I lied. 

It has been three days already and I have not had the guts to go to shop to find new pan. So I lied in last post that I will go and get new pan. I mean, I have interesting life!!! Worry about pan is the worst task I have :), the most challenging. I now stare at the second fucking pan that started rocking some week ago. Dreadful day is coming. It is coming the moment that second pan cracks into pieces. Oh, I don’t want to go to shop. Because then there is the shelves filled with fancy bits that I start to observe and then there is tens of pans to choose from and I get agitated. Just give me one and have it over…. but no, all the pans look so fancy and once I am there I need to study each one of them and then choose one. Because I live in the active hellhole of a country then in addition to being annoyed of shopping due to too many people going to these places I am also very poor. So I want to study each fucking pan that there is and pick the one that I will moan about for the next 4 or five months. Moan, you say? Yes, I shall moan for many a months because 100Eur is like weekly food allowance for 4. And that, my dear, means I am forced to lose 100Eur on a fucking pan. Which means I could end up having nothing to PUT on this fucking pan in some time in the nearest future. And that, my dear, is called alternative cost. I know it because I have masters degree in finances ;). Yes, irony, irony is my middle name.

So there are many reasons I have been avoiding shopping for a pan. People, cost of the pan, too big choice and still everything is too expensive, I have 2 more pans to survive. Shopping for me has always been last, really last effort. When nothing else to remedy the need. Does not matter whether shopping for clothes, food or anything really, it is dreadful and sometimes literally painful thing. I get weird rashes on my body when I have to spend more than 10 minutes in shop. I know, I am truly every mans dream girl! I get this rash and nausea everywhere BUT fishing store and building materials store (read: second reason I am every mans dream girl).  

Now something about today. Thursday after day off. Day off was 1st of May. Whatever the reason it’s off, I applause. In soviet era that was the first official day every orc living here got severely drunk and slept on the roadside (or even in the middle of the road) and nobody minded at all. For locals it was just random day when it was possible to do own yardwork or just do fuckall all day. Working hours (or arse hours as we call them) were sacred. 8-17, not a minute less. Usually, if at all any changes, it changed to 8-18. So today I had workday. Horror ensued. For the ones fainthearted this next will be about anatomy of a female, so scroll on if needed. So, for all my life I have known my body pretty well, no surprises there, no religious crap was forced on us, no mysteries, just plain anatomy. Yes, I have have few things I do for living. I am florist part time, which means I only work when I have orders. Usually 2 or 3 days in a week. And then I have one job that is highly physical and it is outside in ports, with no toilets which means I can not drink during the day. So today I had that work in port. Yesterday my period started. That means today was THE day when I had to change every hour minimum. Change what, you might ask…. Change the bits that hold the blood from splashing around on floors and all surfaces possible including myself. That meant I had to prepare so that I can do the job without going to toilet. And I had to make sure I go to toilet on lunchbreak. I measured today it takes me 8 minutes to get to the toilet. 8 minutes one way. Then few minutes for sure inside. Then 8 minutes back. And that meant that I had to eat on the go. Literally when walking. But that is not all. I left home at 7, started work at 8. That means one hour gone. I should have changed at 8 but that was not possible. So it’s 9, then already 10. I feel blood leaving my body as the tampon was more than full. I curse the world and keep on working because I can not leave my post once the process goes. And I can not cancel nor stop because whole factory depends on this. So I feel tampon peeping out of its nest and blurting blood it does not want to take in anymore. Dreadful and disgusting. For a moment I think about taking the tampon out right there and then but I search for napkins or tissues in my pockets and there are none. So I know the tampon is about half out already, not taking in any blood anymore, on the contrary, blood is flowing everywhere. So it is rather painful when this stupid tampon is half way out. I waddle around like penguin, luckily I have full wintergear on because it is very cold and windy, no matter whats the season. I am pretty sure the tampon escapes any minute now and I know where it will go: down by my legs right until it hits my socks or even worse, hits the floor.

Gross day. Got home exhausted and pissed off on world. From this hideous work, stress and loss of blood I barely made it to home, took immedistely painkillers and paracetamol for the temperature I had by the time I got home. This is getting common now, every time I go to work I get ill. So, got home about 17 o’clock, ill, fell to bed and woke up at midnight. Felt like hangover, some strange feeling of haze, exhaustion and dizziness. I shall keep the rest of the boring stuff now….

Good nite, 

stay warm