when I was almost broke and started to make bets in pubs. Bets to earn money. I think I wrote about this in one of the earlier posts: I found funny lads (or actually they reached me as I was sitting in pub usually alone) and told them that I am a working girl. Note its always play of words for me, in all languages. So after stating that I am working girl they immediately were bland from face as they thought I was a hooker. Then I was pleased as I had their attention anyway. I explained I work as a bet-maker. Fun nights assured! Then they were curious as finally they had, in the end of the world as they said, met someone with perfect English! Mind you, all the girls they had seen so far were all russian sluts, literally, who stated hourly fee right after stating their names. Blowjob on “the way” was 6.40 Eur (converting to the currency we had then), all night was 32 Eur. And I told them I know you only have met russian hookers as no local girl goes out in these places during weekdays. Apart of me – because I was a soccer fan nad Formula 1 fan, so I was always out when game or race was on. Oh, just thinking of the good times in F1, Rubens Barricello, Mika Häkkinen, Schumacher, Couldhart! Damn, I knew every score, every lineup, every race I was staring like hawk without noticing anything around me. That always took almost whole day, the best days in my life at that time: a race or competition, nice huge screen, lots of beer and sometimes even lunch to go with it. Actually miss that a bit, but today I dont know any racers, only hear some Ricciardo, Vettel, Verstappen… maybe they are out already, no clue. Should get back to my fav sports though, start my own good days again… 

Made some 200 macroons and some 20 pavlovas for the upcoming housewarming party. Its actually opening of a jazzclub, but I figured some good people show up. I expect only best people as not a single bad person likes jazz ;). So I will treat them with sugar in such level they might end up in “sugarcoma”. I will have all my ads there around the sweets so I hope to get some sales too. You see, I am clever.

Closing now this small chapter of thoughts. 

Stay warm and cool

And, to repeat endlessly the email for Johhny to write his alter ego 😉 the Mad Hatter: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com