The Mad Hatter

Well, when the shit hits the vents the shit seems to double or tripple within very short time. Since my main business has shrunk due to “second mightiest army in the world” invading Ukraine in order to “rescue the ukrainian people from nazis”, I lost 99% of my income. Slowly but surely all the deals have been cancelled. Well, business is risky always, but that is not really fair at all. I always knew working with russians in any slightest amount is a risk, always knew it will backfire sooner or later. So this way its not much of a surprise that they invaded, as they have been waiting since 2014 right by the border of Ukraine. Motherfuckers. 

Thats not quite what todays writing was meant to be. My latest news after closing the business that fed me and my workers for some 20 years…. 

Apart of my family and few friends, and work ofcourse, my life has always been quiet and rather calm. I do not like much people, kinda, voluntarily not going to places where are a lot of people. Yet, the moment I get over the strange awkward fear, I do like being among people. Especially in a places where nobody knows me. I loved the Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp concert, and Rammstein ofcourse! And I love big cities and travelling exactly because then there is a chance that I dont hear the ever so annoying russian language. It really started to annoy me a few years back when more and more russians “ran away” from their mighty fatherland to get to Europe. Unfortunately they ran to us, neighbours, because we speak russian, and they are lazy arrogant motherfuckers. And part of the “poor” people started to undermine our society, our country, our laws, our everything. Even so stupid like creating fake videos of natives beating up poor russians in parking lots, hehe, idiots…. They dont even realise that the country they try to smear with this idiotic manner is so tiny that in every moment of time there is always someone eyewitnessing everything. They have not realised there are cameras literally EVERYWHERE. Mainly because of them we put up the cameras because these “poor” people started to behave like gypsies – gangs on street, bothering people and stealing wallets in broad daylight. Today some of them have been given back to their fatherland by deporting them. And they still dont get what they have done wrong. Waving the middle finger to us while on the border. Incredibly stupid or incredibly sneaky. Either way, fuck them. 

I had one of the most beautiful days in years at neighbours’ place. We only met two weeks ago when they came to my cafe in the countryside, and they invited me to be their guest at a full day event that included a lecture of mycologist, lunch, day in forest picking mushrooms (together with mycologist!), a picknick in swamp where we were picking mushrooms, and then returning to their place preparing a dinner out of the mushrooms. The edible ones that is as all the baskets were thouroughly inspected by the mycologist :). Everything was aaaaawsome! Meat, crispy oven baked potatoes, sauces, desserts, wines and ciders. They have created a venue into an old soviet era cowshed where now every week are weddings, some of the best artist giving very intimate concerts. The venue accomodates up to 600 guests, but today have no rooms for night stay, which is pretty big minus in case you want to have a pint or two. Plus, they produce the best cider here, with the real champagne method, you know, a really good set of friends to have 🙂 So we got to know eachother with their families and friends all together, and me as a brand new friend :). If all goes well we shall cooperate on some future events as they liked my interior design in my cafe and my plan to open a boutique hotel some time in the future.

So, this splendid day at neighbours´ came to an end and on the way home I suddenly was struck by toothache in the front of the lower jaw. And, if they pain itself was not enough, one of the very front tooth was moving!! And the same tooth was incredibly painful, so painful it was not possible to touch it! You guessed it right, it was Saturday night and NO emergency dentist here available. So I took 4 painkillers, had my high on these for two days and three nights straight, without ANY sleep for 72 hours straight. I took already mix of pills that are categorized under drugs and include morphine. I overdosed taking 5x more than allowed, then adding a bit of different painkillers, but still….. Nothing helped. So I go straight to clinic in the Monday morning, get in line and to my surprise get in pretty fast – I was waiting mere 30 minutes when doc called me in. So she checks and pokes me a bit and immediately knows whats going on. My lower front tooth has severe inflammation, certainly going on for years! and now it got last hit by the cider made with champagne method :). So she took Xray to be sure what is where and poked me some more. River of puss ran out when she stabbed my gums with anesthetics. Disgusting. I was in shock because it never ever gave any sign of any problems. So now, first time in my life I felt what it is like to suffer from toothache. Hooooorrrroooor! Last time I was up 72 hours straight was in my teenage years. I was going around like zombi, nothing took the pain away. Once the doc got most of the puss out she put some poison into the tooth, gave me antibiotics presctiption and sent me home. With a note that these antibiotics only start to work – read: decrease the pain – within 2-3 days. Another hit in the face. My swollen face! Not only I walked around like zombi I also looked like I had been bingedrinking for weeks! My face was so swollen I could not talk, one of my eyes was getting shut soon. I was in a state I was ready to sell my kids to satan, I was ready to sign a white sheet of paper just to get rid of the pain. That was very kafka-like hallucination, not real at all. And I know pain. But this was unearthly. I took so many painkillers, I think its safe to say I OD-d every day many times. So that is what I wanted to write today. I OD-d. And from this excess of pills I now have, finally, no pain, but I have diarrhea. Chachacha. Beavis and Butthead song 😉 Diarrhea chachacha. Nothing good comes without something bad. But I am happy now. 7 days of hell is over and guaranteed weightloss never upset anyone.

So off to bed now, tomorrow will be better day!

