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88 random thoughts that are not that random
Just saw some old video in Youtube, some cut of Pirates movie, and it hit me. Hit me how sad it is that we look for happily ever after and most of the people never find it. It is just some sort of facade, a circus, a trial in different lengths. Either a year, two, a decade perhaps. Then the last drop makes the hurricane and what initially might have felt like happily ever after turns into a shitshow. A turd on the bed. There is a study carried out, or actually, we all know it by heart: you can tell if the person you meet for the first time if the person is bad or good. Instincts don’t lie. We just choose to believe a person is good. Or close one eye in hopes the faults are just minor peanuts. But the nuts are big! A whole nutcase! Now when you think back, I am sure you have felt immediately if person fits you or there is something wrong. Apparently kids recognise the “shite” and the smaller kids actually say it out loud if they feel something fishy. We just ignore them and hope for the best. Which is also sort of a fair thing to do because people can change. But, on the core level, never change. The main characteristics remain forever. For instance I know I can never work for someone, take orders, because I know myself. Any stupid thing I would be told to fulfill I would send them to hell. Or, imagine, someone 20 years younger happens to be your “boss”. Ridiculous. Or even 20 years older but dumb as a brick!!! No, that’s not for me, thank you.
I can’t take orders from someone since I have seen life way more than average person. I survived horrible amount of abuse, beaten up until bleeding, left for dead, rotting alive. Only thing missing was the worms eating away my flesh. All that when I was 3 years old. That lasted for 1.5 years. And that was not my home, not the home on the island, no…. My real home on island was what would be called “normal”, hardworking parents, siblings, heavy duty farmlife, but also heavy duty alcoholic as my father. Left home in order to survive when I was 13. Lived on the streets in northern European harsh winters, slept on the stairs of abandoned houses. Dreamed of being homeless in Italy as at least it’s warm! Imagine that. Teenager dreaming of being homeless. Worked three places, lied of my age to get to work in a bar. That time it was possible because we did not have computers yet, all documents were on paper and I was pretty good in creating fake documents. That time documents had stamps on, you know, the usually roundy blueish violetish ink thing to provide proof that the document is real. Well, you need boiled egg to copy that stamp. Here you could work with alcohol when you are 18 years old. So I changed the year of my birth on my documents, painted my eyelids green and stated I have been working in bars for two years already. Which was true actually as I started to work in bars when I was 13 :). So work I got. I had to find the place to live too. I spent some nights under the kitchentable in the bar where I worked. Then broke into attick of theatre, nice find! It had mattress there but I had competition for this place as one homeless guy also knew the place and he worked in this theatre so he had advantage. Washed my bits in the bars kitchensink. Or the toilet in cinema. Cold water. Nobody had heard of warm water in public restrooms!
So when someone tells he or she has hard time as daddy does not pay for the university I do always have a huge bellylaugh, sometimes for several days. And apparently I will have no further contact with this person.
I have been busy prepping my garden for the season. It was grand plan as always until it started to rain. It has been raining two days now. You know, Saturday and Sunday, the days off. The only days off common people have. To make sure you do not get your garden work done. On these occasions I sometimes find myself thinking there must be some greater being fucking up our plans. I have learned throughout my life not to be stupid and make plans. I still tried today to get some gardening done but only managed to get some tulips into pots and that was it. I also heard some big animal splashing into water in the garden. I have sort of a lake there and there is stream going out of the lake. So my terrace is by the stream and as it was raining cats and dogs I went to do the tulips in the terrace under the roof. I heard huge splash and saw big waves but even standing still for several minutes did not get the animal fooled. So I can bet it’s the otter that I have seen before. This bugger ate all my fish and crawfish that I brought to the lake. And he, or she or it?, is huge! I wonder now if I take some herring for him, would he eat it? Fish is a fish, tho herring is saltwater fish and he lives in freshwater…. I sure hope it was not beaver now again. I shall see around the trees next time when it’s not raining like that. Beavers already built dam behind my sauna, them buggers. Thankfully they did not like my buildingactivities much and most of them left upstream. I know that because my neighbour complained they have built dam upstream next to his farming lands so it sort of resulted in some destroyed crops. Fuck this farmer, he uses chemicals that come all the way down to my lake. So he can just fight the beavers.
I briefly looked into casting agencies but could not figure out who might be looking for blonde european or russian evil chick for next blockbuster film. Or german. I can easily play tortured artist in some 7 languages, or menacing evil russian bandit, or slowmoving finnish wild woman skinnidipping in one of the thousands lakes. Without accent. I guess. That’s what the original speakers tell. I hope they are telling truth and not just being kind :). As I plan to move closer to my dream country from the days I was homeless I have been looking at Italian and French dictionaries aswell. I mean that is how I learned English, my 5th language. When I was some 17 years old I worked in building materials store, in wallcovering section. The bosses there had one expensive book, the Oxford dictionary. I “borrowed” it for several weeks, in the evenings. Read all the words from A to Z once. Then wrote out the words I wanted to use and in two months time I graduated the school with honours, after completing national exams including Physics, Chemistry, German, Russian and English with A or A+. So if I could pull off English within 2 months, I think I can pull off Italian and French just as that, and later Spanish too. I actually hear italian or spanish language and I understand some of them, because the roots of the words are similar in German and English. Same with Swedish and Dutch, for my ears that is…. Some years back I was frequently in Amsterdam on working trips and one day, with a little help from Heineken, I started to talk in Dutch with my colleagues :). Not some heart to heart chat, but purely business talk. I was as chocked as they were 🙂
I should manifest the language skills finally bringing in some bacon! So, anyone, please let me know where they are looking for me!
Now it’s about midnight now. Gotta hit the sack as Monday is inevitably coming 🙂
Can’t wait to get to Nice and Cannes!!!
Stay warm and cool!
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87 prepping for summer!
