The Mad Hatter

I am new to all these fancy social mediums like TikTok and Instagram. So I just made account for the blogsite in Insta, and somehow appeared also TikTok logo on my phone… dont know how and when, but there it is. So I opened it, some funny stuff people have time to record, cut, adjust, add music or some texts and upload it…. I mean, I am old, but not that old but I dont have such time! There are adult people doing shit, filming themselves and sharing this? Dont they work? I am fascinated. Because I have thousands of things to do every day, I set priorities, I select the most important and slowly but steadily I get them done. But to do all what I do AND film it??? I mean…. I must be dumb but I dont get it….. For instance some pretty boys, all tatooed and fit and tanned, 35 years old, have only tight boxers on and ask the viewers: if I was yours for 24 hours what would you do with me? What is this gigolo sales site? You know what most viewers comment there aint got nothing to do with their target – the bedroom. Most viewers say they would use the guy for something around the house like fixing leaks or roof, babisitting while mom is literally sleeping for the first time in years, or painting a house or anything that sort. First I thought uuuuh, nice view, nice abs! But then when 5th naked guy rotated and flipped around his mega-willy in the camera I dont know what is their goal and what to do with this info. I really dont know what it is. Its not porn, its not selling anything, its not complaining, its literally NOTHING but partial striptease online? I mean, ok, its for free to watch and most of the show offs are really pretty … but I dont get the concept of wasting ones time to upload this shit….

The other option is that I really am too old to understand. Well. 

But then some logarithm decided no more naked guys with mega dicks for me and now I have every second video showing me pimples being squeezed. I mean what the fuck? I find these videos make at least some sense as there are some names or addresses of the beauty clinics somewhere in the heading or footing, all good with that – its selling its services, selling in a way that even dinosaur like me understand. However, my problem with these videos is principal: who are these people who have gotten their faces or backs or other bits of body THAT DIRTY and filled with mixture of dead skin, dirt and fat residue, all stuck in black pores, or worse, its all red or purple filled with yellow or green puss!! I mean dont they have mirror at home??? The huge roundy poop-like thing is right in the middle of the face!!! How can you not see it for YEARS?????? It would take me some ten years of not washing, not seeing a mirror, not touching my face to get such result. I mean its not possible to not see this level of horror residing in your face! Dont you touch your face ever? Wash it with water, maybe even some sort of soap like thing? You have fingers, right? You dont feel there are roundy bits in your face? Dont see the black dots on your face? Oooh, to hell with that! I am pleased the mighty logarithm decided I need this sort of satisfaction, as I am hell sure I aint getting any other type of satisfaction. Might aswell enjoy and be amazed! 

Watching some feed of comedians, again, the mighty logarithm decided or realised I understand English. I love play of words. Just saw an ad that Jim Jeffries is coming to Europe. So I see I have to start booking the tickets. 

For Jim Jeffries for sure, not yet decided what country…. He is so hilarious, and his humour is exactly what I like, dark, and juicy. Then there is Bruce Springsteen coming, probably will take Amsterdam ticket for him. I am going to sort of cheat myself into it, as buying the ticket makes me actually go to the events. Otherwise I would postpone and postpone and never go. My cultural program at homecountry is quite busy, as you might know Rammstain, John Cleese, Bad Seeds, and now latest was the Queen tribute some weeks ago. Figured, I will be checking in to all the events as once the stars have made an effort to come to the end of the world, to be seen here, I might as well respond and go to see them. Live show is not comparable what is online bits.

Anyways, just took a look out of the window and what I see!??!!??! ITS SNOWING!!!! Very first snow! Jippppyyy!

On that note I shall close for today. Johnny, while cruising in US, come also to us ;), back to Europe, back to where things are calm and sweet.

While I like surprises, I rather you write in advance: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com and I shall be preparing the best week or weeks in your life 🙂

Stay cool and warm

XOXOX

Had a dream where, oddly enough, were together my passed dad and Johnny Depp. Strange, I know. My dad occurs in my dreams a few times a year. He is never saying anything. Or, I just dont remember when I wake up. Dont know. This time he just gave me a look. The look was approving. Approving of me and certainly approving JD. There is no doubt I am a nutter ;). Rumour has it, we live life full of fun and pleasures 😉 so thats why I dont mind.

What was my everyday when growing up. Most of our nation is generally people of few words. My family was even extreme. We went days without talking, without saying a single word to each other. This strange setting settled in me so strong that whenever I had a conflict with boyfriend I just shut up. I remember one time I was silent for more than three months. Living in one apartment we did not talk to eachother. Now I know what was my thinking process and I know why this silece happened. There is complex reasons that created this odd “normality” for me. You see, the conflict was always stupid – lets say, why you drinking already 6th beer and its workday tomorrow…. Stupid reason. As I realised its stupid reason to fight I also realised the best is to shut up and not waste oxygen on talking. I had nothing to add to this conflict that would make it any better. So shut up and do my thing. The second reason was I left for work at 7 and came back at 21 exhausted. He woke up at noon and could be gone until midnight if lucky. Our chedules were totally different. That in short means, that we literally had no time to fight even. I do believe it was one of the reasons we ended up living together for 13 years. Minor fights, about beer or smoking inside the flat, and these were just a 2 or 3 times. Apart of these we did not have any conflicts throughout the 13 years. However…… when that last half year started rolling, boy, it was rolling bad. The level of hate was incredible. The acts were vile and so mean I still today wonder where on earth did that all came from….. It was horrible. I think it all was just a split second away from murder. So horrible I ended up having stroke and partial paralysation. So horrible that he only laughed on this and on me, and yelled at me “you are eight months pregnant and so drunk you babbling nonsense and can not stand up?!??!”. I couldnt believe it then, after quiet and peaceful, funny and cooperative 12 years together. I cant believe it now. I was in such deep shock, it was something from pshychological thriller or something. Horror. This mental torture that followed. Days later he yelled again that I am drunk and babbling. Now I know what it was. I did not realise my speech was impaired. Then. I thought I am making myself pretty clear, but out came incoherent mumble. I called him to bring something to eat. He didnt. Partly because he did not understad a word I was saying. I was stuck home, partially palysed and nothing to eat. For days. Until I dragged myself down three flights of stairs and got to my car. Barely made it as car was 200 metres away in parking and I did not have walking sticks. Plus it was winter, ice everywhere, and I had no clothes to cover my huge whalesize belly. Horror, horror, horror. Only to sit into car and to realise I am exhausted. I didnt make it to shop. I went to drive in. You do know already what happened there. I thought I was clear with my order. They did not understand a word. I dont remember much. But I realised there is no way to get around on the ice half paralyzed. Remember crying so hard I could not see where I am. Remember climbing back out of car and up the three flights. Remember it took me 2.5 hours to get up to the third floor. Even more starving, even more exhausted. I could not phone, nobody to phone to. And vaguely remember calling someone and this someone put down the phone. Obviously thought something wrong with connection. Called back….. same blablabla, incoherent speech. Nobody realised to come by and check on me. Backfired the silence that everyone got used to and everyone is today also pretty much used to. We, as whole nation, we dont talk much. There are hilarious videos today allover the internet about our special traits. And its truth. When Covid hit we also got the instructions to keep 2 metres apart. And I kid you not – the struggle was real as we are used to keeping 5 metres apart and 2 metres is our “personal space” that only the closest are allowed into. It is real. I kid you not. You can recognise real locals just by the distance they keep between themselves and strangers. You can also recognise immediately other nationalities when you are the strange one ;). Loud voices, touching publicly, smile or greeting – boy, this is like a taboo to us. When I had a few too many beers in pub watching football championship and someone foreigner came to sit next to me, as one does, greeting and introducing himself…. I was instatly sober. And usually that was the time to go home for me. 