Love and all,

Much success to Jeff and Johnny in USA tour

And awaiting for Johnny to write to me on:

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Greets from the end of the world

Or the beginning of the world

Came out to my backyard. It has been heavy rains, strong winds, and partly a real storm here now for a few days. Winds so strong you hear it slapping the trees around. Rain so heavy it works like a powerwash for your car. And then I see the destruction all the weather has done and I laugh. I laugh so hard I have to run to toilet while laughing. People are stupid and arrogant. Or forgetful? People actually never learn that if you lost once the roof of your house during the autumn storm its better not to make the same kind of roof. You know? Because it is pretty sure to be another storm like that, and even more, its blody sure will be much stronger storm every year forward. No? So here I am, laughing. Laughing of my self. Though I did not forget nor am I arrogant. I just did not expect the storms to hit that early. Well, fuck it. Will just make sure it doesnt fly out to the road or to neighbours yard. And make solstice fire next summer. Fuck it. Fuck all. Fuck therapy. Using the F word as much as possible to let the steam off. We used to do the cursing therapy with mom back in the day pretty often. Because life here is tough and when no relieve you start to make more and more mistakes. Stupid mistakes, driven by desperation. Like taking in strangers to live in spare room, or taking the small but extremely expensive credit, or telling someone off for no reason at all. All while trying to make it look like your life is ok. Pretending all is ok, but just the closest know you are deeply fucked. Its a mixture of shame, desperation. Its a horrible place to be. I need that therapy now. 

I go to forest, to a place where I am sure nobody is. Except animals ofcourse. Then I do some deep breathing, in and out, very deep, up to the point when my head is lightweight and the world starts spinning. I know most people dont know that you can get high without any drugs :). I know many ways to get high without drugs. I have been so high in life but I have NEVER ever done ANY drug. Anyways, then you take a deep breath, as deep as you can and scream with all your might ALL the curse words you know. All one after another. You can repeat as much as you feel like you need. With stormy weather I often go to seaside to do the same therapy. Then, at least here, I am sure nobody can hear as there is nobody around. With strong winds your yelling sort of dissapears into the air.

I know there are not many wild places in most of the world where one can do that therapy. I Paris or Amsterdam you sure would be transported to a soft panelled small room and kind people help you to put on the funny shirt with oddly long sleeves…. I therefore invite you to visit me 😉 or I can point out to you some of the countries with wast forested areas and you can go check them out. The relief after such therapy is immense. I know it sounds real stupid, but I guarantee, if done with all your might, you will cleanse yourself from all the possible negative. Both physically and emotionally. You will feel lighter, and sort of cleaner as you let out all the dirty words together with stressful emotions. Highly recommend! 

New rules for surviving the tough winter here. To stop being sorry for yourself live by the slogan: Who needs a sunshine when there is moonshine! So I welcome everyone to come to visit me as soon as possible 😉 and hint – bring a rum with you, or something with 60 particles of alcohol in it. Can be tiramisu also ;), the very adult variant! I invite you because I only have wise words and a spare bed to offer, nothing else. I can feed you if you bring the goods, I can drive you around and show you sights if you fill up the tank. I can be your personal assistant throughout your visit here. I will show you how people live and have survived here throughout centuries. Ask a question and I will answer. If I dont know the answer, I will find you the answer. 

I just fed the wild stray cats that run around my home in the village. The most I have seen at once was nine cats in various ages and one hedgehog. The smallest cats are two months old. The very old one seems more than ten years old, he is angry, half blind and limping. The toughest one, he is telling me off when I put the meat for him :). I understand him. He is stating viciously how dumb people are, bastards, and motherfuckers kicked him out years ago and not feeding him on demand. And I am bad because I dont feed him every day. So he is telling me off. But eating with rather pleased face. Crumpy old puss. I see already one stripy young female is pregnant. Again. Damn it. Damn stupind people. They let them cats roam, not taking them to vet to to the snip-snip and the blody cats population doubles every fucking four or five months. I am sure this stripy young cat had babies in the spring. I have one of her kids at home, one that I resqued. The kitten had both eyes closed due to infection, all covered in puss, so he could not see me. And he did not actually fight either because they were all so hungry. I let them eat, then grab, and put to a box for transportation. He is about 6 or 7 months now, rather dumb but I keep on training him. He has incredibly soft fur and very nice stripy pattern. The other one that I resqued is pitch black, she is now 3 months old. Funny little creature, also dumb as fuck as she keeps on pissing on bed. Even though mostly uses toilet properly, in some moments suddenly doesnt know where the toilet is. Blody hell. So I have two small ones to train separately and then I have to train them to be together too. So far they treat eachother like live feed, trying to cut throats of eachother. So I sit with them in my bathroom, door closed, for hours in, eye on them, petting them together, play with them, put noses together, showing they are not food… Its been some weeks now, small steps but I see some progress already.  

So my dear readers, 

sharing is caring –  the more there are readers the bigger the chance that the reason for the blog to come to life – Johnny Depp – will one day read it.

Awaiting at themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Love and all

Stay warm 

XOXOX

“Alright, alright, alright!” as Matthew McConaghuey says. 

I figured out what is the latest term to change the bedding of a teenager. That is when you open the bedroom door and the stinch is so strong you get immediately runnig eyes of some sort of mixture of sweat, ammonium and incredible low level of oxygen. As if you have entered to the so called dry closet – the ones you find in India and Russia – hole in the ground, two footmarks on both sides, no paper, maybe bucket with shitty water to rinse your arse, and shit all around you on the walls. The Russian Mir brought these adventorous “toilets” to us also. Their idea of sanitary comfort in the end of 1800s in railwaystations. Their culture, the top notch they know and are extremely proud of …. Well, I used to just change the bedding every week. Now with the energycosts through the roof… I do it when I get the running eyes 🙂

The main obstacles for success. The basic human trait – fear of changes. Sometimes it seems all people around me are autistic! Nobody likes anything new. Nobody likes new ideas. Everyone just wants to be forever the grey mouse. I dont get it. I need progress and I need change. Because, even if its sometimes difficult or uncomfortable, its always moving forward. Its fascinating that not all people see it this way. But I try to understand. It means these particular people are in a “good place”, very comfortable and therefore think “why on earth to fix the perfectly working thing”. They are too comfortable. Everything within and around them is stagnating …. The other part is people who are, on the contrary in a very bad place and therefore feel they have no power, will or reason for change. Until they succumb. Some people are fighters, they realise standing in the rock bottom that from there is only two ways out – death or life. 