I am in trouble. Big time. I must say I am dissapointed in myself. I made a promise to myself to write at least once every week. It’s certainly not that now! And I know why! It’s the spring. Spring, when everyting else is more important. Literally everything. I mean garden, sunshine, vitamins, dreaming. Every day in garden takes a day. Once I get home I have to prep dinner and then without myself noticing it’s again 23.00 and time for bed. Especially when it’s workweek. I mean I do not work every day but even so I try to use the “active hours of humans” to get my stuff done aswell. It still does not work always, but for instance I got my lawnmower serviced and that was a big thing. Last year I lost 2 weeks on this as there was some spare part that needed to be changed and while waiting for this spare from Italy all the grass in the field this particular lawnmower works grew up to 30 centimetres high. Which, of course, is too high for the lawnmower. It’s the robots as we call them. Not the machine you pull or push or handle in any way. Those are the ones running independently. I have one from Italy and it’s Ferrari red and sometimes annoying italian attitude. Imagine with the accompanying handgestures robot yelling: it iiiz a too higha of a grasssssaaa for miiiiahh! Somehow I hear it saying “puta”! in the end. That’s not in italian. Maybe my lawn mowing robot speaks Spanish too. Like I swear in Russian most of the time. Not in my mothertongue, nor English. Russian is best for swearing. Juisy. The only good thing they ever brought to us or to the world. Swearing.
So the robot got its bits serviced, all shiny and happy. Now I took it back to the cottage and let it run for a while and then noticed it got stuck by the lake. Apparently the waterlevel is so high that it covers the robots tracks. Unfuckingbelivable. So I took it off its tracks for some time now because after the high waters go away there is like half a metre space not being mowed by robot. That’s how high the water is now, roughly 15 centimetres higher than in the summer. I wish I fixed the bit where my tiny waterfall is because then I would maintain the high waterlevel all summer long. To some extent at least. But now it’s running wrom the side of the dam. Water made its way from the side. And EVERY fucking year I think I have to fill the part that water has taken away. Yet it’s still and again not done. Now the gap is so big it looks like the high water will take my bridge away soon.
But I worry not. I had 3 days in cottage while I was cleaning and cleaning. Stupid things just laying around, like metal bits that came out of the grounds when I was doing the flowerbeds. Some strange bits made by the blacksmith some 200 years ago. Or later. I can only say those odd bits are handmade, not bulk manufactured. So I have some of these metal bits still that I don’t really want to throw away. As it’s history. I think I will put them on the wall in some place together with the tens and hundreds of horseshoes that came out from when I was digging the floor out inside the cottage. I saved some 50 of them because one point it was too ridiculous to save them. There were hundreds and hundreds of them! Apparently the blacksmith threw the ones he did not like right into the ground next to his working station. I mean there was literally no solid ground, just horseshoes! I hope there was enough of horseshoes he liked!!! Because I sure would be pissed off if everything I made in a day or in a month ended up scrap!!!
So I have one major thing done for the cottage for the summer. I also have the plants growing. Put some veggies and flowers into pots in February already! Nuts, I know. A tad early, I know. But let me tell you – I rather be a tad early then a tad too late! Last year I put my potatoes into ground only on 1st of JULY! Not even Middsummers, JULY! And I have the most generous dirt in my cottage and it gives the tastiest crops ever! Today re-potted the tomatoes. Some of them. As I did not trust all of the seeds would be successful and growing I ended up having tad too many plants. Now I will do some more potting tomorrow and all the excess plants I will give to neighbours or friends with some garden. I shall be friendly 🙂 and generous! Which I am always. Just figured I can brag too once in a decade :). I usually am modest tho. Just once before in my life I have said: “I told you!!!” and I was pretty sad because the reason I said it was not nice. It was a sad occasion of my sis realising her marriage was stupid mistake. Now I know love is blind. Tho it’s not love. It’s mostly lust. We just don’t know how to explain it so we call it love. I am 100% sure it’s not love. It’s nothing but hormones. Let me tell you! At 15 years old I decided I have found the love of my life. Or, he found me actually and I decided that it will be for the rest of my life. He was blissfully unaware of anything I was thinking about because we were busy “sexing” and no words were said during sex. So most of the time we were not talking for obvious reasons. And when we were talking we were slightly drunk and partying. It was time just about when first mobile phones were 3 kilos each and looked like bricks wiht some wires and handle. That means we were not talking on the phone either because I was barely at home and I am sure he did not call his lovers ever. That time. His lovers were calling on his mobile phone, yes. He had one of the first mobile phones on the island. As he was police chief, criminal police officer. Not the mundane stuff like patroling the streets, oh no. He was the guy investigating murders and stuff. Which happened on the island too every now and then. Mainly it happened when some drunkards decided to split the heads with axes or so. Over the drunk loose lady that seemed to be fit for marriage. In their eyes, that is. She was just a working lady. Without taking money as that were the poor times in ex soviet country and she just wanted some vodka and a chat. It’s the men who figured that would be a good thing to have a woman running the household. You know, the strange drunken dream. That sort of sitting and drinking once, at least, ended up the two guys actually killing the woman. The stupid drunkards did not even realise she died. Put her to bed to rest. Only realised two days later she has not moved. I mean…. may they all rest in peace.
On the island we have at least one, one, clearly and visibly inbred guy. He is my age and he was in school with all the “normal” kids as we don’t have any special facilities on island and probably nothing on mainland either (today that is, soviet era we had the nursing homes with metal beds for the elderly where they put those strange kids with mental challenges too). But he remained on island. So the story goes brother and sister had a go and then he was born. Sister was a tad QQ in the head too and had no clue of what was going on. I assume brother was same way. So they had son and he is still strolling around. His particular features are open mouth and constant walking. He never stops. I never heard him speak either. Today he is still walking, walking, walking. Our own Whitaker family (see Youtube) tho we don’t know who his mother or father are. Probably, well, the council or teachers know but let’s be honest: nobody else needs to know as sure as hell nobody can do nothing about this situation.
