Just saw some old video in Youtube, some cut of Pirates movie, and it hit me. Hit me how sad it is that we look for happily ever after and most of the people never find it. It is just some sort of facade, a circus, a trial in different lengths. Either a year, two, a decade perhaps. Then the last drop makes the hurricane and what initially might have felt like happily ever after turns into a shitshow. A turd on the bed. There is a study carried out, or actually, we all know it by heart: you can tell if the person you meet for the first time if the person is bad or good. Instincts don’t lie. We just choose to believe a person is good. Or close one eye in hopes the faults are just minor peanuts. But the nuts are big! A whole nutcase! Now when you think back, I am sure you have felt immediately if person fits you or there is something wrong. Apparently kids recognise the “shite” and the smaller kids actually say it out loud if they feel something fishy. We just ignore them and hope for the best. Which is also sort of a fair thing to do because people can change. But, on the core level, never change. The main characteristics remain forever. For instance I know I can never work for someone, take orders, because I know myself. Any stupid thing I would be told to fulfill I would send them to hell. Or, imagine, someone 20 years younger happens to be your “boss”. Ridiculous. Or even 20 years older but dumb as a brick!!! No, that’s not for me, thank you.

I can’t take orders from someone since I have seen life way more than average person. I survived horrible amount of abuse, beaten up until bleeding, left for dead, rotting alive. Only thing missing was the worms eating away my flesh. All that when I was 3 years old. That lasted for 1.5 years. And that was not my home, not the home on the island, no…. My real home on island was what would be called “normal”, hardworking parents, siblings, heavy duty farmlife, but also heavy duty alcoholic as my father. Left home in order to survive when I was 13. Lived on the streets in northern European harsh winters, slept on the stairs of abandoned houses. Dreamed of being homeless in Italy as at least it’s warm! Imagine that. Teenager dreaming of being homeless. Worked three places, lied of my age to get to work in a bar. That time it was possible because we did not have computers yet, all documents were on paper and I was pretty good in creating fake documents. That time documents had stamps on, you know, the usually roundy blueish violetish ink thing to provide proof that the document is real. Well, you need boiled egg to copy that stamp. Here you could work with alcohol when you are 18 years old. So I changed the year of my birth on my documents, painted my eyelids green and stated I have been working in bars for two years already. Which was true actually as I started to work in bars when I was 13 :). So work I got. I had to find the place to live too. I spent some nights under the kitchentable in the bar where I worked. Then broke into attick of theatre, nice find! It had mattress there but I had competition for this place as one homeless guy also knew the place and he worked in this theatre so he had advantage. Washed my bits in the bars kitchensink. Or the toilet in cinema. Cold water. Nobody had heard of warm water in public restrooms! 

So when someone tells he or she has hard time as daddy does not pay for the university I do always have a huge bellylaugh, sometimes for several days. And apparently I will have no further contact with this person. 

I have been busy prepping my garden for the season. It was grand plan as always until it started to rain. It has been raining two days now. You know, Saturday and Sunday, the days off. The only days off common people have. To make sure you do not get your garden work done. On these occasions I sometimes find myself thinking there must be some greater being fucking up our plans. I have learned throughout my life not to be stupid and make plans. I still tried today to get some gardening done but only managed to get some tulips into pots and that was it. I also heard some big animal splashing into water in the garden. I have sort of a lake there and there is stream going out of the lake. So my terrace is by the stream and as it was raining cats and dogs I went to do the tulips in the terrace under the roof. I heard huge splash and saw big waves but even standing still for several minutes did not get the animal fooled. So I can bet it’s the otter that I have seen before. This bugger ate all my fish and crawfish that I brought to the lake. And he, or she or it?, is huge! I wonder now if I take some herring for him, would he eat it? Fish is a fish, tho herring is saltwater fish and he lives in freshwater…. I sure hope it was not beaver now again. I shall see around the trees next time when it’s not raining like that. Beavers already built dam behind my sauna, them buggers. Thankfully they did not like my buildingactivities much and most of them left upstream. I know that because my neighbour complained they have built dam upstream next to his farming lands so it sort of resulted in some destroyed crops. Fuck this farmer, he uses chemicals that come all the way down to my lake. So he can just fight the beavers. 

I briefly looked into casting agencies but could not figure out who might be looking for blonde european or russian evil chick for next blockbuster film. Or german. I can easily play tortured artist in some 7 languages, or menacing evil russian bandit, or slowmoving finnish wild woman skinnidipping in one of the thousands lakes. Without accent. I guess. That’s what the original speakers tell. I hope they are telling truth and not just being kind :). As I plan to move closer to my dream country from the days I was homeless I have been looking at Italian and French dictionaries aswell. I mean that is how I learned English, my 5th language. When I was some 17 years old I worked in building materials store, in wallcovering section. The bosses there had one expensive book, the Oxford dictionary. I “borrowed” it for several weeks, in the evenings. Read all the words from A to Z once. Then wrote out the words I wanted to use and in two months time I graduated the school with honours, after completing national exams including Physics, Chemistry, German, Russian and English with A or A+. So if I could pull off English within 2 months, I think I can pull off Italian and French just as that, and later Spanish too. I actually hear italian or spanish language and I understand some of them, because the roots of the words are similar in German and English. Same with Swedish and Dutch, for my ears that is…. Some years back I was frequently in Amsterdam on working trips and one day, with a little help from Heineken, I started to talk in Dutch with my colleagues :). Not some heart to heart chat, but purely business talk. I was as chocked as they were 🙂

I should manifest the language skills finally bringing in some bacon! So, anyone, please let me know where they are looking for me!

Now it’s about midnight now. Gotta hit the sack as Monday is inevitably coming 🙂

Can’t wait to get to Nice and Cannes!!!

Stay warm and cool!