We all have a few proverbs that every now and then come in use. Either used as comedy or motivation, the goal is the same – to get you moving up or forward. The ones with life giving you lemons. Its a good thing to say if you need to motivate someone, or yourself. But I always thought further. I thought why the fuck I only get lemons? Do I have to raise my own lemons? Where are my oranges or apples then? If I get only lemons, who gets only oranges and apples? What am I doing wrong? I had to accept that I am dumb. I see some females (*just in case I dont put in girls, ladies, or such words as its all the crazy now) who do this very “feminine” thing – living off the man. Or – even more fascinating ones – live off men! And not working, and doing nails and hair every week, duckfaced “things”. Its strange for me, I can even start to comperhend the incredible “problems” they have… like deciding the nailpolish colour. The same time I see the other end of the scale. Females that work, stuggle, without a man, some with man, raise family, run a household. I see one who has not been to hairdressers for 6 years, never done fake nails, never injected anything to her face except anesthetics at dentist. That I see when I look into a mirror. I must be dumb and ugly :). I dont know how to use people, male people precisely. And I am too kind giving out my last shirt. Today it backfired. Sort of. I asked if one person whom I have given a loan, not a gift, a loan, could return it fully or bit by bit. You can imagine any outcome you wish, apart of the one where I get money back 🙂 

But I am optimist. You see I took my last money and bought milk, bread and caviar. Thats the motivational food. Poor times in ghetto always are overcome by caviar. I am famous by this idea since ever. I once had nothing to eat but an actual bucket full of caviar. I had a struggle to scrape together 90 Euro cents to buy white bread on to which to put the caviar. The pattern here is that by the time the caviar gets eaten the host has some exceptionally good news about work, love or life in general. So I am now having caviar for breakfast. Later today I shall have bubbly (that has been in fridge since New Years eve)

If you are rock bottom, up to your neck in shit, better not drop your nose. Thats the one I noticed goes around in circles. My blog here is no scientific talk but my own views, learnings, knowledge from life. So some 20 years ago I noticed that life goes on in a wave pattern. Literally up and down in some particular sequence. From this thought I started thinking that once you hit rock bottom, you actually can not get any lower. Because you are at your lowest. Than means from this moment on you can only go higher. Even though you sometimes are not able to see ANY way out. Throughout the years I started to notice the pattern has sequence like waves – meaning you end up having rock bottom every 7, 9, 11 or 13 years. Meaning you are highest the same sequence. Out of the blue I found several articles confirming my theory. You see, there is nothing new in the world! You just dont realise that or have no need to articulate your thoughts. The sequence of the waves are different for every person. I dont quite recall what it depended on but I guess its basic – region, education, workfield, etc. I started to think back my life and figured my wave was 13 years. Every 13 years I had the most terrible things happening to me. Like I wrote in some of the earlier posts it was incredible shit happening in short time to me – all together pregnancy, stroke, paralysation, giving birth, death of my mom, getting fired. It all happened within mere 5 months!! I dont know how I survived. After that was dark haze as aftermath of giving birth. Another year in my life that I dont remember anything. I moved, I drove, I fed, I excisted. But I could not sleep more than 2 hours every day. I was dying while trying to survive. I then ran out of any finances and foreclosure was about to happen (I dont know if thats the correct word and I am lazy to check the terms 🙂 But I had last warning from bank as I took credit to get my own home). I was facing again life on street, but this time with my baby. In a country where winters are usually -10 to – 20C. I had no hope. No way out. I had nobody to turn to. Thats what people with no family have – nobody and nothing. Only what they are able to get by themselves. 

I was in the place where it could not get any worse. I thought so. I was mentally preparing for the life on the streets. I had given up. Had not slept a year, no money, just screaming baby in my hands. Exactly 13 years ealier I was living on the streets. Homeless. Sleeping in corridors, abandoned houses, in winter. Sleeping in parks and beaches in summer. I thought why this bulk of lemons again.

Today. Today again lemons. Loads and loads. I have the home I bought then, but its still on loan. I have some backup food in my cupboards, caviar for one more breakfast and the bubbly that I did not open though. But the wave sequence has changed. By the look of it the Covid years intruded the sequence as its now 2 years late! That means the moon, the universe is all connected without any visible proof. 

Today I think there are good things coming from this rock bottom. Like I probably will have taille. Or waist. I am exhausted 🙂 Dont know already what words are in what language and having a bit of a mashup here. I hope you understand.

I must be in the place where I got too comfortable. That is when mighty space gives you warning. I was building a house, I had great work, fun family, not a worry. I should have paid more attention because if all is so good, sure soon will be collapse. We all know it even though not all people have the need to articulate it or even conciously think about it. Most people just go on about their lives in a fully or partly automated way. I drive home totally on automated manner – I have actually missed a few times to pick up something on the way because my brain focused on getting home, by my usual way, and forgot the small stop I had to do. Its sort of funny, because when I got home and was parking the car I realised I did not pick the stuff up I needed. 

I shall focus on small good things. Like my blog. Like my dreams. Like rain that washes away my tears. 