So I have been planning in some more detail the escape from this country I was born in. It sits right next to Russia and I have no will to sit and wait for them orcs to kill me, my family or my friends. Dreadful thing is – a lot of our people have left already. A lot. Never before was it so public. Now it’s allower the social media, news, Facebook, Insta, TikTok even. Even TV show called “Our new life in Spain” or something. Few of my friends, not the closest ones obviously, have sold their homes and left. Admitting they have done so in fear of war. I am afraid of war too. Even with NATO, which is the institution to cool down the believers. The fact is, if Russia attacks us we would be over and done with within 12 minutes. That’s the time it takes for bombardiers (what’s the word for planes with bombs?) to cover the distance from the border to our capital and to bomb the city into ruins. And we have nothing to fight it with. And by the time we wake up (if we wake up) we would have no planes, no ships, no cars to escape with even. Today closest NATO airforce is some 1000 km away. And in the end…. we are so tiny country and nation nobody would even notice we are all gone.
Today I was on Zuccheros concert. He sure can sing!! Just like 30 years ago. Nothing has time done to his vocals. Damn, he is good! First row as always, seat 16 this time. Next week is another concert. Tanita Tikaram. Yes, I am oldie :).
Another thing I would like to get done is Bruce Springsteen concert and AC/DC concert. They are touring Europe. And I am poor. I just tell myself that some dreams are not meant to become true. Again. Even tho I suppose the singer for AC/DC is Axl Rose I would really love to go. Axl Rose can take more octaves than Mariah Carey. Just so you know. He has the widest vocal range on earth probably. At least in sort of pop and rock and roll music.
But above all I am determined to get the hell out of here withing one year or so. So this May I will be cruising Cannes and Nice for inspiration. Luckily I am not that poor this very moment so I get the plane tix to Nice and hope for the best. Maybe will get to northern bit of Italy too but I am focused on Nice. For whatever reason. It is set in my head that this is my future. I speak 7 languages but not French. Imagine how pissed I am. Knowing all the languages but the one you need. Just realised that. I only got use of my language skills once in my life. When I applied to one German company and the hired me right next day for knowing German and Russian, one being their “homelanguage” and the other being their target country for business. Other than that I also, let’s be honest, got pay increase for each language that I could take exam to a sufficient level. So I ended up being best paid worker in this company. Let me tell you – even tho the cash is nice it is not nice place to be when your colleagues, especially the senior ones, find out your salary is higher than theirs!!!
So off I go for today.
Johnny, see you in Cannes?
Let me know, write me an email here!
XOXOX
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86 another try for spring
I was pretty dissappointed in myself last time when I realised I have not done blog writing as promised, at least once in a week. I do have things to say and write but I tend to forget them. You know the things that happen that are either very funny or strange or some other way relevant, once you calm down you have thousand other things to do but write.
Today again, to our pleasure, sun came out at about noon. I thought this will last just some minutes. But no! All the way up until five afternoon. Could not even do any chore I had in list, I was just enjoying the sun. Soon, very soon, we all will sort of melt out of comatosis state and start moving faster and more and very soon we start to notice bad weather which becomes rare. Like rain. You know when people are always not satisfied. So this will continue. If we have one week bright sun we start to worry about crops and watering plants. Which is, again, work and cost 🙂 Never satisfied!
Enjoing silence. This topic came out with group of people I chat online. Turned out most people miss silence in big cities. And most people enjoy silence when they can get somewhere silent. I mean the expression was that they enjoy the sounds of nature while sitting on terrace or strolling in forest. I realised how blessed I am because I have all the silence ever possible. I hear some activities only mere hour or so every day. Most of the time it’s silence. Or, sounds of nature. I don’t count the screaming seagulls as bad sound or noise even though they are right by my window and boy, they are a loud bunch. Seagulls are part of the silence we talked about. Good kind of sound. Because they are not here every day. They usually come when it’s turning into storm on the sea, so they literally hide from heavy winds here on the coastline. The bad bit is when some idiot feeds them with white bread. Those twats! Either they are illiterate and stupid or doing it with excellent knowledge that some of the birds are destined to die after consuming “manmade” food. Either way I tell those twats off if I see them and catch them on this act. It still amazes me how people that dumb managed to live to be 60, 70 or even 80 years old!
I also found out people who work in some office or some noisy place for long days tend to come home and sit in the car for ten minutes to half an hour just to acclimatize. I really thought it’s just my genious though to sit in the car in silence!! I also drive in silence after long day of all sorts of loud sounds and shouting and things like that. I feel it is the same pleasing and quiet and comfortable in heaven. I know it is because I have been to heaven of sorts once. It was very pretty, soft and warm and all surroundings were like soft warm fog. No tunnels. Or maybe there was tunnel but I did not get to go that far as I was brougt back to life. So whoever worries what’s it like in “there”, don’t worry. It’s nice. And quiet. I liked it there. I was really peaceful and living in a bliss for long time after this. And I still am calm when these thoughts come to mind. I am no more anxcious or worried. But I still want to better my life, especially the physical part. So soon I go to browse in life some of the possible new destinations for living. It’s in Europe, but in a warmer neighbourhood.
I realised people from small countries are many times multilingual. Be it two or three languages, or even more. Not so the US people. Maybe I am wrong, but seems for instance that in my country after the gymnasium kids can manage at least three languages. I myself can manage in seven languages and thinking of taking closer look at Spanish, Italian and French because these are the countries I shall go and investigate in person. I have some basic communication study books already, just lazy to actually sit down and go through it.
Got my car oils changed today, it’s now purring like kitten should! Or maybe I am delulu, but sure sounds and moves a lot better. Now soon we can change tyres here, I think in April or so when snow still can come but we are pretty much professional rally drivers here so driving with summertyres in snow is day of great fun and excitement! I actually wish for snow to come when I have summertyres on 🙂 so I can have some fun driving around. The people who don’t risk driving in these cases stay home so the crazy ones have all the space in the city to drive around with front tyres going one direction and arse floating from left to right as it pleases. I unfortunately have 4WD, but I still have some tricks to get the side of the car going first. Just realised this year I did’nt get to go on ice to draw some donuts with my car, what a bummer. What was I doing all winter?
