The Mad Hatter

Oh, well. How can someone lose jeans at home? You know, pants. I found my jeans today. I did not know they were in my closet. Lost them five years ago. Under the pile of clothes. That literally means I have too much clothes. I am ofcourse very happy that I found them as I despise going to shops and looking for decent stuff. The worst is the time when you sort of find something that you like and just in case you go to try them on. And that shit makes you very awake, sober if you will – because you have not seen anything that hideous in your life! Last time I was sort of forced to buy a dress was in the spring for the upcoming graduation parties. I postponed this torture to the last minute, and then that was the day when I had to look presentable. …. So I went to the best department store we have. Cruised around for a whole hour, picked five dresses that seemed like something that would fit and look ok. First problem is the sizes. I dont know why the production cant get to agree on some mutual measurements. Like, when I get Hilfiger M jeans then I can get Guess M jeans too and they would be the same measurements. No, Guess is always pretty wild guess, they never fit. I mean, they fit, but just around my knees, nothing higher. Who are these avatarshaped girls who can wear such jeans? Then I thought, OK, let me check the L size then. Well, this ……. these were so big I could easily sew second pair out of the excess legmaterial.

So I have the five dresses, all pretty fancy. One electric blue, one moss green, one with some flowers and two black dresses. All size 40 just in case, as even though I am size 38 I cant get my E cup into 38. I have tried a few times …. I have succeeded a few times too but then I could get the stuff off again 🙂

So the prettiest is electric blue, goes well with my blue eyes. Open all zips only to realise its more like 34 anorectic size. Take the moss green, get it even on, just to see that if I dare to breathe that would be the end of this dress. I am already exhausted. Its hot, tight fight with the non-40 size 40 size dresses, I am sweating like pig. Pissed off on this non-40 40 dresses. I hate shopping. There is nothing else I hate that much. Every time I feel like I have lost five years off my life, I actually start shaking, unable to breath and I feel like someone that is near 100 years old. I think of quitting this, every fucking time same old same old. Nothing changes. Not even my body has changed yet, I still need the same size stuff, its not like I have lost 20 kilos or gained 20. I am the same size like last 20 years. I dont know what it is with clothes and me. I certainly am not able to remember every labels actual sizes. I tried to remember the labels that I can wear. I only were able to remember, that no “guessing”! Thats because I am “forced” to shop just once in five years. Oh, its disasterous.

So third dress, the flowery, thats very in at the moment – everything flowery. Looks nice on the hanger. I even get it on. Unfortunately the buttons in front dont close. I mean if I ever want to create a great disturbance that is the dress to go for. I might even drop the bra for major impact. But boy, its hideous on me. I look like the Castor man/girl or whatever it is. I think it would be very nice if they had 3 sizes bigger, to actually cover my tits. But then I remember that I took the biggest they had. Size 40. And I am sure the size 40 is nowhere near 40. Or, their 40 is meant for models whose tits grow inwards? I dont know. For a moment I think maybe I got lost in the store and took this dress from the kids ile…… But kids sizes are in centimetres, like 164 or 170 or so. Oh, I again think of dropping the whole thing and go home, lay down and cure this horror with megapint. 

Last time I was so exhausted was when I gave birth.

So now two last black dresses. They both fit excellent. Tits in, ass in, zips closed, buttons closed, I actually can breathe without fear, I can bend, I can sit. Miracle. I am in shock. Because its FIRST TIME in my life! So far I always had to redo EVERYTHING. Every dress, every pair of pants, every bloody jacket, always something not right. I stare in the mirror, I am so tired I feel as if I am not able to drive home even. I sit in the cabin for good 10 minutes staring at the two black dresses. Thinking how weird I must look for the staff and security ( I am sure they follow the cameras every now and then). I have never felt so good. I know its really strange and probably only the big busted girls would understand. The girls with slightly swollen nipples never get me. I mean they always claimed they can run long distances easily 🙂 and they did not get why I had to hold my breast with one hand when I tried to explain that on high speed they would go amok and knock me out! Thats why I quit running – because of my tits 🙂

I remember I cried long when I had my first proper, correct size, correct fit, bra. I believe I was 27. Until then it was always too small. Disgusting looking, you know tits climbing out of the cups, looking like perv Michelin man. 