I am doing the ever off-put small annoying things – that wardrobe that is filled to the brim yet I cant find a single pair of socks or undies. That cupboards that are filled with array of pasta, flour, sauces from unknown production year… that desk that is covered with checks and invoices that never seem to be in the files where they belong to… Small steps every day to keep the spirits up. You still need the goal to work towards to. But the goal must be achievable. Because if not, you will give up and the depression will pick you up.

Stay warm and cool

Love to Johnny

To the mighty moon and back

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

It goes like this. The poor miserable artist works only when in misery, right? So I write like a mad person now. The reasons for this are among many:

its cold outside

its cold inside as they havent switched on the heating yet

its less and less sunshine

I am broke

I am without job

I am out of cash

I am lazy

I am tired

I am, again, ill

I have loads to do but no power to start even

I am in slight panic mode because of the above

I have to start from somewhere but today I am actually afraid of people. I am really not social being even though theoretically homo sapiens is said to be social, looking for its “cattle”, its buddies. I have always looked to be as far as possible from the human cattle. I prefer solitary quite a lot more than listening or bearing the forever stupid and loud yapping. I prefer to be. Just to be. Without anyone disturbing or needing anything from me. 

I figured I could sell some stuff. But who would buy used crap? Nobody. Or, if at all, then for small money. And that would not help much if someone bought some shirt or pants for 15Eur. Petrol today cost 2 Eur per litre. Car takes roughly 10L per 100 km. Even though everything is close by I am pretty useless without a car. I remember way too well how it was to drag the shopping through heavy rain or waisthigh snow. And the shopping was not 2 kilos, but 8 kilos in one hand, 8 kilos in other hand. Yeah, its pure comedy to watch the people on fresh white snow and ice under it…. I have actually fallen pretty badly on ice twice with heavy shopping. And then broke half of the goods into mash of food and glass. Did not bother to clean it up as it was freezing cold and nothing to clean it up with. I hope no dog was injured because of it.

Seems like its time to get a job, like the common job – with boss and everything. Which I hate. I dont like people. And I certainly dont like someone ordering me around. Its not because I am full of myself, no. Its because I have been my own boss for more than twenty years, running my businesses, bringing in bacon, all alone. Its also because I have not seen or met in person anyone who is actually smart enough to boss me around. I have heard of them. But I do not know anyone who owns and runs a business that I could be useful for. For instance, I would make an excellent interior designer with my impeccable taste – but I dont know such rich people who would use such services. We live in a poor country, probably the poorest in Europe. And with “poor” I mean we can afford the least from our salaries. Think its called purchase power in English. And, even worse – all pensioners, and thousands of kids go days and weeks and months without warm meal or even without a meal at all. As my “social” family, lady with two kids, they had 2 packs (1 kilo total) of rice and a pack of tea for all three of them for two weeks. Nothing else. She called for help after they had been drinking tea for three days. But now I dont have anything to help them with. I have to survive for next few weeks with 4 kilos of flour, 2 eggs, 3 litres of milk. Well, 2 eggs I cant do nothing much, a few pancakes. So I have a plan to take one carton of eggs, the biggest carton, 30 pcs on, and have some pies, some pancakes. I have some 70 Eur left, so I can get some meats too. Yippiii! Like chicken, and then I will make a lot of soup, the jewish medicine for everything. And I have tons of sweets left that nobody really eats. I know I am strange, I can have candies and sweets just laying around forever and only get rid of them when someone comes to visit and eats them….. and I just lately threw out chocolates that had been on the counter for two years already. Obviously long overdated…though nothing happens with chocolate even when its sort of greyish, I did threw it out. Now I am thinking that this was a bad thing to do as now I could have melted it and used for a cake. Ehh. As they say: wanted the best, turned out as usual :). In English it means you fucked up again as usual.

Anyways, today I have to get my ass moving. Maybe going for farmers market, maybe a stroll in the forest, maybe seaside. A bit of sunshine right about now, its ceratinly motivating. Though I am in horrible pain again. Predicting the weather will be changing to worse. I can predict weather by pain. Usually when I get unbareable pain allover my body it means in two days there will be heavy rains, minus degrees or even snow. Depending on the month. So, in two days time I have to have winter boots out as its probably zero degrees during daytime. All this sounds as if I am an old bat :). Well, I realised I need glasses already

Learned something a few days back. About investments. You see, you should save some when there are good times. Either just keep it in a sockdrawer or simply NOT convert it to booze or travels. Though I have not saved anything when I had good times. I invested into bright and wide view on world for my kids by taking them around various countries for holidays. Its amazing how fun it is to travel with them. I was initially scared of the usual yapping, moaning or dietary complications (read: some period in their lives they ate exactly two things only: pasta and icecream). My main goal was to get them at least try different things. To some extent it has been a success, but still working on it. For instanse one eats never ever any fruits or berries. God forbid anything as much as TOUCHES any of the food he eats! Nothing. I made peace with it as all medical measurements are ok. And I know its about autism. Small signs, but its there – strict and crazy about certain foods, not much happy about being in new places and academically incredibly smart. 

So yes, I learned about investments, good times and life following: The best time to plant a tree was 25 years ago :). So I have a few actual trees planted. But I take to a extent that raising a family is also investment. Sort of and in many ways. Investment to fun times, which always comes after hard times. Its a true test of your personality. Huge test. Some have it easier, some dont bother at all, some have it extremely hard. I had it extremely hard as I was single mother from fifth month of pregnancy. Yea, nice one. First year of not sleeping more than 15 minutes at once, and max 3 hours within 24 hours. I died during walking, I slept like horse, standing up. I barely ate, I couldnt wash myself fully for 4 months straight. That was horror. I looked horrible, grey skin, face like death. I was slowly giving up. That was the most horrible time in my personal life. Chronologically in short: stroke while I was 8 months pregnant, gave birth, mom died few weeks later, got fired next day after moms death, had flood accident at home and had to move out, ran out of money. All the same time I could not sleep because all the drama affected newborn so much he also did not sleep. Even worse he screamed non-stop. This Kafka-like shizofrenic existence sucked the life out of me. I literally begged the death to come and take me. I had nothing and no-one. No-one to help me. 

