I choose to love you in silence

for in silence I find no rejection

I choose to love you in loneliness

for in loneliness no one owns you but me

I choose adore you from a distance

for distance will shield me from pain

I choose to kiss you in the wind

for the wind is gentler than my lips

I choose to hold you in my dreams

for in my dreams you have no end 

Thats shortly about today 🙂

It’s so hot now I just sit and sweat. During day some +30C, now it’s almost ten in the evening and thermometre shows 22C. I sit and sweat. No wind. Had beer and it just pouring out of me. Ladies, you know what part of female body sweats if the bra size is 38G. Yes, under boobs. For a moment there I thought some bug is crawling on my belly but no!! It’s sweat running down!! Unbelievable. I haven’t even moved and I sweat. Last I sweat like that in delivery room. And before that when I was 13 and running long distance competition fighting for my country. Sweating is nasty. I need cold shower. Or just lay down on stonefloor. It’s pretty difficult to sleep in this heat and it runs you down in few days. I could not take it anymore today. Or, in fact, my body could not take it anymore. Came home at about noon, did my work in computer and had lunch and then my eyes! I just could not keep them open anymore. I suspect it’s either from the constant “non-sleeping” at nights or I have some sort of insomnia. I have had this weird “insomnia” attack before several times. It’s not insomnia, it’s weird. Let me explain. 

For instance one of the times IT attacked me in the middle of the day. I looked up the shop that I needed (today I don’t remember what it was, but then I needed to get to one particular shop that only excisted in one particular place) opens at 10 in the mo. No, I avoid shops at all costs but this time I wanted to go early as in hopes that there are not so many people around. So. I wake up, have my slow morning, get dressed and drive some 15 minutes to that shopping centre. Huge parking lot, free parking (good ol’ times). Imagine, I barely made it to that parking lot. I left house, sat into my car and thought weird, my body is more exhausted than ever yet I just woke up. I drive, barely able to keep my eyes open. I am pretty confused by that time as this was the first time this weird thing happened to me. I sit up straight in my seat and open all windows to stay awake. Put on some loud music. I make it to the parking lot and that’s when it really hit me. I could no longer move nor keep my eyes open.  No, there was no pain. My eyes just closed to sleep. I locked cardoors, opened windows so that I would have air, switched off engine (because here we have 2 minutes rule for parked cars) and let my seat down. Let me tell you! I was fast asleep within 20 seconds. It was 10.15 when I parked the car. I woke up without ever moving at about 16 in the early evening. Just slept whole work day in parking lot. Whole day. Without moving slightest. I don’t know what IT is. 

Another attack of IT was in the highway. Going 120km/ h I suddenly felt I can not do it one second longer. No, we have no emergency stops, no places to pull over. But I had to stop. I kicked on the blinking emergency lights, pulled over to side as far as possible from the lane and the moment I stopped, it seemed, I was already sleeping. I slept there on the side of highway for three hours. Again, no moving, nothing. I probably looked like dead person. Luckily nordics don’t give a damn so nobody bothered me. I woke up and continued as if nothing happened. 

It has happened at work too. This is tough one because I work at extremely dangerous places with heavy mashinery around me at all times. Let me tell you, you can not sleep standing under cranes or when berthing ship is next to you :). At work I have only one option. To go to car or to toilet, put alarm on 20 minutes and pray I wake up when the alarm goes off. Before that I have to find someone who can take over for 30 minutes or so and that’s another thing that usually is not possible. Luckily all my workmates are men and more or less decent ones so when I say I need to go they usually nod and take over. 

Today it happened again. Luckily I was on the way home anyways. I can’t do anything to fight it, nothing works. I just fall asleep when I walk or sit. It must be something medical. I have been sleeping in cars on roadside, parking lots, airport, parks, beach. Today I made it home and slept from 14 to 19, again without moving a bone. It’s a weird thing. 

Anyways. Off to cottage now. Driving at night is my favourite as nobody on the roads. Will be one night there and then off to beach in one of the famous Kurorts we have. One of which VIP from St. Petersburg visited eagerly in 1800-1900s.

Stay cool and hot,

XOXOX