Few times made a really good friends in pubs though. The times when I was almost broke and started to make bets in pubs. Bets to earn money. I think I wrote about this in one of the earlier posts: I found funny lads (or actually they reached me as I was sitting in pub usually alone) and told them that I am a working girl. Note its always play of words for me, in all languages. So after stating that I am working girl they immediately were bland from face as they thought I was a hooker. Then I was pleased as I had their attention anyway. I explained I work as a bet-maker. Fun nights assured! Then they were curious as finally they had, in the end of the world as they said, met someone with perfect English! Mind you, all the girls they had seen so far were all russian sluts, literally, who stated hourly fee right after stating their names. Blowjob on “the way” was 6.40 Eur (converting to the currency we had then), all night was 32 Eur. And I told them I know you only have met russian hookers as no local girl goes out in these places during weekdays. Apart of me – because I was a soccer fan nad Formula 1 fan, so I was always out when game or race was on. Oh, just thinking of the good times in F1, Rubens Barricello, Mika Häkkinen, Schumacher, Couldhart! Damn, I knew every score, every lineup, every race I was staring like hawk without noticing anything around me. That always took almost whole day, the best days in my life at that time: a race or competition, nice huge screen, lots of beer and sometimes even lunch to go with it. Actually miss that a bit, but today I dont know any racers, only hear some Ricciardo, Vettel, Verstappen… maybe they are out already, no clue. Should get back to my fav sports though, start my own good days again… 

Made some 200 macroons and some 20 pavlovas for the upcoming housewarming party. Its actually opening of a jazzclub, but I figured some good people show up. I expect only best people as not a single bad person likes jazz ;). So I will treat them with sugar in such level they might end up in “sugarcoma”. I will have all my ads there around the sweets so I hope to get some sales too. You see, I am clever.

Closing now this small chapter of thoughts. 

Stay warm and cool

And, to repeat endlessly the email for Johhny to write his alter ego 😉 the Mad Hatter: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Ok, I have to say it for the sake of the people who have eyesight and natural sense of proportional “beauty”. Please men, young men, any men with certain urge, hear up. If you dont have a full size mirror, that is for you. If you have no brave and honest partner, that is for you. No matter what you think, no matter what you feel, no matter if you are sporty or fluffy, no matter if you think you have straight legs or Y or X legs, doesnt matter. Any of it doesnt matter at all. Just please, for everyones sake, dont wear them tight pants. Spare us the horrid sight of curly manlegs that look like peasticks under a Santa Claus giftsack! Please. I am sure you are not all blind. I am sure you are not evil looking for someones heartattack after spotting you trotting along in those…. looking like Minions Boss.

Success and pregnancy are pretty much the same: everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how much you have been fucked to get there. Yeeah, thats about sums it up indeed! I look all glam and pretty, but thats a facade most people dont see behind to. I am generally happy person. And I am happy without any forbiden or half-forbiden supplements. Beer and wine excluded. I have been beer-free for a month now. First reason is: its fucking cold now here. And I love beer in a hot summerday, or also as a drink for dinner. I have ofcourse certain foods that the beer suits more, in my opinion that is, and I havent been cooking those meals lately. But wine has taken a newcoming, if thats how we speak in English ;). I have found a nice cava and that feels about right, light and airy. And I have many small victories to celebrate so I do. Thats in order to not go crazy. To keep one sane. So whats going on behind the closed doors? Nothing much. School, courses, knitting, fighting for resqued cats health, building website, cooking for cafeteria, keeping mind occupied with this blog. Thinking of Xmas – how to do, what to do…. Time flies, and when you are alone you have to start early to get all done. Nobody there to cooperate and thats sometimes wears me out, no matter how happy and full of celebratory bubbly I am.

Lighting a candle for the passed. In some parts of the world its time of the ghosts, passed, closed ones that visit us in our dreams, and stand by our shoulder watching over. I light a candle for the kids in Ukraine. The kids who are not anymore. Who were ripped into pieces on playground. Who were ripped into halves while leaving their homes with just a small packpack. I light a candle for Irpin, Butcha and Azovstal. 

And I wonder where are the eagle-eyed assasins who took down bin Laden? Sleeping? Dont know the address? What exactly are you waiting for?

In Memory of Tetjana, and her kids Mykyta, 18, and Alisa, 9. They were the victims of mortar fire in Irpin, 6 March 2022. The day when “safe corridor” for civillians was agreed with Russia. Thats russians understanding of safe corridor. Fucking tarakans.

Love and hate. Just a millimetre apart.

Ignorance. 

Wake up from your ignorance, world! 

Time to clean home from roaches!

Pissed off on world that is pacing by old dinosaurus, talking in weird lingo, half of which I have to guess. The new services, the new business modes, all communication between people, all is online – its becoming worse and worse. People dont know how to move, talk, even just BE! What Sidney Poitier, what Sean Connery, what Ingrid Bergman or Audrey Hepburn? They dont know what I am talking about! Well, to the hell with it. If I wasnt much of a music lover I probably would not know either about Rosemary Clooney or Rat Pack or not even Jimmy Hendrix ;)…. Wonder if they would have known about Elvis without this new film now. Probably not. Queen they know, but thats surely because of the worldwide known competitions of Simon Cowell, the ones like America got talent or the Voice or sorts. Its pretty devastating that all the connection between people is disappearing. We in Europe are becoming more and more like people in US. Some twenty years ago I thought “it” would not reach Europe. The IT is what we see in big cities and hear from the adults dating world – its more and more impossible to find a companion, find a date, not to mention find a spouse forever. Because of the size of say London or New York – millions of people, nobody knows you (except when your name is Johnny Depp that is:)). Its all related, all of the small bits in society become a big scene if you take a look from a distance. I know why in India raping woman and girls is so common. Its all connected within society (not with NY and London society, as you understand) and all the trends that people create by themselves. 