This lasted for a strong full year. Then with small steps my son started to calm down and sleep more or less regularly. In a car only. Preferrably moving car. Dangerous thing because I was exhausted and so heavily sleepdeprivated I fell asleep behind red lights. I found some parking lots out of the suburbs where I could lock the doors, keep the engine running and no housing area near (as by law you should not keep engine running more than 2 minutes in parking lots). So we slept in the car for some half year. Step by step, after four months or so, I started to get some colour back to my face. I could open my eyes, they were not violet or red anymore. I started to learn to speak again as the stroke took the letter “S” away. Started to move my hands and legs in a “sporty” way as half of my body was partly paralyzed after stroke. I mean I am pretty well recovered from this. I think I dont mix up the words anymore as I used to. Also part of speech impairment I had –  I was telling something, in my head it sounded right exactly as I wanted, but out came totally wrong words. I remember one time we were talking about horses running in forest. And suddenly I realise instead of “bushes” I said “rainbow” and instead of “horses” I said “bunkbed”. I heard myself talking bullshit. I heard myself as from the side, like in the movies where the soul leaves the body. I saw my companions faces in horror because they thought I am drunk at work, plus I was unable to say the letter “S” and making no sense whatsoever. It was so vivid, I shut up instantly, in horror myself. I tried to tell them I had stroke but I am not sure what came out of my mouth. Their faces confirmed I was making no sense. 

Its very interesting how brain works. You would think it takes away forigner languages or anything you learned in school. In my case it did partly, apparently it depends on where you had your hemorrage, left or right side of brain and obviously also important is how strong the stroke was. With very bad strokes one becomes paralyzed or dead. I had partial paralyzation and it left my hand and leg weak for quite some time. However, with languages I “feel” them even better. I noticed though anything to do with numbers got weaker. Thats a bummer because I work with hundreds and thousands in figures every day. I used to count 3850×65 within split second, not anymore. I cant even get close. So I use my phone to calculate, or on paper like true oldie :). Its true the smartphones make us more stupid every day. Kids dont know anymore where the library is 😦

All for now. Taking painkillers and trying to fool my brain to not notice the pain. Oh lord. Its painful to breathe even, or slightest movement. Fu.k, I should have taken the pills the moment I woke up. Now its getting unbareable.

Stay warm and cool,

Awaiting for my pirate/ penpal on themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Oh, well. How can someone lose jeans at home? You know, pants. I found my jeans today. I did not know they were in my closet. Lost them five years ago. Under the pile of clothes. That literally means I have too much clothes. I am ofcourse very happy that I found them as I despise going to shops and looking for decent stuff. The worst is the time when you sort of find something that you like and just in case you go to try them on. And that shit makes you very awake, sober if you will – because you have not seen anything that hideous in your life! Last time I was sort of forced to buy a dress was in the spring for the upcoming graduation parties. I postponed this torture to the last minute, and then that was the day when I had to look presentable. …. So I went to the best department store we have. Cruised around for a whole hour, picked five dresses that seemed like something that would fit and look ok. First problem is the sizes. I dont know why the production cant get to agree on some mutual measurements. Like, when I get Hilfiger M jeans then I can get Guess M jeans too and they would be the same measurements. No, Guess is always pretty wild guess, they never fit. I mean, they fit, but just around my knees, nothing higher. Who are these avatarshaped girls who can wear such jeans? Then I thought, OK, let me check the L size then. Well, this ……. these were so big I could easily sew second pair out of the excess legmaterial.

So I have the five dresses, all pretty fancy. One electric blue, one moss green, one with some flowers and two black dresses. All size 40 just in case, as even though I am size 38 I cant get my E cup into 38. I have tried a few times …. I have succeeded a few times too but then I could get the stuff off again 🙂

So the prettiest is electric blue, goes well with my blue eyes. Open all zips only to realise its more like 34 anorectic size. Take the moss green, get it even on, just to see that if I dare to breathe that would be the end of this dress. I am already exhausted. Its hot, tight fight with the non-40 size 40 size dresses, I am sweating like pig. Pissed off on this non-40 40 dresses. I hate shopping. There is nothing else I hate that much. Every time I feel like I have lost five years off my life, I actually start shaking, unable to breath and I feel like someone that is near 100 years old. I think of quitting this, every fucking time same old same old. Nothing changes. Not even my body has changed yet, I still need the same size stuff, its not like I have lost 20 kilos or gained 20. I am the same size like last 20 years. I dont know what it is with clothes and me. I certainly am not able to remember every labels actual sizes. I tried to remember the labels that I can wear. I only were able to remember, that no “guessing”! Thats because I am “forced” to shop just once in five years. Oh, its disasterous.

So third dress, the flowery, thats very in at the moment – everything flowery. Looks nice on the hanger. I even get it on. Unfortunately the buttons in front dont close. I mean if I ever want to create a great disturbance that is the dress to go for. I might even drop the bra for major impact. But boy, its hideous on me. I look like the Castor man/girl or whatever it is. I think it would be very nice if they had 3 sizes bigger, to actually cover my tits. But then I remember that I took the biggest they had. Size 40. And I am sure the size 40 is nowhere near 40. Or, their 40 is meant for models whose tits grow inwards? I dont know. For a moment I think maybe I got lost in the store and took this dress from the kids ile…… But kids sizes are in centimetres, like 164 or 170 or so. Oh, I again think of dropping the whole thing and go home, lay down and cure this horror with megapint. 