Will prep dinner now. Today I am early here writing because I slept until ten in the morning, barely got out of bed to take my car to oilchange. Took car to garage and came back to sleep!! These bursts of sleeping in comatosis state like being are the sign of spring. It is a way of collecting power to be up and kicking for for 18 hours straight throughout the summer 🙂 I just love to be lazy. They say lazy people are usually genius. Just saying.
Your dad is rich and your momma is pretty…. What song is this, anyone?
Stay warm and cool, everyone!
XOXOX
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85 Spring? Where?
Sorry for the long break in writing. Did not have much to say, really. Fighting for the everyday survival and waiting for the damn sun to come out and ease the pains both physical and mental. So in other words I was busy bee working, drinking and surviving. That’s pretty common excercise in this part of the world. Especially in winter, of course, when the temperatures drop and the snowing looks neverending and the piles of snow are as high as man. We hibernate our way through winter. We look like alive people, but we are half-dead. Truly so. The best thing happened now in about week ago. We had sunshine for some three hours!!! AND ALL OF IT IN ONE DAY!!! That chaos! People could not work their boring stupid jobs staring out of the windows, shopping centres were empty, people were in the middle of the street just staring at sun and not moving. I kid you not. I was like that myself!!! Immediately went half-naked outside because it felt like it must be heatwave and, as in every spring, it was not. So caught cold immediately and now have running nose. Running nose is the proof of spring. The undebatable proof. Every year! And I never learn to put on proper wintergear still. Fuck it. Just mere reason of running nose gives me pleasure beyond imagination. After the sun went down at about what, 16ish, in the evening I went back in and immediately took out my stash of seeds. Beware, the hunters and gatherers are loose and waking up!!!I have put some effort to this years crops early this time. In the end of February I had four types of tomatoes, some basil and some flowers peeking out of the pots already. And today, 17th of March it happened. I knew it would. It’s snowstorm, shiny slippery roads, snow and ice blasting onto windows, cars again covered with snow. Oh, I planned to start with gardening works this weekend. Well. At least I tried. I went to feed the feral cats at my cottage and was prepared to do some digging in the garden. As you know, sometimes the weather can be totally different mere 100 kilometres further. But it was not the case this time. Was freezing cold just like here in the big city. I made TikTok live feeding cats and then we had a chat with some followers. Chat means that I was talking 🙂 and they were listening. That’s like meditation out loud, like monologue. And the best part is: nobody complaining or saying stupid things. Only me saying stupid things 🙂
So I managed to put down some tulips today. It is not common to do this in spring tho. I only ended up with this because I just didn’t manage to do it on time in autumn. I had two baskets full of bulbs that I had no place to put to and then the land froze over and it was too late as I would break either my tools or my hands with this fight. I had nothing else to do but to put the baskets indoors and cover them with blanckets. As there is no heating in the house the life cycle of the bulbs just kept on going. I mean they were almost like in the dirt, frozen and all. The temperature drops to minus 30C, which is minus 22F. I did not expect them to survive but most of them did! Just lost handful of the bulbs that caught some mould on them or were sort of starting to rot as they were soft. Proper bulb is perky and hard like…. erm, fill in the gap yourself 🙂
I put on the gloves but still all freezy and nasty. I only got one basket of bulbs into the huge garden vases that guard the driveway, the other basketful are still not planted as I don’t have any idea yet where to put them. It’s hard to keep motivation through half year of shitty skiing weather. So now I am sort of stuck on constant planning of what to do when the sun comes out next time. And yes, I have long list of things already in there. This year I want to have a field of potatoes again. I had few years own potatoes and let me tell you – that were the best potatoes I have ever had! I had no proper seed potatoes, just had 12! potatoes that I bought from grocerystore and they started to grow the tiny white nibs on them. I could peel them and eat them but was a tad too late for this as they were looking kinda ancient already, all wrinkled up and also soft. So I took them to my cottage, dug up some few metres of land and put the potatoes in. Thought, even if they do not come up they sure will be eaten either by the rats or turn into fertiliser. In no time I saw all 12 plants turned up. Saw them flowering and took out some of the weeds that came to bother them. I am not sure when I took them up but I remember how lovely huge potatoes there were. All 12 plants had nice big nests full of fresh homegrown 100% ecologically clean potatoes. Not much but I got some 20 kilos from these 12 potatoes that I considered to throw away. Win!
So this year I already bought actual seed potatoes from proper farm/ garden/ flower shop. Took 5 kilos bag because I think it’s going to be some 70-100 kilos in return. I need to prepare the field for them, I already know where I will plant them. I have special tiny plot in a sunny place in my garden. Potatoes are pretty decorative plants, you know, all the way up to autumn. So they will be in one end of my peony garden 🙂 Will see if some visitors of the cafeteria that I run in the summer will notice.
Anyways, leave you with some nice thoughts and hopes. Keep it warm and cool 🙂
XOXOX
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84 another sighting after life
My mom died 18 years ago today. On 2nd March.
Yesterday she came to my dream, took the lead, sat into the drivers seat and drove us all away from here. Away from threatening war. Before that she helped to sort all the endless heaps of books, selling most of them for pretty substantial heap of cash. Then sorted all clothes, sold most of them. Then cleared out all the wardrobes, changed beds and dusted away. Clean line. Marie Kondo would faint! We were left one suitcase each and drove into sunshine, drove into south. Italy I bet. Because the story goes we are originally from northern bit of Africa where today is Tunisia, and very southern bit of Europe, somewhere there and it drags us physically towards Italy and France. Malta. Sometimes Greece. So my mom sat to the wheel and announced basta! here we go! The dream was so vivid, no sorrow, just laughter and excitement. Sunshine and summerbreeze. I did not recognise the place really because in the dream the location changed in an instant. The next moment we were somewhere with mountains, yellowish mountains. And the street ended in a T cross where we had options to turn either left or right. Mom yelled “yeeeehuuuu, we are almost home!” and turned left. Turned left into sunset and that was our destination. We were exhausted but pleased, gazing into setting reddish and orange sun. Peaceful.