I find myself being like Hermit crab, avoiding, hiding, prefer to be alone in my shell. And then I see “old people” like me and I come out and we talk and laugh and take wine and scallops and life is normal again. We take a stroll in forest and we know what mushrooms to pick for dinner. We take time at swamp and make fire – as we know how to and we have matches in the pocket just in case! We go skinnydipping to the same swamplake that has the cleanest water ever, a bit reddish but thats because it has a high level of iron from the torf. Then we go to BBQ site that our government has set up allover the country – for the nutters we are, we actually take vacations like that in open nature. We have mushrooms in our baskets, we clean them. Peel some potatoes, one onion. Toss it all into the funny ancient pot thats part of the set up of the free BBQ sites. Some fancier BBQ sites have actually small house on the plot. House has like 15 sqm, and some 3 to 4 bunkbeds and a firepit inside. The only rule with the free of charge BBQ sites is that you can stay as long as you want but you have to share if anyone else is coming there. The houses have a rule of one night stay – you can be there only one night and then you have to move along or set up a tent to sleep in. There are idiots however, naturally russians, who literally move in to the house for whole summer. Thats how amazing is their understanding of one night stay. Ofcourse, they pretend they dont read or speak any language…. so we put up the rules placard in four languages including Russian…. with no change. They were born cockroaches, they live like cockroaches spreading where they not supposed to, they hell as well will die like ones.

Spent a very good and peaceful day on the beach behind the house, collected washed up stones and coulourful glass. Most of them are green or dusty white, but I found a red one today! After few hours on beach went to the farmers market and took nice trout for dinner, yummy! A panfried trout, some potatos seared in butter, a bottle of bubbly and cinnamonbuns. Smelling like Xmas already 🙂 and now its time to make it look like Xmas too! After dinner I whisked up some four batches of macarons, all four different colours. These will be a housewarming gift for the new friends I found, the neighbours from the countryside, the ones who have ciderfactory. They will be opening a new jazzclub in a week or so, and I figured this time I shall keep myself calm and not climb to the scene. Dont really know any jazz songs to sing. Still a chance the bubbly will take me off my route, but that certainly will be either rock or country or even something called gospel-like. Depends from the mood, as you know. I have been found dancing on the tables in nightclubs and singing my lungs out when bands singer has a break but these were really ancient times. I promise I will behave. Heheheeee…

Its no snow yet, but the feeling outside is freezing. And the winds! Boy the roof is about to fly off when this storms continue any longer. For a whole week now and I checked the roof on my cottage, its not good. 

Changing the clocks again, most of them automatically do the change but the appliances that are not online I will have to go around and “doodle”. I never understood what means one hour back or one hour forward – back or forward compared to what – depends from whose point of view, no? 

Forgive the typos every now and then, and the few words that I am not sure how to write. I found a few when reading some drafts and there must be some in the published texts too. After all, English is my fifth language. So pardon in advance and in case you have found some strange stuff beforehand.

Stay warm and hot, 

Johnny, give me a sign 🙂 and let me know when you in Europe and when to pick you from airport 🙂

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Hello, people! From the windy and colourful autumn, I call you up to take a walk on beach or in forest, stroll a little in order to support your mental health. Even mere 30 minutes in the fresh air (yes, I know its not much fresh in some parts of the world…) makes you feel much better. 

I came across one video where some arrogantly sounding gypsy-like guy yapping about all women being second rated humans – only for fucking, and being pretty, and servicing men. On first spot, yes, you have guessed it right – in his idea, the only value adding people are men. Well, maybe in his primitive world it is so. If his brain functions are in such level, then god bless, he is still alive even when being so primitive. Good on him. Evolution has gained with medical miracles, but, as everything in the world! has also lost a lot. Some hundred(s) of years ago the weak died, the stupid worked til evidentally early death. Ofcourse, the smart ones were either extremely poor, the commoners, the artists etc…. or extremely successful. Interesting times. That strange fact, that many men figured and still believe women are secondary people, still amazes me. I mean, the fact that one idiot is telling this out loud, thats the amazing part. And he makes it look as if everyone in the world is guilty of him not getting any ;). I understand the frustration and pain 😉 . Maybe someone could give him a mirror and play his videos, there is a chance he realises how disgusting and horrible his texts are. But sure, there are pretty biches that qualify for this arrogant gypsy – the ones with plastic nails, plastic boobs, plastic asses and glued on eyelashes and hair, and as a cherry on top – IQ of a tablecloth. You know these. The numb look and empty eyes. 

Anyways, today I say I am a mean bitch. And I apparently have a lot of testosterone 😉 because I am fulfilling all tasks and all roles all alone. All roles but significant other and daughter and grandmother. Everything else I do – woman in the house, man in the house, chef, teacher, manager, singer, builder, handyman. Come to think about it – no man ever invested into me just because. You know, without any reason. Like just bringing me flowers or so, without any reason, without wanting something in return. Come to think about it…. they all wanted something in return. The sad thing is the equasion was not equal at all. Most incoherent people would agree that if woman is paying for fancy restaurant, taxi, even clothes for him… that the play would be as she wants. If she wants this lucky guy not to live with her in her home – would that be considered arrogance? She got nice evening, she paid for it. What the hell now with this sleasy bastard wanting to get some in bedroom? Hell no, I am wasted and do not do sex when drunk. My head is rotating without any additional help. From the surprised look I gather I am the first ever to decline “drunk-sexing”. Funny fact that is if its true. Because I have zero interest in hassling with anything else than my pillow, my bed and my covers. Anything else is not interesting at all. Hell, I cant even keep my eyes open, what sex!?