Last time I was so exhausted was when I gave birth.

So now two last black dresses. They both fit excellent. Tits in, ass in, zips closed, buttons closed, I actually can breathe without fear, I can bend, I can sit. Miracle. I am in shock. Because its FIRST TIME in my life! So far I always had to redo EVERYTHING. Every dress, every pair of pants, every bloody jacket, always something not right. I stare in the mirror, I am so tired I feel as if I am not able to drive home even. I sit in the cabin for good 10 minutes staring at the two black dresses. Thinking how weird I must look for the staff and security ( I am sure they follow the cameras every now and then). I have never felt so good. I know its really strange and probably only the big busted girls would understand. The girls with slightly swollen nipples never get me. I mean they always claimed they can run long distances easily 🙂 and they did not get why I had to hold my breast with one hand when I tried to explain that on high speed they would go amok and knock me out! Thats why I quit running – because of my tits 🙂

I remember I cried long when I had my first proper, correct size, correct fit, bra. I believe I was 27. Until then it was always too small. Disgusting looking, you know tits climbing out of the cups, looking like perv Michelin man. 

So I found my fav jeans. Good timing. No more dresses now, its winter coming. 

Stay warm and cool, Johnny!

Themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

The last post turned into a whiplash on everything that annoys me since the beginning of times – stupidity, arrogance, russians and royals. Thats the basics. The truth comes out when the last drop falls. Or, as they say, in vino veritas. Except I have not had any alcohol for weeks. So the truth that came out is even more truth. I have been venting the shit every now and then, but its somehow not clearing it at all in political battlefield. As many have other views, many have no views just hanging on to the rather good income for doing nothing. Talking heads. Freeloaders. The extremely annoying type of people, the I-know-it-all type. They are everywhere, you just distance yourself from them ….

I am sure you have met such people. They are sort of rare, even so, when you see them you are taken aback, eyes pop out, mouth open, you look like you caught Down on the way. But thats only because you are amazed. He knows it all! He knows all about building houses, metalworks, car repairs, everything about every engine, world trade, fishing, politics, languages, cooking, timber, online features, films, history, space, and even pregnancies and birthing! And he announces everything with loud voice, also adding a few handgestures every now and then. I was in awe. Close to shock because until that I was sure I am pretty competent and confident of my knowledge in various fields. 

Wind down today at home. Probably will do fuckall. Too lazy to do anything. Weather is “stupid” today, sort of raining but not quite. As if can not decide. 

Anyone to cheer me up? Sunshine? Johnny? Or Sunshine Johnny 🙂 

I can not keep my eyes open, so probably will collapse now for few hours.

Stay warm and cool,

The Mad Hatter

themaddeshattereverseen@gmail.com

First hit. 

Got ill, temperature drops outside, temperature rises within me. Have been weak and useless for more than a week now. Its rather usual program every year. The only thing changes is the timing. The moment there are first minus degrees outside in the night I usually get first round of fever, running nose and sore throat. Body is taking a rest every year after intensive working. Or intensive heatwave that wore us out this year. And not to mention the war that is going on just next door. It sneaks in on you because you happen to have the same shithole of a country as a neighbour. I have to switch my brain off from the war. It has interesting effect on people. Some probably dont even realise. I have severe symptoms of extreme stress, luckily not yet depression. I barely function. So to function as good as I can, I can not afford thinking on the shithole of a country or its people who are literally everywhere yapping about the incredibly mighty country and nation they are. It makes me sick. They spreading like roaches. They dont understand they are not welcome. Anything they touch turns into a shite. Bottomscrapers. Yet so loud and so stupid. Hand in hand, the more stupid you are, the more loud you are.

I have lived with them in our community forever. Throughout my life I have always liked observing people, as I literally figured I dont understand people. So I watch, take notes in my head, remember. This way every now and then I find myself a bit confused, as living in a parallel world of sort. Or de-javu, when the bits of puzzle fall into places. Pieces that I saw 20 years ago now fall into their places. I think based on this strange puzzle I have been able to predict what happens next. 

I saw infinity sign everywhere for about half year now. Then on the wee hours of 8th September I woke up happy from a dream where Her majesty and I were walking in park with dogs. I dont evel like dogs much. Then she went. Waving goodbye. When the news came in in the eve I had no news as I knew in the morning already. Its strange that I saw her and her husband many years, first time some 20 years ago. Saw him leaving too, some year ago. Its strange that I saw them as I dont accept the “blue blood” status or set up in any country. You see I must say I dont understand the royal thing. Never understood, never will agree to play along with this stupid violent inheritance. In my view its all very wrong, today, in any place in world, to have anything like that still excisting. In my eyes, the so called royals are nothing but freeloaders. And even worse, they are the “proud” result of opression, wars, killings, rapes, slavery, not to mention inbreeding. Their ancestors literally killed, conqured, opressed a bit of land, took what was not theirs, killed and raped when not obeyed. I mean, I would not be proud if my grand-grand-grands were such. On the contrary, I would return all they stole and announced their “own”, be in deep shame for what they have done and go get a job. Hell, I am ashamed that the Queen did not do it. I so despise such thing. Its beyond arrogant. Its stealing in broad daylight. Stealing from commoners, which, royals are actually aswell. Just people. The only difference is they are arrogant freeloaders.