We turned and there was finca like house, not quite villa, but a southern countryhouse with a nice view down to the sea. No neighbours. That is what we like. Secluded, but not too far from sea. There is no life without sea. I can give up everything but sea. I guess. Because I have given up, or lost, everything but can not breathe without being close to sea.
The fact that mom came to my dream is a sign. She has been in my dreams last time 15 years ago when she congratulated me. Now she showed it’s a must to leave, to have a new start far away from home. Or, actually, return to our roots. I will do that saliva test one day when I am rich, me23.com or whatnot, to see if the story of our roots adds up. I am pretty sure it does because my mom does not look “caucasian”, she had pitchblack hair and deep tan, ridiculously bright green eyes. My grandpa had afro 🙂 which is hilarious because we only now realise it. I liked to play with his hair when I was small kid. It was the weirdest thing I had seen, nobody else had such hair! No comb could get through and he did not like me messing with it because it probably was painful 🙂 but he put up with it.
Myself I have boring features, potato-coloured hair, just like 99% of peasants in these parts of the world. Blue eyes. Pale skin for 10 months of the year. G cup, which translates into nude sunbathing as there is not always such bikini available :).
I realised big brother is following us constantly. For quite some time I get ads in Youtube and Facebook and Tiktok in all the languages I know. All BUT my mothertongue. I have fooled the big brother to the exctent that it doesn’t understand who I am 🙂 I realised it just now watching some meds ad in Russian and right after that some travel thing in Polish. Amazing amounts of info that the modern machines can follow and analyse. How does Tiktok know I watch Polish videos in Facebook. How does Facebook know it can suggest italian, ukrainian or finnish content to me. Obviously we will be taken over by robots in no time. Well, scary. I was the last person within my family and friends to get so called smartphone. I had Nokia until the very last chance I could get away with it. Then I realised I need smartphone for taking photos for my workmatters. Big part of my work is taking pictures for proof. And memory because I have none. With broken heart I sent my last Nokia to retirement. All work got faster, all info moves now literally live if needed. Just like genocide in Palestine is shown online. Yet nobody does nothing because of those “poor poor jews”! Big brother is everywhere. Eyes are everywhere. In London on some random street crossing they counted 58 cameras. Big brother is watching you. That is why I miss my Nokia.
Back to roots. I have selected some coastal towns now for some closer inspection. Will go down to Frejus, Cannes, Antibes, Nice, Cap Ferrat, Eze, Monte Carlo, Menton, and maybe all the way to Portofino. Well, that’s not much Italy there 😉 but that’s a start. Will have a long work/ vacation there searching for a house or anything that makes my heart beat faster. Maybe a flat looking over bay. Maybe house in the hills. Anything really. I bought my house here just because of the feeling I had when I turned to the back of the house and felt the master of the house from 200 years ago being present. He is still here. That’s another few hours of stories.
Stay warm and cool
XOXOX
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83 afterlife sightings
Had my friend Marty visiting me at night. He came to my home, spent a day, congratulated me on my completed books and suggested to have them immediately published. He was really nice, just as I remembered him. Haven’t met him some 25 years. Last meeting was really his wedding. The one 25 years back. I only saw and heard of him in internet, Facebook and news. He was active community member on the island where I am from. Then I woke up.
Now I made myself coffee and I am sitting here, hands shaking. Metallica Enter Sandman playing. I mean what the actual fuck…. In our language the sandman is the Grim Reaper. Off to never never land, take my hand. I mean the timing can not be better. I feel sick, world is rotating. I have some sort of double vision going on. Damn. He died just a month before last Christmas. Was shoveling snow in front of his home and then the next moment he wasn’t. Fell on the ground and died. Heartattack. He was just 56 years old. All his life very healthy, no smoking, some occasional drink perhaps. All I gather from this is smoke, drink as much as you can hold, party all possible way and under no fucking circumstances do sports or any other physical activity. For sure no snow shoveling! Let it be there! It will, sooner or later, melt away in April or May.
If you can’t stand the snow, say you need driveway free then just buy the magic machine that looks like lawn mower but has like a chimney on top. It’s scraping snow and blows it up and away from said driveway. You only need to walk certain side and direction. Just like lawnmowers bursting out the cut grass to the side. I shovel no snow no more. Or if I do, I just take my miniature shovel that I have in the car, that one does not get much heavy and I only do a tiny trail for walking passage. No whole square for cars, no no no. That’s why I only drive 4×4. I am lazy and those trucks are high and cut through the snow just like I need. The downside of my cars is ofcourse that I am the only one in my block to be able to go to work after two days of heavy snow. No other people leaving. Them bastards blame it on the city not cleaning the roads but it’s actually the houseowners task to keep the parking and driveway clean. We have private lands here. I just love my work and love to drive in the snow, so I get out with my car no matter the weather. And I also can bet the other people in my block hate their jobs because they are paid staff not business owners like me. So they don’t have much motivation. Who can blame!? And above all we have free medical aid and due to covid pandemic that has been over for some time the doctors made adjustments so that nobody has to go to doctor anymore. We have all consultation and sick leaves administrated online or by phone. You only need to go give blood, do X-ray or some other tests if you need and even then your doc doesn’t necessarily want to see you. If you have high temperature and coughing your lungs ot they certainly do not want to see you. They open the sick leave in e-site, you announce to your boss that you are out and that’s it. Even better if you have small kids, less than 12 years old. If such kid gets ill you get to stay home and nurse the kid AND!!! you get fully paid sick leave. Fully paid means you get your original salary up to 14 days at once. If your kid does not get better within 14 days you might have to go and show your kid to doc to find out what the fuck is wrong with him or her. If kid is truly ill still the sick leave will be continued up until 4 months without any concequences. As a company owner I know it is dreadful situation – I have to pay the person but she or he is not working. As a worker I used to like it a lot because I could stay home in peace until everyone was up and running again.