There was a funny story. As my work is (or was!) physically challenging as I have to be outside no matter whats coming down from the skies, I tend to be exhausted by the time I get home. On average I arrive at about 19. Which is late for anything. But. I first get off my gear and usually have to heat up somehow (hence the winter here is on average -10 to -25C). The best is to run a bath. Several occasions I have fallen asleep in the bath, I know, dangerous. Its the result of 10 to 18 hours workdays. One year I kept a log – I worked nonstop, without any day off 72 days straight. All weekends, all days. That was slightly less than that of my record – 92 days straight without break. These bursts of work are always in winter, starting some time around October, carry through Xmas and New Years eve, all the way up to early spring. I havent have Xmas or any break at winter for 17 years. Oh, I lied, I have had presents under the tree ofcourse, and once had dinner at home too. Haha, and even so, working like that …. shoud bring some joy? Yeah, once in 17 years time. Ok, I had a few dinners with friends too. Three dinners. A looooong time ago. These were fun, in fancy restaurants, all dressed up and pretty. …. and I finally come to the funny story I was about to write: you see, the long hours outside in winter, even one workday makes you deadly tired. So one time I came home. I had boyfriend then. I stumble to bath, fall asleep there, wake up, climb to bed. He is all “awake and ready” and, obviously, thinks I am desperate to get some as I do fuckall day in day out. He starts fiddeling down there and I guess I say something couraging. I wake up in the morning. He laughs and tells me how loud I snored when he was busy entertaining me at night. He asked if he really is that bad in bed that I actually fell asleep 😉 You see, totally unaware of my work, huge stresslevels, the constant surviving mode.

yes bitch, I am.

Exhausted now. Was at dentist today. Its no pain but the Xray shows some inflammatory stuff in the jaw yet. So the doc put some meds into the tooth or root or so and plastered it up with some cement ;). All good except this blody thing is leaking and the taste, let me tell you, is like some gnom died in your mouth. Months ago in a heatwave……….

Stay warm and cool,

Johnny Depp: penpal awaits: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

All looks like autumn here. It means very pictoresque and fresh in a way. You know the pics from Canada countryside, the ones with red, orange and yellow and green forests and perhaps a deer or two? Thats the ones. We live the same life, the same four seasons, the same nature. Everything is the same except happiness and wealth. I guess. Our country is poor as fuck. Apart of the nature that is. Commoners barely surviving. But it LOOKS good here. Deceiving looks. As you cant survive on sunshine and nice breeze from the sea. It sometimes comes as a surprise for our government too. But most of the time they are just plain ignorant.

The looks is exactly why many foreigners come here with a hooraaaaaay in spring, all ready to rock and live here – because all they see is short skirts and long legs, cheap beer and cheap life…. And that is exactly why they dont believe me when I say they are gone with the first snow ;). Because thats when the short skirts of motivation disappear! Many moons ago when this sort of internationalisations started – IT wizards, NATO masters, international companies´ bosses etc – all high flying people came here, knocked the door open with foot and stated they will be here forever. The longest term I know one guy lasted here three years. He banckrupted and left. Apart of governmental level people, ambassadors and such, nobody survives here long. Because everything is expensive, market is small and, to everyones surprise – workers want to get paid ;). And they want to get paid to cover the expensive life. All in all, the unemployed people that I have talked to every now and then tell me the funny (or not so funny, in fact) thing that it is cheaper to stay home and get the social support than for the same money to go to work. And, let me get it clear for you – the minimum salary here is 654Eur per month for full employment. Now, that really doesnt draw much candidates in because to get to work cost you every day 5 Eur, to get minimum lunch another 5 Eur. Rented tiny flat cost 400 Eur plus expenses like electricity, water, etc so even if your math was F you still know you are already in minuses. So it really is cheaper not to get your ass out of home for such lousy work. Today ofcourse, the reasons for not even coming here is that our idiot neighbour started a war. In addition or partly even as aftermath of this everything is more expensive. Foodstuffs prices have increased up to 4 times within last half year. Say a jar of mayo used to be 2Eur, now its 8Eur!!!! The same fucking mayo! 

But that is not what I had to write about today. Sort of or partly, as all bits of life are all connected. I wanted to say, that yes, the looks are pretty here. And, the local “woodoo-man” who predicts the weather has said to prepare for winter as he sees within two weeks time we will have all white here. I am pleased. White is good. Even if we have our country one of the cleanest on earth, white brings it even to a higher level. Say purity, or freshness, or also calm. The smell of laundry that dried outside in the sun and in the fresh air – yes, I know its something we take granted, and probably  most of the people in the overpopulated world have never had an actual fresh breath of air ever.  

So we sold what we have had – nature, endless forests, seaside, funny people – we sold some literally but most of all we sold as services for tourists. Many have been surviving on tourist by building a foresthuts and renting them out. Someone has a boat and taking tourists to fishing or watching seals in their habitat. Someone has sauna (actually everyone has sauna here;)) and running some clensing rituals there (that includes jumping into snow or river right after coming from 120C steamroom). People have travelled, seen the world, and trying to make something to survive. Not everyone wants to leave even if its clear that just few thousand kilometres south there is literally free living compared to what we have to pay here. Many go to Spain, especially to Canary islands. Many go over Atlantic or even to Australia. Within some twenty years abroad or away from home one loses the feeling of homesick. I know. It took me some fifteen years to get over it. Fifteen years I was desperate to get home every weekend. I remember I cried when I didnt make it because I fell ill or simply had no money. I actually never had money. Who has money when they are on street, without job and only a teenager? I certainly did not have…. For many years. It means I was hitchhiking to get to the island. And then there was the obstacle of ferry. Them bastards wanted to see tickets. And I did not have one. I remember I bought several times the ticket and kept it tight and amended the dates next time. Or glued it back together. I mastered conterfeiting all sorts of tickets. And not only tickets. Later in life I remember creating highschool or tradeschool diplomas and sort of IDs to get into clubs, as you do. But then later in life I realised the anesthesiology nurse working in hospidal did not have any education and she was putting people to sleep…. I did not rat her out, though I could. By that time she had been working as anesthesiology nurse for 10 years, I suppose she has learned basically everything possible by that time. I hope.