In the same time I quite like Nederlands and Sweden so called royals. Again, nothing royal there, at least they get a job, not living a freeloaders life. One dutch prince is commercial pilot. Swedish king cancelled all titles and money from his kids, finally one with some common sense. You have to realise you can not, or should not, feed bunch of people for country´s taxes only because you could not keep your pants on. Just get a job and close this leftover joint. And make a museum out of the buildings.  

I get pissed off on such topics. You can tell all you want, in my eyes they are just result of long line of criminal acts – war, killing, rapes, stealing (they call these acts, obviously, with a different name) etc – and it makes me sick that everyone seems to be pretending they are proud of it. Strange “logic”. Or, people just take its easier to just go with the flow. Cattleforce is something one should not ignore, thats for sure. Look at the war in Ukraine. One idiot has been acting like “royals” since ever. Except his goal is to kill and rape today the same way HM ancestors did hundreds of years ago. I mean he is doing it today. Processes are the same. Taking what is not yours.   

Anyways. Caravan continues to go on no matter what. In my little bubble of life not much joy. Yes, joy of being alive, maybe. The rest is gray everyday, every now and then some stupid problems pop up, then you sort them out. The moment you realise you have half day off and pick a book to read in bliss… an email, an invoice, a phonecall distracts you and again, you lose your track. I have been trying to have my home evaluated for a loan since spring. For this I need to make it look like a girl is living here. You read right. Since spring I need to apply for a loan and I have not been able to clean up my home. I have bikes here, I have plants on my kitchentable, I have constant flow of washing and then dryingrack in the middle of it all. Basically half a year and I have not been able to get the evaluation done. Nobody else to blame.

So I have been tidying up my garden at least. Prepping for winter. If all goes well I will have alliums, tulips and narcissus blast in the spring. Alliums are the ones with huge ball shape flowers, from white to violet colours and up to 1.5 metres high. Then I have taken down some strange bush-like trees that come out of nowhere and I have no idea what they are – I mean they must be rubbish as I recognise the pretty and precious trees like oak, birch, ash and so on. 

Plus you can not predict the weather so when you work and sweat in the garden then you usually do not realise the danger of going out on the wind and sun to get some ease. I mean you get some ease, but together with the ease you get draft. Which equals fever in the evening ….. for three or four days. I just slept for four days straight. Too weak to do anything. Literally just get up, make round in toilet, fall back into bed. Tried to read a book, couldnt keep eyes open. So in total I currently have too much negative emotions in my life. The good emotions come from the warzone when ukrainians take back whats theirs. In the same time its bugging me – its not a kind emotion when you realise you are happy over death. You see, the nature is to be proud when winning. But next thought – holy cow, more than 50 000 stupid russians, most of them young, killed. For what. And why, oh why, they just dont go to war…. I dont get it. The same thought, thousands of ukrainians, kids, women, killed in playground, on street. Raped, burned. What a nice neighbour we have. We know our neighbour well, but not one country in EU listened to us in 2014, nor now, in 2022. Their talking heads are too far from the evil russians. We have lived for almost a century with them right here. We know how their mind works. Just as everyone knows how gypsy mind works. Just as everyone knows how jews mind works. Its stereotypes. But to our unfortunate past its many a times true. I can tell you thousands of stories where the stereotypes are way too mild for russians, they exceed the expectations. In a negative way. I have some nice stories too, but they are seldom, very seldom. The usual keywords for russians are loud, stupid, incoherent, no local national language skills, arrogance, violence. 90% of the prisoners here are russian. Its a closed circle that get ammunition from their own arrogance. You see, they refuse to learn official language. Then dont get a good job because for a good job you need to have the local language. Then they are rather poor. Then they try to get some income. Drugs, criminal acts, drinking. While drunk there is stabbing – companions realised the other drinking buddy “doesnt respect me” and kills the blody bastard. I see its a self-cleaning social group, yes. But its the clearcut results of their own Russian Mir that they praise and sing halleluja to. They dont see the logic, ofcourse. They loudly announce we, local “aborigens” treat them unfairly, refuse to pay them good, refuse to give them a job even. Oh, I feel more and more reluctant even speaking to them. They make me sick. 30, 50, 80! years of living here and they cant say one sentence! Yet I am fluent in russian. Fuck them. Close the border, send them back to their mighty country filled with endless milkrivers and cereal mountains. 

Have the gardenworks still do do. From Nederlads came huge box full of various springflowers bulbs. So hopefully I get them planted within few days. Then there is all. Finito. End of season. Closing the house for winter. Opening only for Xmas wonderland (if there is snow, that is), hot stew, pies, grilling marchmellows on fire inbetween the hills of snow, cocoa and rum. Lots of rum to keep warm. Ice will be produced in the garden as its so clean. Tested, approved 🙂

Love you to the moon and back

Take care of kind people and yourself

Ignore and cut out the evil people

Life is too short to waste on anything bad

Slava Ukraini!

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Its getting closer and closer to autumn. That means gathering crops, apples, mushrooms. Cleaning up the summery stuff that doesnt bloom anymore. Clearing up the yard so one doesnt break legs when everything is covered in snow as high as hips. That means just any minute now there will be colourful leaves, crisp mornings, rain, shorter days. That also means school. A disasterous restart of the nonstop horror for kids 🙂 . The same horror that parents like. Finally get the kids out of their rooms, off from their endless and mostly stupid computergames, off from their back. For some blissful mornings at least 🙂 . The kids sure do not agree. But who is asking!