We also have no restrictions on leaving kids home alone. Every kid gets keys, phone, full instructions on how to cook or reheat the food at least when he or she is 6 years old. That’s because when kids turn 7 they have to get going to school alone. To school and back. Full instructions on public transport, addressess, how to call, how to read streetnames, what to do when you accidentally take wrong bus etc. There is no mercy. Until it’s – 24C then they get to stay home but still have to do homework…. And they all go. On foot, keeping shape, spend outside minimum 2-3 hours a day, again with any weather. That is ofcourse one reason we have very expensive life here – imagine that you can’t really get proper winterboots for 50 Eur, at least in this country in the end of the world. I buy some of my staff online from Canada, Finland or Norway as we have the same weather with them. One more reason to keep in shape 🙂 because this stuff is expensive. My gear for winter is in thousands and I drive almost everywhere. Kids gear has to be much better than mine because they walk.
Anyways. Now it’s again night. Wanted to sort my friends visit out and the whole day was fuzzy and weirdly dragging me down. Maybe a sign to slow down. Luckily the snow is almost gone now and just the heaps of it still standing on the streetsides to where the tractors pushed it. But streets are clean, grass is green, some people already sourcing the maple juice. Yummy. Next one will be birch juice.
Signs of spring! Birds that were silent, sun that is peeking more and more and not just mere 3 hours a day. No, 3 hours a week! Because still most of the days the sun is not visible. There was sunny day yesterday and last week Tuesday. I know because it’s a day to remember when you see sun. Kid you not! What all this means in human lingo is that I have sowed already my babies – tomatoes, lettuce, rocket, basil, chives. And soon there will be various pumpkins, and some pretty flowers too. I tried last year to grow one particular hanging plant which did come up at home indoors but when I took them out they died. Probably caught cold if I remember correctly. We had minus degrees in the middle of the May and I can not act so fast as to drive to my cottage at night to rescue my plants. There is no point either as I have no heating there to hide the flowers. So anyways, these died but I had the same seeds yet in my stash. So I actually put the seeds out into the same pots the originals died. By july they were coming up again, just much smaller. Still pretty tho. So this year I start to grow them indoors later and only get them out in June, when the chances of frost are much lower than in May. Fingers crossed! My tomatoes are already 3 cm tall! 😉
Good nite now
It’s Monday already…. torture of work starts again!
XOXOX
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82 not just yet
Yes, we have Friday. In the wee hours of the morning of 24th February two years ago, just about 4 hours from now, orcs invaded Ukraine. The evil gnom called poo in a tin figured that this is the totally ok way to proceed. Yes, if you are fluent in the language and you can read true history, not the fancy bits the orcs propaganda machine creates, you know who is right and who is wrong. Just in case you pretend to be ignorant or not invested in this topic, congratulations. To save own sanity is number one goal in life. I, however, unfortunately, am fluent in many languages including orcs and I in addition to studying USSR history I actually lived it. So you better not try to give me any crap on this. I have read history of II WW in four languages. And the easy way to understand who is liar is if 3 of the 4 tell one thing and this idiot 4th is telling right the opposite 🙂 And I am sure you know the best nation is the one who is uneducated cattle. You can feed them exactly what you want and need. In general the rule is> occupiers, intruders, forced “pleasure” is always on the wrong side. Like rapist is in the wrong side. Even if rapist thinks he is rescuing you. And trying to convince you you need to be raped to become free 🙂
Me having fun observing, the best thing I ever have done in life is perfect my observing skills. I realised there are bunch of people that look like, almost weirdly, close relatives. This must be some sort of gene error then. Take a look at poo in a tin, the guys from isnotreal netanjahu, theresalist-guy and the rest of the poor jews doing their weird announcements in public. They have all same nose, same slightly retarded features, jawline, eyes and generally just looking like cousins. Or inbred brothers. I can not be the only one who sees this. They are literally copy paste!
Yes, the names go with small letter, they certainly do not deserve ANY respect. What they deserve weighs mere 8 grams. Where, oh where, the are the eagle eyed guys.
Anyways, it’s Friday and I I just ran out of tequila so now I started mixology studies. I hereby confirm the Mauritius rum with spice infusion goes with orange juice just as well 🙂 Burning nicely! Listening to some hiihaaahoo in TikTok, pretty good stuff! It’s amazing how everything is in ones phone, culture, news, weather forecast, everything. Now coming on someone from North Carolina, mix of rock and country, nice fellas named Ace Monroe or something! An hour ago there was a lady in NY subway, perfect vocals, I listen to her every week on Fridays, she is on at about my nighttime, which should be NY right after working hours…. I was at karaoke once here on mainland. The audience actually gathered me money 🙂 hilarious! That, ofcourse, was loooong time ago, right after I worked on cruise liner as a entertainer. Whatever you call the people singing in a band. They called me entertainer. I only sang with my beau on guitar. What I now think is maybe I should go out and see some active karaoke bars here. There are a few only, found 4 in the internet with rather questionable reviews tho. So alone I am sure I don’t go. All my mates live abroad, far away. So maybe I should just start a band or somehting. Never too much cash I say!
Time for bed now, it’s 2 at nite.
Stay warm and stay cool
Just some wisdom for the road> Charlie Harper: “relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra”
XOXOX
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81 spring around the corner!