So I found my fav jeans. Good timing. No more dresses now, its winter coming. 

Stay warm and cool, Johnny!

Themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

The last post turned into a whiplash on everything that annoys me since the beginning of times – stupidity, arrogance, russians and royals. Thats the basics. The truth comes out when the last drop falls. Or, as they say, in vino veritas. Except I have not had any alcohol for weeks. So the truth that came out is even more truth. I have been venting the shit every now and then, but its somehow not clearing it at all in political battlefield. As many have other views, many have no views just hanging on to the rather good income for doing nothing. Talking heads. Freeloaders. The extremely annoying type of people, the I-know-it-all type. They are everywhere, you just distance yourself from them ….

I am sure you have met such people. They are sort of rare, even so, when you see them you are taken aback, eyes pop out, mouth open, you look like you caught Down on the way. But thats only because you are amazed. He knows it all! He knows all about building houses, metalworks, car repairs, everything about every engine, world trade, fishing, politics, languages, cooking, timber, online features, films, history, space, and even pregnancies and birthing! And he announces everything with loud voice, also adding a few handgestures every now and then. I was in awe. Close to shock because until that I was sure I am pretty competent and confident of my knowledge in various fields. 

Wind down today at home. Probably will do fuckall. Too lazy to do anything. Weather is “stupid” today, sort of raining but not quite. As if can not decide. 

Anyone to cheer me up? Sunshine? Johnny? Or Sunshine Johnny 🙂 

I can not keep my eyes open, so probably will collapse now for few hours.

Stay warm and cool,

The Mad Hatter

themaddeshattereverseen@gmail.com

First hit. 

Got ill, temperature drops outside, temperature rises within me. Have been weak and useless for more than a week now. Its rather usual program every year. The only thing changes is the timing. The moment there are first minus degrees outside in the night I usually get first round of fever, running nose and sore throat. Body is taking a rest every year after intensive working. Or intensive heatwave that wore us out this year. And not to mention the war that is going on just next door. It sneaks in on you because you happen to have the same shithole of a country as a neighbour. I have to switch my brain off from the war. It has interesting effect on people. Some probably dont even realise. I have severe symptoms of extreme stress, luckily not yet depression. I barely function. So to function as good as I can, I can not afford thinking on the shithole of a country or its people who are literally everywhere yapping about the incredibly mighty country and nation they are. It makes me sick. They spreading like roaches. They dont understand they are not welcome. Anything they touch turns into a shite. Bottomscrapers. Yet so loud and so stupid. Hand in hand, the more stupid you are, the more loud you are.

I have lived with them in our community forever. Throughout my life I have always liked observing people, as I literally figured I dont understand people. So I watch, take notes in my head, remember. This way every now and then I find myself a bit confused, as living in a parallel world of sort. Or de-javu, when the bits of puzzle fall into places. Pieces that I saw 20 years ago now fall into their places. I think based on this strange puzzle I have been able to predict what happens next. 

I saw infinity sign everywhere for about half year now. Then on the wee hours of 8th September I woke up happy from a dream where Her majesty and I were walking in park with dogs. I dont evel like dogs much. Then she went. Waving goodbye. When the news came in in the eve I had no news as I knew in the morning already. Its strange that I saw her and her husband many years, first time some 20 years ago. Saw him leaving too, some year ago. Its strange that I saw them as I dont accept the “blue blood” status or set up in any country. You see I must say I dont understand the royal thing. Never understood, never will agree to play along with this stupid violent inheritance. In my view its all very wrong, today, in any place in world, to have anything like that still excisting. In my eyes, the so called royals are nothing but freeloaders. And even worse, they are the “proud” result of opression, wars, killings, rapes, slavery, not to mention inbreeding. Their ancestors literally killed, conqured, opressed a bit of land, took what was not theirs, killed and raped when not obeyed. I mean, I would not be proud if my grand-grand-grands were such. On the contrary, I would return all they stole and announced their “own”, be in deep shame for what they have done and go get a job. Hell, I am ashamed that the Queen did not do it. I so despise such thing. Its beyond arrogant. Its stealing in broad daylight. Stealing from commoners, which, royals are actually aswell. Just people. The only difference is they are arrogant freeloaders.