So I suppose thats about all sun for this year. With strong winds, or actual autumn storms every week, most of the trees are going to be “naked” within a week or so. Thats the time when the strong alcohol sales fly through the roof. Its part of surviving kit here. Either to fall asleep, fight the colds or, as many think, fight the depression. We are the leading country with depression and suicide. Still, many, if choosing wether to buy bread or vodka, choose vodka. As bad as it is, we are all used to it. We grew up like that, we die like that. There is one good thing about it though – we have almost no problems with obesity or overweight people. As there are none, except the few with medical reasons. Haha. Bittersweet. You have no weight problems because you have nothing to eat. Like North Korea. Luckily we dont have the poo-quota north-koreans have. As to my knowledge each family there has to provide government 1 ton of human shit every year. For fertilizing the fields so crops would grow. Now, that is why their outdoor-toilets are locked as you have to guard what you have been able to “produce”, people actually steal shit to fill the quota. And as you might have realised – they dont produce as much as one would here in Europe or America or any other place – as they dont have food either. Whatever they managed to grow on these human-poop-fertilized fields, all goes to government, not the people. Also a good thing – if they dont die of hunger and manage to survive, they are the most slender people on earth.

With that greatly motivational bit I hereby close the day. Think about it. If you are in need for toiletpaper, then you are living better than many, maybe even most, people on Earth.

Stay warm and cool,

For Johnny Depp 😉 my email remains

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Well, when the shit hits the vents the shit seems to double or tripple within very short time. Since my main business has shrunk due to “second mightiest army in the world” invading Ukraine in order to “rescue the ukrainian people from nazis”, I lost 99% of my income. Slowly but surely all the deals have been cancelled. Well, business is risky always, but that is not really fair at all. I always knew working with russians in any slightest amount is a risk, always knew it will backfire sooner or later. So this way its not much of a surprise that they invaded, as they have been waiting since 2014 right by the border of Ukraine. Motherfuckers. 

Thats not quite what todays writing was meant to be. My latest news after closing the business that fed me and my workers for some 20 years…. 

Apart of my family and few friends, and work ofcourse, my life has always been quiet and rather calm. I do not like much people, kinda, voluntarily not going to places where are a lot of people. Yet, the moment I get over the strange awkward fear, I do like being among people. Especially in a places where nobody knows me. I loved the Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp concert, and Rammstein ofcourse! And I love big cities and travelling exactly because then there is a chance that I dont hear the ever so annoying russian language. It really started to annoy me a few years back when more and more russians “ran away” from their mighty fatherland to get to Europe. Unfortunately they ran to us, neighbours, because we speak russian, and they are lazy arrogant motherfuckers. And part of the “poor” people started to undermine our society, our country, our laws, our everything. Even so stupid like creating fake videos of natives beating up poor russians in parking lots, hehe, idiots…. They dont even realise that the country they try to smear with this idiotic manner is so tiny that in every moment of time there is always someone eyewitnessing everything. They have not realised there are cameras literally EVERYWHERE. Mainly because of them we put up the cameras because these “poor” people started to behave like gypsies – gangs on street, bothering people and stealing wallets in broad daylight. Today some of them have been given back to their fatherland by deporting them. And they still dont get what they have done wrong. Waving the middle finger to us while on the border. Incredibly stupid or incredibly sneaky. Either way, fuck them. 

I had one of the most beautiful days in years at neighbours’ place. We only met two weeks ago when they came to my cafe in the countryside, and they invited me to be their guest at a full day event that included a lecture of mycologist, lunch, day in forest picking mushrooms (together with mycologist!), a picknick in swamp where we were picking mushrooms, and then returning to their place preparing a dinner out of the mushrooms. The edible ones that is as all the baskets were thouroughly inspected by the mycologist :). Everything was aaaaawsome! Meat, crispy oven baked potatoes, sauces, desserts, wines and ciders. They have created a venue into an old soviet era cowshed where now every week are weddings, some of the best artist giving very intimate concerts. The venue accomodates up to 600 guests, but today have no rooms for night stay, which is pretty big minus in case you want to have a pint or two. Plus, they produce the best cider here, with the real champagne method, you know, a really good set of friends to have 🙂 So we got to know eachother with their families and friends all together, and me as a brand new friend :). If all goes well we shall cooperate on some future events as they liked my interior design in my cafe and my plan to open a boutique hotel some time in the future.

So, this splendid day at neighbours´ came to an end and on the way home I suddenly was struck by toothache in the front of the lower jaw. And, if they pain itself was not enough, one of the very front tooth was moving!! And the same tooth was incredibly painful, so painful it was not possible to touch it! You guessed it right, it was Saturday night and NO emergency dentist here available. So I took 4 painkillers, had my high on these for two days and three nights straight, without ANY sleep for 72 hours straight. I took already mix of pills that are categorized under drugs and include morphine. I overdosed taking 5x more than allowed, then adding a bit of different painkillers, but still….. Nothing helped. So I go straight to clinic in the Monday morning, get in line and to my surprise get in pretty fast – I was waiting mere 30 minutes when doc called me in. So she checks and pokes me a bit and immediately knows whats going on. My lower front tooth has severe inflammation, certainly going on for years! and now it got last hit by the cider made with champagne method :). So she took Xray to be sure what is where and poked me some more. River of puss ran out when she stabbed my gums with anesthetics. Disgusting. I was in shock because it never ever gave any sign of any problems. So now, first time in my life I felt what it is like to suffer from toothache. Hooooorrrroooor! Last time I was up 72 hours straight was in my teenage years. I was going around like zombi, nothing took the pain away. Once the doc got most of the puss out she put some poison into the tooth, gave me antibiotics presctiption and sent me home. With a note that these antibiotics only start to work – read: decrease the pain – within 2-3 days. Another hit in the face. My swollen face! Not only I walked around like zombi I also looked like I had been bingedrinking for weeks! My face was so swollen I could not talk, one of my eyes was getting shut soon. I was in a state I was ready to sell my kids to satan, I was ready to sign a white sheet of paper just to get rid of the pain. That was very kafka-like hallucination, not real at all. And I know pain. But this was unearthly. I took so many painkillers, I think its safe to say I OD-d every day many times. So that is what I wanted to write today. I OD-d. And from this excess of pills I now have, finally, no pain, but I have diarrhea. Chachacha. Beavis and Butthead song 😉 Diarrhea chachacha. Nothing good comes without something bad. But I am happy now. 7 days of hell is over and guaranteed weightloss never upset anyone.

So off to bed now, tomorrow will be better day!