For some it means prepping for Xmas. Yes, you read right! Those are the real nutters, but I have tried it too. One year I had eyes out on presents already in August. That was, in fact, the most peaceful, calm and pleasant Xmas ever. No last minute running in panic, no worry except the food part. I really really liked it. Had everything ready on time, fridge full of good meats, and wines, bathroom filled with candles and bathoils, and did not have to leave the house for a week! Bliss! If there was no trash to be taken out, I would not leave the house for months on in.

But somehow the start of school always distracts me now. I must write down memocard for this and hang it in the car so I will see it every time I go to drive….

The truth is, I have my Xmas setting up all year long for last three years or so. I am the king of nutters, the god of nutters! I have six stationary Xmas trees up all the time in my cottage. There are different themes, or say coloursettings. One tree is white tree with black ornaments. Its really pretty, probably will set it to my black and white kitchen this year. So whoever wants I can sell it to, all of it or just part of it. The other is all pink, third one is traditional green with orange ornaments. I have a whole Xmas shop in my cottage, actually. Baubles in crates and baskets, all colourcoordinated. Trees (fake ones ofcourse) both green and white. Gifts, you know the unisex sort of last minute or just a kind gesture – knitted toys, socks, scarves, hats, throws, truffels, gingerbreads, macroons, soaps and scrubs. Bits and pieces that I like myself and that are mainly made by myself actually. Knitting away all winter, what else to do if its so blody minus 20 degrees outside…. I also arrange some outings for groups, mainly kids, in my cottage. We do some crafts, mainly Xmas deco. Then there is hot chocolate with marchmellows, obviously, and some gingerbreads, and Swedish cinnamonrolls. If the winds are not killing the mood we do sort of campfire in the pit and grilling sausages on the fire. Kids love it. The sausages taste totally different from anything they have ever tried. And I love it as kids are so funny. Telling all sorts of veird stuff and telling half of it using words I never heard even. You know, modern slang. I am literally not understanding but guessing half of their stories! Yeah, I am getting old 😉 Its like Santas home by the time of the snow comes. Only one missing is the Santa 😉 

Creating sweet memories. I love it. And some of them come back in summer, just to get some sweets from cafe and tell me how they miss this strange outing in winter, with logs in fire and the most tasty veird sausages they have ever had. So its a chance to make plan and come again! Thats why I like winter with a lot of snow. Only with snow its nice, white, clean and crisp. And its pretty like on postcard. 

Except no Santa in that picture… 

Wonder where he is…

A gig or two perhaps, Johnny? 

Themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

or hohoho 🙂 

(not in a kinky way)

Joyous days! Everything is going towards better future. Even thought it has been rather severe heat these days, I have got many things done. The best part is that household is somewhat getting ready for winter – some are clearing crops already, I have some fixing in the garden done, sorting out schooling and fighting with homeless cats´ constant hunger. The last means I just get them huge amounts of feed. One day there was 7 cats at once eating as if they have never eaten in their life. Boy, one of them stole my hot BBQ ribs from the table. All that was left was 1 cm of the bone. Hell, this one chopped right through the bone! Good teeth!

Part of Europe is in fire, we are in a tense situation too. 33C is not very common here, and it has been that hot for some week or so. Today promises the same heat together with heavy rains. Thats a clear sign the weather is fucked up. But we will survive. 

Sitting now in the garden on my terrace, getting 2 in 1 done as usual: writing and sunbathing! Multitasking as always. Actually 3 things in one as I also make plans of what to do today in the garden. Have again been to a speciality shop and bought so many plants I almost could not get into the car myself. Dangerous places. Expensive, yet its always the feeling I desperately need exactly these bushes and these flowers and ofcourse, the tree that has protective powers for house and my sodiac :). So I barely made it out of the shop, happy and poor :). Now I have to sort the plants who to where to plant and get shoveling. 

In the eve starting to go towards the concert that is taking place tomorrow eve in Estonia. The bad seeds and Nick Cave. It will be a blast I hope. Though nothing can beat Rammstein :), but I will not say it out loud. They are two way different artists. And I believe both like eachother aswell. 

So, almost the last call for traveller mr Depp. Please get your ticket, go to the airport, get to the gates and take the trip to Estonia where you will be met by your biggest online supporter, The Mad Hatter. Please advise in advance the time of your arrival to make proper arrangements (no carpet in airport though) by writing to themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Stay cool and hot,

Just to make you jealous. 

Picture this. 1922, Sicily, a young feisty girl… Haah, thats from Golden Girls, not my life…

My life today. Sunshine. 23C. I was having a day off at my cottage. Doing fuckall. Took off bikini to lay down in the sun, to collect, what can easily be the last sun this year. I can smell the autumn, the rain, the mushrooms, already slight plums and apples. So I lay there on terrace, naked. As never ever anyone comes to visit, no neighbours ever come over. I am very private and rather loner. And ofcourse today, since 17 years having no visitors ever just bump in, today was the day. 

Its pretty much the sketch in internet where it states: if your biggest fear is to have spider in bathroom, be sure thats what will be in no time. So, my biggest fear is to have Johnny Depp in my bedroom.

But I was not afraid someone will come to my place unannounced. Yet that exactly what happened. No drama though. Good laugh instead. So now I am focusing on my fear of JD being in my bedroom. 

Aside of the unexpected visitor in my backgarden. Do you know what sunshine and heat do to you? When you are sunbathing naked, all oiled in. And alone. Thoughts start wandering about, shivers there, hunger. Its getting hot very fast, I tell you :). 

Leave you to continue the thinking. Let the imagination fly. 

Just a hint. I was not caught 🙂 but it was a close call! Though I can not be sure as I was facing the sun…

And, Johnny, I am terribly scared to find you in my bedroom!

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com