In the same time I quite like Nederlands and Sweden so called royals. Again, nothing royal there, at least they get a job, not living a freeloaders life. One dutch prince is commercial pilot. Swedish king cancelled all titles and money from his kids, finally one with some common sense. You have to realise you can not, or should not, feed bunch of people for country´s taxes only because you could not keep your pants on. Just get a job and close this leftover joint. And make a museum out of the buildings.  

I get pissed off on such topics. You can tell all you want, in my eyes they are just result of long line of criminal acts – war, killing, rapes, stealing (they call these acts, obviously, with a different name) etc – and it makes me sick that everyone seems to be pretending they are proud of it. Strange “logic”. Or, people just take its easier to just go with the flow. Cattleforce is something one should not ignore, thats for sure. Look at the war in Ukraine. One idiot has been acting like “royals” since ever. Except his goal is to kill and rape today the same way HM ancestors did hundreds of years ago. I mean he is doing it today. Processes are the same. Taking what is not yours.   

Anyways. Caravan continues to go on no matter what. In my little bubble of life not much joy. Yes, joy of being alive, maybe. The rest is gray everyday, every now and then some stupid problems pop up, then you sort them out. The moment you realise you have half day off and pick a book to read in bliss… an email, an invoice, a phonecall distracts you and again, you lose your track. I have been trying to have my home evaluated for a loan since spring. For this I need to make it look like a girl is living here. You read right. Since spring I need to apply for a loan and I have not been able to clean up my home. I have bikes here, I have plants on my kitchentable, I have constant flow of washing and then dryingrack in the middle of it all. Basically half a year and I have not been able to get the evaluation done. Nobody else to blame.

So I have been tidying up my garden at least. Prepping for winter. If all goes well I will have alliums, tulips and narcissus blast in the spring. Alliums are the ones with huge ball shape flowers, from white to violet colours and up to 1.5 metres high. Then I have taken down some strange bush-like trees that come out of nowhere and I have no idea what they are – I mean they must be rubbish as I recognise the pretty and precious trees like oak, birch, ash and so on. 

Plus you can not predict the weather so when you work and sweat in the garden then you usually do not realise the danger of going out on the wind and sun to get some ease. I mean you get some ease, but together with the ease you get draft. Which equals fever in the evening ….. for three or four days. I just slept for four days straight. Too weak to do anything. Literally just get up, make round in toilet, fall back into bed. Tried to read a book, couldnt keep eyes open. So in total I currently have too much negative emotions in my life. The good emotions come from the warzone when ukrainians take back whats theirs. In the same time its bugging me – its not a kind emotion when you realise you are happy over death. You see, the nature is to be proud when winning. But next thought – holy cow, more than 50 000 stupid russians, most of them young, killed. For what. And why, oh why, they just dont go to war…. I dont get it. The same thought, thousands of ukrainians, kids, women, killed in playground, on street. Raped, burned. What a nice neighbour we have. We know our neighbour well, but not one country in EU listened to us in 2014, nor now, in 2022. Their talking heads are too far from the evil russians. We have lived for almost a century with them right here. We know how their mind works. Just as everyone knows how gypsy mind works. Just as everyone knows how jews mind works. Its stereotypes. But to our unfortunate past its many a times true. I can tell you thousands of stories where the stereotypes are way too mild for russians, they exceed the expectations. In a negative way. I have some nice stories too, but they are seldom, very seldom. The usual keywords for russians are loud, stupid, incoherent, no local national language skills, arrogance, violence. 90% of the prisoners here are russian. Its a closed circle that get ammunition from their own arrogance. You see, they refuse to learn official language. Then dont get a good job because for a good job you need to have the local language. Then they are rather poor. Then they try to get some income. Drugs, criminal acts, drinking. While drunk there is stabbing – companions realised the other drinking buddy “doesnt respect me” and kills the blody bastard. I see its a self-cleaning social group, yes. But its the clearcut results of their own Russian Mir that they praise and sing halleluja to. They dont see the logic, ofcourse. They loudly announce we, local “aborigens” treat them unfairly, refuse to pay them good, refuse to give them a job even. Oh, I feel more and more reluctant even speaking to them. They make me sick. 30, 50, 80! years of living here and they cant say one sentence! Yet I am fluent in russian. Fuck them. Close the border, send them back to their mighty country filled with endless milkrivers and cereal mountains. 

Have the gardenworks still do do. From Nederlads came huge box full of various springflowers bulbs. So hopefully I get them planted within few days. Then there is all. Finito. End of season. Closing the house for winter. Opening only for Xmas wonderland (if there is snow, that is), hot stew, pies, grilling marchmellows on fire inbetween the hills of snow, cocoa and rum. Lots of rum to keep warm. Ice will be produced in the garden as its so clean. Tested, approved 🙂

Love you to the moon and back

Take care of kind people and yourself

Ignore and cut out the evil people

Life is too short to waste on anything bad

Slava Ukraini!

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Its getting closer and closer to autumn. That means gathering crops, apples, mushrooms. Cleaning up the summery stuff that doesnt bloom anymore. Clearing up the yard so one doesnt break legs when everything is covered in snow as high as hips. That means just any minute now there will be colourful leaves, crisp mornings, rain, shorter days. That also means school. A disasterous restart of the nonstop horror for kids 🙂 . The same horror that parents like. Finally get the kids out of their rooms, off from their endless and mostly stupid computergames, off from their back. For some blissful mornings at least 🙂 . The kids sure do not agree. But who is asking!

For some it means prepping for Xmas. Yes, you read right! Those are the real nutters, but I have tried it too. One year I had eyes out on presents already in August. That was, in fact, the most peaceful, calm and pleasant Xmas ever. No last minute running in panic, no worry except the food part. I really really liked it. Had everything ready on time, fridge full of good meats, and wines, bathroom filled with candles and bathoils, and did not have to leave the house for a week! Bliss! If there was no trash to be taken out, I would not leave the house for months on in.

But somehow the start of school always distracts me now. I must write down memocard for this and hang it in the car so I will see it every time I go to drive….

The truth is, I have my Xmas setting up all year long for last three years or so. I am the king of nutters, the god of nutters! I have six stationary Xmas trees up all the time in my cottage. There are different themes, or say coloursettings. One tree is white tree with black ornaments. Its really pretty, probably will set it to my black and white kitchen this year. So whoever wants I can sell it to, all of it or just part of it. The other is all pink, third one is traditional green with orange ornaments. I have a whole Xmas shop in my cottage, actually. Baubles in crates and baskets, all colourcoordinated. Trees (fake ones ofcourse) both green and white. Gifts, you know the unisex sort of last minute or just a kind gesture – knitted toys, socks, scarves, hats, throws, truffels, gingerbreads, macroons, soaps and scrubs. Bits and pieces that I like myself and that are mainly made by myself actually. Knitting away all winter, what else to do if its so blody minus 20 degrees outside…. I also arrange some outings for groups, mainly kids, in my cottage. We do some crafts, mainly Xmas deco. Then there is hot chocolate with marchmellows, obviously, and some gingerbreads, and Swedish cinnamonrolls. If the winds are not killing the mood we do sort of campfire in the pit and grilling sausages on the fire. Kids love it. The sausages taste totally different from anything they have ever tried. And I love it as kids are so funny. Telling all sorts of veird stuff and telling half of it using words I never heard even. You know, modern slang. I am literally not understanding but guessing half of their stories! Yeah, I am getting old 😉 Its like Santas home by the time of the snow comes. Only one missing is the Santa 😉 

Creating sweet memories. I love it. And some of them come back in summer, just to get some sweets from cafe and tell me how they miss this strange outing in winter, with logs in fire and the most tasty veird sausages they have ever had. So its a chance to make plan and come again! Thats why I like winter with a lot of snow. Only with snow its nice, white, clean and crisp. And its pretty like on postcard. 

Except no Santa in that picture… 

Wonder where he is…

A gig or two perhaps, Johnny? 

Themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

or hohoho 🙂 

(not in a kinky way)

Joyous days! Everything is going towards better future. Even thought it has been rather severe heat these days, I have got many things done. The best part is that household is somewhat getting ready for winter – some are clearing crops already, I have some fixing in the garden done, sorting out schooling and fighting with homeless cats´ constant hunger. The last means I just get them huge amounts of feed. One day there was 7 cats at once eating as if they have never eaten in their life. Boy, one of them stole my hot BBQ ribs from the table. All that was left was 1 cm of the bone. Hell, this one chopped right through the bone! Good teeth!

Part of Europe is in fire, we are in a tense situation too. 33C is not very common here, and it has been that hot for some week or so. Today promises the same heat together with heavy rains. Thats a clear sign the weather is fucked up. But we will survive. 

Sitting now in the garden on my terrace, getting 2 in 1 done as usual: writing and sunbathing! Multitasking as always. Actually 3 things in one as I also make plans of what to do today in the garden. Have again been to a speciality shop and bought so many plants I almost could not get into the car myself. Dangerous places. Expensive, yet its always the feeling I desperately need exactly these bushes and these flowers and ofcourse, the tree that has protective powers for house and my sodiac :). So I barely made it out of the shop, happy and poor :). Now I have to sort the plants who to where to plant and get shoveling. 

In the eve starting to go towards the concert that is taking place tomorrow eve in Estonia. The bad seeds and Nick Cave. It will be a blast I hope. Though nothing can beat Rammstein :), but I will not say it out loud. They are two way different artists. And I believe both like eachother aswell. 

So, almost the last call for traveller mr Depp. Please get your ticket, go to the airport, get to the gates and take the trip to Estonia where you will be met by your biggest online supporter, The Mad Hatter. Please advise in advance the time of your arrival to make proper arrangements (no carpet in airport though) by writing to themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Stay cool and hot,

Just to make you jealous. 

Picture this. 1922, Sicily, a young feisty girl… Haah, thats from Golden Girls, not my life…

My life today. Sunshine. 23C. I was having a day off at my cottage. Doing fuckall. Took off bikini to lay down in the sun, to collect, what can easily be the last sun this year. I can smell the autumn, the rain, the mushrooms, already slight plums and apples. So I lay there on terrace, naked. As never ever anyone comes to visit, no neighbours ever come over. I am very private and rather loner. And ofcourse today, since 17 years having no visitors ever just bump in, today was the day. 

Its pretty much the sketch in internet where it states: if your biggest fear is to have spider in bathroom, be sure thats what will be in no time. So, my biggest fear is to have Johnny Depp in my bedroom.

But I was not afraid someone will come to my place unannounced. Yet that exactly what happened. No drama though. Good laugh instead. So now I am focusing on my fear of JD being in my bedroom. 

Aside of the unexpected visitor in my backgarden. Do you know what sunshine and heat do to you? When you are sunbathing naked, all oiled in. And alone. Thoughts start wandering about, shivers there, hunger. Its getting hot very fast, I tell you :). 

Leave you to continue the thinking. Let the imagination fly. 

Just a hint. I was not caught 🙂 but it was a close call! Though I can not be sure as I was facing the sun…

And, Johnny, I am terribly scared to find you in my bedroom!

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Just noticed I have made some typos and general errors in my previous writings. Pardon me. Its just my fingers work faster than brain sometimes. And chances are, I actually dont know how some words are correctly written. Like lay, layed, laid, … and I am too lazy to dig deeper. Because I know you, my dear reader, do understand me 🙂 

Realised also, that I am suffering of insomnia. Its 3 at night. Soon sun comes up. And I am still up, doing fuckall. It not the first night. I think I have been struggling for weeks already. Its not good as soon the schools start and then I should get in schedule again. … and maybe some work will start coming in…. and prepping for winter again…. Lots to do and again, emphasis on lots to do alone. Meaning, its huge amount of stuff to do for one person. But again, I started all this so I am going to carry right to the victorious completion! The world has tought me one should never ever give out promises of ETC, the expected time of completion. Especially on some delivery or completing of artwork or finishing a building. I dont give out such promises since many moons. I dont give them out and I dont make any promises to myself even. Because nothing, and I mean literally NOTHING, depends on me. So even building my house since ever, I can not tell you when there will be running water. I have waited for 17 years. And you see, one more year doesnt really make much difference anymore :). I have become used to getting around without the plumbing and I believe I will have it completed when the time comes. The earth is quaking when the earth is quaking. At the same time I can only promise I give my best. And I always do! Just that it has been years and years of learning, getting hit, by the fact that my best was never good enough. As in one of the Bosses songs in The ghost of Tom Joad album. Probably the top 5 albums of all times. I sure played two CDs to bits.

Anyone into music? Cultural announcements coming up! 

There was a time I was given a chance to fill in for the singer in a band that got contract for few seasons on the international ferryline. One week on board, one free. I ofcourse am no professional singer, but nobody ran out of the discofloor where the stage was. Anyways, I obviously picked the songs that I liked and could sing. So my list consisted of selection of Bruce Springsteen, Richie Sambora, Harry Belafonte, Rosemary Clooney, A-HA, Barbara Streisand, Leonard Cohen. And few of the locals too but it was not really a must as it was international line. So the funny thing is… I worked for food and beer. Again. I used to to it on the land too, when I was teenager. I painted my face to look older, as I had to be 21 to serve alcohol. Figured if I paint my eyelids green I sure look 21 if not more. But I was 15. But I was very good actress I guess as the bar owners believed me and hired me. For food. That time it was still possible to work “unofficially” and get paid in cash every shift or, as I liked, in food and beer. Well, I lied. I only worked for beer. And I slept in the same bar once everyone left. I closed the doors, pulled together some chairs and I miraculously was again first to arrive in the mo!!! Precious worker really! I had no place to live so it worked out for me excellently. Until the owners found out. 

Suddenly I feel heavy eyelids. Maybe my body now agrees to fall asleep…

Love and all,

Nick Cave and the bad seeds, Johnny, dont forget, 18th August in Estonia!!

Let me know by themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Love and all

XXX 

I love. A lot.

I love sunshine. Because its scarce.

I love rain. Because everything smells good after rain.

I love beer. Because its both food, drink and buzz.

I love food. Because I did not have it when I was child.

I love music. Well, I even breath in rythm.

I love sea. We came from there, we go back there.

I love blackcurrants. Because its ultimate vitaminbomb.

I love warm boots in the winter. Because all you need is warm feet to stay healthy.

I love autumnleaves. Because then we know crops is ready.

I love autumn smell. Because soon we will have first snow.

I love old manors and old houses with history.

I love. 

I collect love. By tiny bits every day. I want to have one big bit now. Huge! Unfortunately he is not aware. But as they say, hope is the last to die. How to make us to meet on our “oh so separate and oh so far from each other” roads …. It must look desperate. Get a grip, woman! Buy batteries and focus! Write, work, build a house. Complete something you have started! Well, slapping myself to my face. Sometimes it helps me back to my track. Sometimes, especially when its raining and you can not do any gardening works, it hits hard.

Sometimes I think I will be alone. A lone spinster ´til the last day. Great chances there. Some 99%. The remainig 1% is that someone will be brave (read: nuts enough) enough to stand me. So far I have not met the man. I see they excist, I know they excist, but I know none of them. As they say, the good men are either taken or dead ;). They certainly arent here where I stroll, work or move around. 

I had another unusual dream that I remembered even after I woke up. In the dream Johnny Depp and I were on a blanket in a beautiful sunny garden and we were having picknick. Just held hands and layed there in the sun. Doing nothing. Just being happy. And I remember I gave him a long warm hug and kissed him behind his ear. I love seeing him smile. Sweet man. I would give my all to him. 

Realised some weeks ago that there is a pattern I keep on repeating. I dont like this pattern as so far it only brought me problems. I can not afford such pattern, such choices. Its literally cheaper for me to live alone. Which is pitty as in the end it turns out I dont deserve to be the one that someone else is interested to invest in. You know, at least take me to restaurant. No, nada, nichts. I miss this kind of gallant man. I think of myself as a very feminine gal. High heels, dresses, long hair. But throughout my life I have been sort of forced to be very masculine. Everything – my work, my hobbies and interests, everything is very masculine. I would like to be like a gal sometimes. Someone to bring me flowers, pick me up by car for dinner, sort out why the fuck the floorheating doesnt work. Give me footmassage, run me a bath with oils and candles. You see, I have to do all this all by myself. And, I can and I have done it. But, its not interesting to do it alone. 