Love and all,

Much success to Jeff and Johnny in USA tour

And awaiting for Johnny to write to me on:

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Greets from the end of the world

Or the beginning of the world

Came out to my backyard. It has been heavy rains, strong winds, and partly a real storm here now for a few days. Winds so strong you hear it slapping the trees around. Rain so heavy it works like a powerwash for your car. And then I see the destruction all the weather has done and I laugh. I laugh so hard I have to run to toilet while laughing. People are stupid and arrogant. Or forgetful? People actually never learn that if you lost once the roof of your house during the autumn storm its better not to make the same kind of roof. You know? Because it is pretty sure to be another storm like that, and even more, its blody sure will be much stronger storm every year forward. No? So here I am, laughing. Laughing of my self. Though I did not forget nor am I arrogant. I just did not expect the storms to hit that early. Well, fuck it. Will just make sure it doesnt fly out to the road or to neighbours yard. And make solstice fire next summer. Fuck it. Fuck all. Fuck therapy. Using the F word as much as possible to let the steam off. We used to do the cursing therapy with mom back in the day pretty often. Because life here is tough and when no relieve you start to make more and more mistakes. Stupid mistakes, driven by desperation. Like taking in strangers to live in spare room, or taking the small but extremely expensive credit, or telling someone off for no reason at all. All while trying to make it look like your life is ok. Pretending all is ok, but just the closest know you are deeply fucked. Its a mixture of shame, desperation. Its a horrible place to be. I need that therapy now. 

I go to forest, to a place where I am sure nobody is. Except animals ofcourse. Then I do some deep breathing, in and out, very deep, up to the point when my head is lightweight and the world starts spinning. I know most people dont know that you can get high without any drugs :). I know many ways to get high without drugs. I have been so high in life but I have NEVER ever done ANY drug. Anyways, then you take a deep breath, as deep as you can and scream with all your might ALL the curse words you know. All one after another. You can repeat as much as you feel like you need. With stormy weather I often go to seaside to do the same therapy. Then, at least here, I am sure nobody can hear as there is nobody around. With strong winds your yelling sort of dissapears into the air.

I know there are not many wild places in most of the world where one can do that therapy. I Paris or Amsterdam you sure would be transported to a soft panelled small room and kind people help you to put on the funny shirt with oddly long sleeves…. I therefore invite you to visit me 😉 or I can point out to you some of the countries with wast forested areas and you can go check them out. The relief after such therapy is immense. I know it sounds real stupid, but I guarantee, if done with all your might, you will cleanse yourself from all the possible negative. Both physically and emotionally. You will feel lighter, and sort of cleaner as you let out all the dirty words together with stressful emotions. Highly recommend! 

New rules for surviving the tough winter here. To stop being sorry for yourself live by the slogan: Who needs a sunshine when there is moonshine! So I welcome everyone to come to visit me as soon as possible 😉 and hint – bring a rum with you, or something with 60 particles of alcohol in it. Can be tiramisu also ;), the very adult variant! I invite you because I only have wise words and a spare bed to offer, nothing else. I can feed you if you bring the goods, I can drive you around and show you sights if you fill up the tank. I can be your personal assistant throughout your visit here. I will show you how people live and have survived here throughout centuries. Ask a question and I will answer. If I dont know the answer, I will find you the answer. 

I just fed the wild stray cats that run around my home in the village. The most I have seen at once was nine cats in various ages and one hedgehog. The smallest cats are two months old. The very old one seems more than ten years old, he is angry, half blind and limping. The toughest one, he is telling me off when I put the meat for him :). I understand him. He is stating viciously how dumb people are, bastards, and motherfuckers kicked him out years ago and not feeding him on demand. And I am bad because I dont feed him every day. So he is telling me off. But eating with rather pleased face. Crumpy old puss. I see already one stripy young female is pregnant. Again. Damn it. Damn stupind people. They let them cats roam, not taking them to vet to to the snip-snip and the blody cats population doubles every fucking four or five months. I am sure this stripy young cat had babies in the spring. I have one of her kids at home, one that I resqued. The kitten had both eyes closed due to infection, all covered in puss, so he could not see me. And he did not actually fight either because they were all so hungry. I let them eat, then grab, and put to a box for transportation. He is about 6 or 7 months now, rather dumb but I keep on training him. He has incredibly soft fur and very nice stripy pattern. The other one that I resqued is pitch black, she is now 3 months old. Funny little creature, also dumb as fuck as she keeps on pissing on bed. Even though mostly uses toilet properly, in some moments suddenly doesnt know where the toilet is. Blody hell. So I have two small ones to train separately and then I have to train them to be together too. So far they treat eachother like live feed, trying to cut throats of eachother. So I sit with them in my bathroom, door closed, for hours in, eye on them, petting them together, play with them, put noses together, showing they are not food… Its been some weeks now, small steps but I see some progress already.  

So my dear readers, 

sharing is caring –  the more there are readers the bigger the chance that the reason for the blog to come to life – Johnny Depp – will one day read it.

Awaiting at themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Love and all

Stay warm 

XOXOX

“Alright, alright, alright!” as Matthew McConaghuey says. 

I figured out what is the latest term to change the bedding of a teenager. That is when you open the bedroom door and the stinch is so strong you get immediately runnig eyes of some sort of mixture of sweat, ammonium and incredible low level of oxygen. As if you have entered to the so called dry closet – the ones you find in India and Russia – hole in the ground, two footmarks on both sides, no paper, maybe bucket with shitty water to rinse your arse, and shit all around you on the walls. The Russian Mir brought these adventorous “toilets” to us also. Their idea of sanitary comfort in the end of 1800s in railwaystations. Their culture, the top notch they know and are extremely proud of …. Well, I used to just change the bedding every week. Now with the energycosts through the roof… I do it when I get the running eyes 🙂

The main obstacles for success. The basic human trait – fear of changes. Sometimes it seems all people around me are autistic! Nobody likes anything new. Nobody likes new ideas. Everyone just wants to be forever the grey mouse. I dont get it. I need progress and I need change. Because, even if its sometimes difficult or uncomfortable, its always moving forward. Its fascinating that not all people see it this way. But I try to understand. It means these particular people are in a “good place”, very comfortable and therefore think “why on earth to fix the perfectly working thing”. They are too comfortable. Everything within and around them is stagnating …. The other part is people who are, on the contrary in a very bad place and therefore feel they have no power, will or reason for change. Until they succumb. Some people are fighters, they realise standing in the rock bottom that from there is only two ways out – death or life. 