Had to drag myself to work on Friday. Again. Second day in a row. During lunchbreak I measured that one banana lasts just about half way down to my car. I eat when I walk. I must be the most efficient person on earth doing multiple things at once. If I was a male I would piss while I walk too. I could do four things at once. Or five even: eat, walk, think, piss, breathe 🙂
Today in the mo I woke up at about 11. Some say is broad daylight. I say I am mighty lazy and winner in competition of sleeping duration. If no beer for dinner I don’t have any need to wake up earlier! I woke up and heard the birdsong. Birds of spring! The first announcers are here! Yipppiii! I was enjoying these birds right as my window is always open. Then I realised they yelp like people, for a moment I thought I am QQ in my head as I heard the birds say: Paris, Paris, Paris! Checked the time on my phone. It again showed 11:11. Some say it’s a sign from angels. Well, I no no angels. But I see the time constantly either 11:11, 13:13, 17:17 and 19:19, sometimes also 22:22. Now, someone explain that to me. I never see the other numbers. I would like to have a chat with that angel or so.
Listening to Harry Belafonte again. Never enough.
The Valentines day went by unnoticed. No flowers, no gifts. I am nobodys Valentine either. So I bought myself a bunch of flowers and sort of Swedish Semla buns and voila! The buns we have in our traditions aswell, we just don’t have name that can be pronounced by foreigners 🙂 and I don’t want to tell you where I am. I want you to keep on guessing. If I was to say the bun name in my homelanguage all of the blog would lose the excitement. Anyways, it’s so called imported fest just like Halloween. Which jumped from Ireland to US and then back to Europe probably somewhere around 1990? Or so…. Not sure. But I am all for the extra fun in life, I would even vote for days off if that ever came to a question.
Heard a song few days back where the lyrics translate to something like that:if loving you is wrong I don’t want to be right
there is a hole where my heart used to be
junkyard of broken hearts
and so on. I kinda liked the lyrics. I am not much of a romantic as it’s difficult to be romantic alone 🙂 but I have written a few lyrics myself. No, not written, they are in my head and they are there in various languages, sometimes I play with words in my head. You know, the ones that have totally different meanings in different languages. Like we have a cussword “arse” but in Hungarian it means “devil”, then you realise that indeed, arse is devil. Or other things like that.
Another bit of funny thing I heard and it stuck with me:
Man gave up living and went shopping instead 😉
I dread any shopping, it gives me actual physical pain if I have to go and find skies or boots or anything that you have to select, try on and it takes more than ten minutes. I get hives (? is that even a word in English) and I feel suffocating, damn, I truly hate just one thing in life…. shopping. Unless!!! Unless I travel specially for shopping to London or Barcelona or Berlin or so. This is totally strange and relieving experience. Then I have like mini vacation and I don’t have to think about work or give orders or organise something. I am thinking of southern France for this spring, maybe a bit of Monaco or Italy also. That upcoming trip is actually for future. I am going house hunting. Moving away from homeland is more and more becoming a need. And yes, it’s because of the bastard neighbour, evil gnom who for whatever reason is still alive. Why now the mighty snipers can’t get the 8 grams into each of these clowns, beats me. It is obvious we are next after Ukraine. And I don’t want to be around here sitting like a duck. So the plan is to leave before orcs attack. And once the plan is to leave to a better place then I certainly am not looking at countries with same weather as we have. What would be the point in going from expensive joint into even more expensive joint 🙂 . So the target is southern Europe. Looking closer at Portugal, Italy, France. No Spain. Been there, done that. So if all goes well I shall be raporting from sunny beach within 2 years time. With that time I am probably selling everything here and accumulating funds for the move. Fear is mighty power. But I turn it into something positive.
Stay warm and cool
XOXOX
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79 second try
I will just start with the rather bad bit that I did not manage to get into the chapter 78. I must say in advance that I have had the same experience for many times within the decades I have worked in the highly or exclusively male held position. I am the only female in this field in my homecountry and, to be honest, I do not know any females in my field in whole Europe. Which does not mean there are none in Europe, it means I have not met them throughout the years and it could be that I am the only one. However, this is just to explain the position that I am in without betraying the specific field I am working. So to spare the time and looking for the details from last post: I am the only female in my field, only local, only one who can speak local. It is physically demanding work. All my colleagues are russian speaking (yes, without capital letter, in purpose) males.
Due to the orcs war in Ukraine my workload has decreased immensly. But I have some orders that I have to now fulfill myself instead of sending some of my staff to do that. So I actually like the fieldwork every now and then. The tought part is that my work is outside no matter what time of the year it is. It’s freezing in winter, heavy winds, within two hours I could freeze to the point that I am minutes away from frostbite. The worst ever happened to me I ended up in a surgery for cleaning up my abdominal cavity from 2 kilos of puss that got there after my tubes exploded. And they exploded due to me having feet frozen for three or four days straight. I got severe cold damages and the female reproduction bits got inflammation. That was horrible. I celebrate my second Birthday on 6th of February. I also have my skin on my face peeled off many times, at least once every winter. That’s my secret beauty regime 🙂
So last week I went to work as usual. 3 pairs of pants including merino long Johns, 2 pairs of socks, 2 jackets, vest, pullover, merino body, scarves, hat, gloves. All set.
You might know the few details from earlier but just in case you are new here I repeat the vital points here once more. There is no drinking of any kind at my work. For me that is. Because there is no toilet that I can get to fast enough. I can not leave my spot at any time except smoking breaks the guys have. These breaks are 15 minutes long. I could, in theory, make it to the toilet, but I have given up on it. The setting is all male so I have no place to put my clothes that I have to take off all my jackets and pullovers and vests because I have the skiing pants on suspenders. Men have to just unzip. By the time I get all clothes off I have to hold them somehow with one hand or something while head banging on the door that is just barely 50 centimetres from the toiletseat. I can not put my clothes on floor because it’s covered with dirt and piss.
So no drinking for me of any kind on workdays.
And then the days come. The most treasured days of pink tax. For better understanding a few more details. I usually don’t use underwear. I only use it on the tax days 🙂 So I have a few pairs of grannys type. I prepare for a horror. Because I know I can’t go to toilet. I line undies with some thing I don’t know the name of. Sort of pampers for ladies. Pad or rag or what they are called. It has some glue stripes on it and it sticks to undies, and then it has also sort of a wings that supposed to keep the thingy in place. This things come in different sizes or so, I guess, I really don’t use these at all except when the workday happens to be on THAT day. Or THESE days. I despise shopping so I just grabbed some that looked suitable. They are huge, a whole foot long if not more. And it feels like pillow is tucked into your pants. And you waddle along like penguin. Extremely uncomfortable to say the least. So I have this lined and done. Last moment before leaving home I also put the usual tampon in, the biggest you can get. This is one reason I don’t use underwear – everything happens inside.
So for the last weeks horror day that took me a few days to recover. I am prepared as good as I can. I figured the tampon will only last for 2 hours because it’s stand up job and heavy physical tasks every now and then. I drive to work for about 45 minutes. So on site I have good 1.5 hours, maybe 2. After the tampon is full the magic pillow stuffed up my pants would do the job. I am all covered. And then I will use the 30 minutes lunchbreak at noon to get to toilet and do some tricks with my clothes there and change tampon and maybe also the magic pillow.
All works out fine. By lunchtime the magic pillow is still intact. I run to toilet, put my clothes into sink, do my thing. I change tampon which was already giving signs of leakage in no time. It’s a feeling you losing something soon, ladies will know maybe. Cleaned up, dressed up, I even had half frozen banana on the way. No stopping, no sitting, no no no none like that. I eat on the go, literally, walking and eating. Pretty pleased with myself! I was afraid of much worse. Because it has been worse many times!
But the workday was not over. I had at least 4 hours to go, maybe 5. Usually we end the day at about 16. Chill. Doing my thing. It’s fucking freezing. Not even the temperature that is freezing, just mere -4C, but the winds from the sea cut my face like hundreds of razorblades. I pray they quit at 4 as usually. This way I could get away clean. Literally clean. Because there is no more toilet for me! And today that is the flow day. The flow day means I usually just lay in bed whole day and only get up to go to toilet. It’s like Niagara. I change tampon every 1 or 2 hours. That is just one day like that. And today is that day. So I know my tampon will be good for max 2 hours. That’s til 2 o’clock. After that I count on the magic pillow to keep me safe for another 2-3 hours. And then I will be home.
Booooy, how wrong was I. The guys wanted or decided or for what ever point they took…. decided to work “until completed”. From what I could see we had yet to do it all looked like another hour worth of work. I think I was slightly grey from face by that time. Lost all blood. But I nodded in agreement because in this field of work there is no difference or no save if I would object. I mean, I would have to come back next day to complete. I don’t like to go to work for one hour only, so I agreed to complete. I knew then and there I will be in trouble. Or my pants will be.
Half an hour after we decided to complete the tasks…. I am frozen to icicle. Half an hour can make a big difference. The winds took up and were blowing so hard I think it’s called blizzard. I turn my back to it all to save my face. Water is running down my face. Probably some tears too. I hate my life. My feet are frozen. Damn, how can it be, they were ok just 30 minutes ago! Now everything sucks. Suddenly every detail is devil. I take napkin and dry my face so I can see – which is what I am paid for. I see all the guys hate that we decided to stay til the end. Well, they also know if we would not be doing it now we would have to come back tomorrow. For one hour. Drive one hour in, do one hour work, drive one hour out. 3 hours for a joke of money.
My tampon gave up two hours ago, just as I knew it would. It did not give up, it got full. I feel it’s leaking. It is not pleasant feeling. Luckily the magic pillow holds it all together. It’s leaking in waves, as I walk or as I do the pushing motion or pulling or any of the physical bits. It’s bursting out. Disgusted. I know with this rate of leakage I might not make it home. I already figure out I need plastic bag to cover my seat or that will be destroyed aswell. I have plastic bags in my car, as part of my tools for the work. So that’s covered. I keep my back to the winds when suddenly I feel tickling in my nose and before I can do anything I sneeze. Was an excellent sneeze! Opened my airways nicely! I blow my nose and think in horror that this is it. It has never been so bad. The excellent sneeze shook me so well that the uterus pushed out a gallon of blood so the magic pillow could not take it. It all slowly flooded over the edges of the magic pillow. Down the thighs. I am counting the amount of washing I have to do. Merino wool does not go with skiing pants. I figure I have to do washing today if I need to get to work tomorrow. No, I decide. These will not be dry for tomorrow. I feel the warmth running down. It’s on the left leg, already all the way down to my knees. Perfect, I think, I can sit in the car sort of sideways, so to make sure the seat remains clean. Oh no, I grab my nose but second sneeze beat me. Anothe gushing pulsing bloodstream running down in my fancy merino long Johns. Yummy! I am living my best life!
They complete at about 18. I am frozen. My feet hurt, my face hurts, my back feels like burning in pain. I have not been on field for few months, so I have not been standing up 10 hours straight outside in winter. Ofcourse my back is giving up. I have blood icycles in my pants. I nod to goodby. I am pissed of on everything. I think it shows. I rarely am angry, maybe once in few years. Now nobody dares to talk to me even. Usually they are all very chatty. I waddle to my car. On the way thinking what to do. No point to go to toilet, there is nothing to be saved. Better try to get home and deal with this nightmare there.
Good lord, it’s a crime scene. It has reached my boots. I am weak from loss of blood, take the pills I have for anemia. I am barely alive. I put some to wash, some to soak. I ran myself bath and fall asleep in the bath. Again. I know. I wake up when I snore. Drag myself out, take paracetamol, climb into bed and switch off.
I say the magic pillow ain’t no magic after all. What’t that thing that does not last a proper workday even 😦
Sweet dreams
Will celebrate one of my Bdays on Tuesday
The real Bday probably will be in Nizza, can’t wait!
Love and all
XOXOX
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The Mad Hatter 