Bath, wine and candles, Johnny?

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

love and all,

XXX

Just updating on cultural announcements. The very one that would be of interest for Johnny Depp :). Because nothing else matters ;). Haha, only a few things matter in life in addition to kids, spring, sea, Christmas, music, bacon and beer. And hedgehogs and cats. Ahh, and cream. Cream to soothe broken skin. Again :(. Oh, resque me from this pain, take me to live in warm country near salty ocean. You would see miracle happen right under your eyes.

Still on is the Nick Cave and the bad seeds concert in Alice Coopers´ fav location in Estonia. 18th of August. I plan to park the car, stroll to the castle, open beer and close my eyes. That will be just my ears. No hurry. Sunset, fav music, lazy. I do hope the weather stands nice for this time. Really really hope. I will have private party for one. Unless Johnny Depp joins in that is. 

Slight smell of autumn already. Soon going to forests to pick mushrooms, oh, I cant wait! Delicious!!! I cant wait to get some. We sure are a bunch of wild people here. My colleagues from Europe, from “modern” countries where forest means 600 trees planted by liner and nobody even heard or seen any food being picked from forest, trees, or dug up from plain dirt! You know the ones who soon (or already) think milk grows in cartons…. well meat is already grown in laboratoties so…. highway to hell. Well, so my colleagues were in deep shock when I made them pie of the mushrooms that I had picked. Their look was certain- I am here to kill them by poisoning ;). Hilarious! They were so scared and I must have been looking so dumb that day trying to figure out what the fuck is wrong with them. Then one of my local colleagues came, cut the pie into sectors and ate one piece….. that horror on the “europeans” faces, oh, thats worth millions. Yeah, we must be totally out of their scales for normality.

Hedgehogs. JD, whenever you get here, remind me to tell you the almost world-famous joke that I made involuntarily. Keyword “her majestys Hedgehog”. I will explain in great details how, where and why happened. Its movie material. As most of my boring life.

Then, Johnny, remind me also with few keywords some of the best stories I have to tell you, as I never get enough of these: bar crawling with wooden leg and the Danish professors, Red Square in 1980-s, horny mermaid and Russian peasants (three brothers as usually).

Will have a blast! Come and join me, write to themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com and let me know when to pick you from airport. 

Love and all,

let it be me,

I am watching the series of Hot in Cleveland and Golden Girls already years. Every now and then I get so sad, lonely and hurt I have only one solution to get out of this. So I watch these funny series again and again. It does not give much hope that I ever find someone to grow old with. But the same time I probably will be somehow living with a few girlfriends… you never know. But then again it strikes me that I am not suitable to be in a herd. I love being alone. But this company of myself sometimes is not enough. Then I burst into tears in the middle of cooking or in the middle of the road driving. Like today. Had to stop the car as I could not see the traffic. Dragging my tail in the sea…..

Just checked up on my brother. Same old same old. 

Would 23rd story be the lucky one to finally get to Johnny?

Soon summer will be over. The heatwave in Europe, the heavy rains to ruin the crops, everyday surviving the ever high costs in the country that is the most expensive to live in. Well, yeah, we are leading!!! Leaders in suicide rate and inflation! What else to wish for 😉 

Thats my love story. None. Literally nonexistent. Pity. Sometimes it feels like wasted life. Bird on a wire. Again raining. Crying in the rain, thats how I hide my sorrow and pain. Soothing Leonard Cohen singing me lullabies. 

Some time ago, when I realised I am not enough I thought I will die of the pain. Pain of being dumped, betrayed, realizing I was not important. At all. It was all an illusion. It was good while it lasted. But the emptyness within suffocated for so long, for many years. Ocurring in the middle of fancy dinner, or in check out line. Out of the blue. So painful and sudden. I try to understand what triggered it. Dont know still. Unconsolable. And it turns into long sleepless nights like today. I am writing. Its my solace. Its my getaway. Getaway from constant annoying everyday. I tried to read. I fall asleep. I tried to watch movie, fall asleep even faster. It must be some sort of Pavlov reflex. 

Hope is the last to die

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love and all,