We all have a few proverbs that every now and then come in use. Either used as comedy or motivation, the goal is the same – to get you moving up or forward. The ones with life giving you lemons. Its a good thing to say if you need to motivate someone, or yourself. But I always thought further. I thought why the fuck I only get lemons? Do I have to raise my own lemons? Where are my oranges or apples then? If I get only lemons, who gets only oranges and apples? What am I doing wrong? I had to accept that I am dumb. I see some females (*just in case I dont put in girls, ladies, or such words as its all the crazy now) who do this very “feminine” thing – living off the man. Or – even more fascinating ones – live off men! And not working, and doing nails and hair every week, duckfaced “things”. Its strange for me, I can even start to comperhend the incredible “problems” they have… like deciding the nailpolish colour. The same time I see the other end of the scale. Females that work, stuggle, without a man, some with man, raise family, run a household. I see one who has not been to hairdressers for 6 years, never done fake nails, never injected anything to her face except anesthetics at dentist. That I see when I look into a mirror. I must be dumb and ugly :). I dont know how to use people, male people precisely. And I am too kind giving out my last shirt. Today it backfired. Sort of. I asked if one person whom I have given a loan, not a gift, a loan, could return it fully or bit by bit. You can imagine any outcome you wish, apart of the one where I get money back 🙂 

But I am optimist. You see I took my last money and bought milk, bread and caviar. Thats the motivational food. Poor times in ghetto always are overcome by caviar. I am famous by this idea since ever. I once had nothing to eat but an actual bucket full of caviar. I had a struggle to scrape together 90 Euro cents to buy white bread on to which to put the caviar. The pattern here is that by the time the caviar gets eaten the host has some exceptionally good news about work, love or life in general. So I am now having caviar for breakfast. Later today I shall have bubbly (that has been in fridge since New Years eve)

If you are rock bottom, up to your neck in shit, better not drop your nose. Thats the one I noticed goes around in circles. My blog here is no scientific talk but my own views, learnings, knowledge from life. So some 20 years ago I noticed that life goes on in a wave pattern. Literally up and down in some particular sequence. From this thought I started thinking that once you hit rock bottom, you actually can not get any lower. Because you are at your lowest. Than means from this moment on you can only go higher. Even though you sometimes are not able to see ANY way out. Throughout the years I started to notice the pattern has sequence like waves – meaning you end up having rock bottom every 7, 9, 11 or 13 years. Meaning you are highest the same sequence. Out of the blue I found several articles confirming my theory. You see, there is nothing new in the world! You just dont realise that or have no need to articulate your thoughts. The sequence of the waves are different for every person. I dont quite recall what it depended on but I guess its basic – region, education, workfield, etc. I started to think back my life and figured my wave was 13 years. Every 13 years I had the most terrible things happening to me. Like I wrote in some of the earlier posts it was incredible shit happening in short time to me – all together pregnancy, stroke, paralysation, giving birth, death of my mom, getting fired. It all happened within mere 5 months!! I dont know how I survived. After that was dark haze as aftermath of giving birth. Another year in my life that I dont remember anything. I moved, I drove, I fed, I excisted. But I could not sleep more than 2 hours every day. I was dying while trying to survive. I then ran out of any finances and foreclosure was about to happen (I dont know if thats the correct word and I am lazy to check the terms 🙂 But I had last warning from bank as I took credit to get my own home). I was facing again life on street, but this time with my baby. In a country where winters are usually -10 to – 20C. I had no hope. No way out. I had nobody to turn to. Thats what people with no family have – nobody and nothing. Only what they are able to get by themselves. 

I was in the place where it could not get any worse. I thought so. I was mentally preparing for the life on the streets. I had given up. Had not slept a year, no money, just screaming baby in my hands. Exactly 13 years ealier I was living on the streets. Homeless. Sleeping in corridors, abandoned houses, in winter. Sleeping in parks and beaches in summer. I thought why this bulk of lemons again.

Today. Today again lemons. Loads and loads. I have the home I bought then, but its still on loan. I have some backup food in my cupboards, caviar for one more breakfast and the bubbly that I did not open though. But the wave sequence has changed. By the look of it the Covid years intruded the sequence as its now 2 years late! That means the moon, the universe is all connected without any visible proof. 

Today I think there are good things coming from this rock bottom. Like I probably will have taille. Or waist. I am exhausted 🙂 Dont know already what words are in what language and having a bit of a mashup here. I hope you understand.

I must be in the place where I got too comfortable. That is when mighty space gives you warning. I was building a house, I had great work, fun family, not a worry. I should have paid more attention because if all is so good, sure soon will be collapse. We all know it even though not all people have the need to articulate it or even conciously think about it. Most people just go on about their lives in a fully or partly automated way. I drive home totally on automated manner – I have actually missed a few times to pick up something on the way because my brain focused on getting home, by my usual way, and forgot the small stop I had to do. Its sort of funny, because when I got home and was parking the car I realised I did not pick the stuff up I needed. 

I shall focus on small good things. Like my blog. Like my dreams. Like rain that washes away my tears. 

I am doing the ever off-put small annoying things – that wardrobe that is filled to the brim yet I cant find a single pair of socks or undies. That cupboards that are filled with array of pasta, flour, sauces from unknown production year… that desk that is covered with checks and invoices that never seem to be in the files where they belong to… Small steps every day to keep the spirits up. You still need the goal to work towards to. But the goal must be achievable. Because if not, you will give up and the depression will pick you up.

Stay warm and cool

Love to Johnny

To the mighty moon and back

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

It goes like this. The poor miserable artist works only when in misery, right? So I write like a mad person now. The reasons for this are among many:

its cold outside

its cold inside as they havent switched on the heating yet

its less and less sunshine

I am broke

I am without job

I am out of cash

I am lazy

I am tired

I am, again, ill

I have loads to do but no power to start even

I am in slight panic mode because of the above

I have to start from somewhere but today I am actually afraid of people. I am really not social being even though theoretically homo sapiens is said to be social, looking for its “cattle”, its buddies. I have always looked to be as far as possible from the human cattle. I prefer solitary quite a lot more than listening or bearing the forever stupid and loud yapping. I prefer to be. Just to be. Without anyone disturbing or needing anything from me. 

I figured I could sell some stuff. But who would buy used crap? Nobody. Or, if at all, then for small money. And that would not help much if someone bought some shirt or pants for 15Eur. Petrol today cost 2 Eur per litre. Car takes roughly 10L per 100 km. Even though everything is close by I am pretty useless without a car. I remember way too well how it was to drag the shopping through heavy rain or waisthigh snow. And the shopping was not 2 kilos, but 8 kilos in one hand, 8 kilos in other hand. Yeah, its pure comedy to watch the people on fresh white snow and ice under it…. I have actually fallen pretty badly on ice twice with heavy shopping. And then broke half of the goods into mash of food and glass. Did not bother to clean it up as it was freezing cold and nothing to clean it up with. I hope no dog was injured because of it.

Seems like its time to get a job, like the common job – with boss and everything. Which I hate. I dont like people. And I certainly dont like someone ordering me around. Its not because I am full of myself, no. Its because I have been my own boss for more than twenty years, running my businesses, bringing in bacon, all alone. Its also because I have not seen or met in person anyone who is actually smart enough to boss me around. I have heard of them. But I do not know anyone who owns and runs a business that I could be useful for. For instance, I would make an excellent interior designer with my impeccable taste – but I dont know such rich people who would use such services. We live in a poor country, probably the poorest in Europe. And with “poor” I mean we can afford the least from our salaries. Think its called purchase power in English. And, even worse – all pensioners, and thousands of kids go days and weeks and months without warm meal or even without a meal at all. As my “social” family, lady with two kids, they had 2 packs (1 kilo total) of rice and a pack of tea for all three of them for two weeks. Nothing else. She called for help after they had been drinking tea for three days. But now I dont have anything to help them with. I have to survive for next few weeks with 4 kilos of flour, 2 eggs, 3 litres of milk. Well, 2 eggs I cant do nothing much, a few pancakes. So I have a plan to take one carton of eggs, the biggest carton, 30 pcs on, and have some pies, some pancakes. I have some 70 Eur left, so I can get some meats too. Yippiii! Like chicken, and then I will make a lot of soup, the jewish medicine for everything. And I have tons of sweets left that nobody really eats. I know I am strange, I can have candies and sweets just laying around forever and only get rid of them when someone comes to visit and eats them….. and I just lately threw out chocolates that had been on the counter for two years already. Obviously long overdated…though nothing happens with chocolate even when its sort of greyish, I did threw it out. Now I am thinking that this was a bad thing to do as now I could have melted it and used for a cake. Ehh. As they say: wanted the best, turned out as usual :). In English it means you fucked up again as usual.

Anyways, today I have to get my ass moving. Maybe going for farmers market, maybe a stroll in the forest, maybe seaside. A bit of sunshine right about now, its ceratinly motivating. Though I am in horrible pain again. Predicting the weather will be changing to worse. I can predict weather by pain. Usually when I get unbareable pain allover my body it means in two days there will be heavy rains, minus degrees or even snow. Depending on the month. So, in two days time I have to have winter boots out as its probably zero degrees during daytime. All this sounds as if I am an old bat :). Well, I realised I need glasses already

Learned something a few days back. About investments. You see, you should save some when there are good times. Either just keep it in a sockdrawer or simply NOT convert it to booze or travels. Though I have not saved anything when I had good times. I invested into bright and wide view on world for my kids by taking them around various countries for holidays. Its amazing how fun it is to travel with them. I was initially scared of the usual yapping, moaning or dietary complications (read: some period in their lives they ate exactly two things only: pasta and icecream). My main goal was to get them at least try different things. To some extent it has been a success, but still working on it. For instanse one eats never ever any fruits or berries. God forbid anything as much as TOUCHES any of the food he eats! Nothing. I made peace with it as all medical measurements are ok. And I know its about autism. Small signs, but its there – strict and crazy about certain foods, not much happy about being in new places and academically incredibly smart. 

So yes, I learned about investments, good times and life following: The best time to plant a tree was 25 years ago :). So I have a few actual trees planted. But I take to a extent that raising a family is also investment. Sort of and in many ways. Investment to fun times, which always comes after hard times. Its a true test of your personality. Huge test. Some have it easier, some dont bother at all, some have it extremely hard. I had it extremely hard as I was single mother from fifth month of pregnancy. Yea, nice one. First year of not sleeping more than 15 minutes at once, and max 3 hours within 24 hours. I died during walking, I slept like horse, standing up. I barely ate, I couldnt wash myself fully for 4 months straight. That was horror. I looked horrible, grey skin, face like death. I was slowly giving up. That was the most horrible time in my personal life. Chronologically in short: stroke while I was 8 months pregnant, gave birth, mom died few weeks later, got fired next day after moms death, had flood accident at home and had to move out, ran out of money. All the same time I could not sleep because all the drama affected newborn so much he also did not sleep. Even worse he screamed non-stop. This Kafka-like shizofrenic existence sucked the life out of me. I literally begged the death to come and take me. I had nothing and no-one. No-one to help me. 

This lasted for a strong full year. Then with small steps my son started to calm down and sleep more or less regularly. In a car only. Preferrably moving car. Dangerous thing because I was exhausted and so heavily sleepdeprivated I fell asleep behind red lights. I found some parking lots out of the suburbs where I could lock the doors, keep the engine running and no housing area near (as by law you should not keep engine running more than 2 minutes in parking lots). So we slept in the car for some half year. Step by step, after four months or so, I started to get some colour back to my face. I could open my eyes, they were not violet or red anymore. I started to learn to speak again as the stroke took the letter “S” away. Started to move my hands and legs in a “sporty” way as half of my body was partly paralyzed after stroke. I mean I am pretty well recovered from this. I think I dont mix up the words anymore as I used to. Also part of speech impairment I had –  I was telling something, in my head it sounded right exactly as I wanted, but out came totally wrong words. I remember one time we were talking about horses running in forest. And suddenly I realise instead of “bushes” I said “rainbow” and instead of “horses” I said “bunkbed”. I heard myself talking bullshit. I heard myself as from the side, like in the movies where the soul leaves the body. I saw my companions faces in horror because they thought I am drunk at work, plus I was unable to say the letter “S” and making no sense whatsoever. It was so vivid, I shut up instantly, in horror myself. I tried to tell them I had stroke but I am not sure what came out of my mouth. Their faces confirmed I was making no sense. 

Its very interesting how brain works. You would think it takes away forigner languages or anything you learned in school. In my case it did partly, apparently it depends on where you had your hemorrage, left or right side of brain and obviously also important is how strong the stroke was. With very bad strokes one becomes paralyzed or dead. I had partial paralyzation and it left my hand and leg weak for quite some time. However, with languages I “feel” them even better. I noticed though anything to do with numbers got weaker. Thats a bummer because I work with hundreds and thousands in figures every day. I used to count 3850×65 within split second, not anymore. I cant even get close. So I use my phone to calculate, or on paper like true oldie :). Its true the smartphones make us more stupid every day. Kids dont know anymore where the library is 😦

All for now. Taking painkillers and trying to fool my brain to not notice the pain. Oh lord. Its painful to breathe even, or slightest movement. Fu.k, I should have taken the pills the moment I woke up. Now its getting unbareable.

Stay warm and cool,

Awaiting for my pirate/ penpal on themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX