The Mad Hatter

Letter of application.

I just figured I need to sell myself to Johnny Depp as a personal assistant. The ofcourse, I would work towards becoming very personal assistant. You see I have been trained in almost everything a good personal assistants would/should/could know! Except piloting, but that was indeed my higher education goal until I found out the school is in Ukraine. That time I was homeless so no matter how I tried I was not going to make it to Ukraine pilots school. But that doesnt mean I cant get the licence done now. Though not in Ukraine for obvious reasons.

So, about my knowledge and experiences. I speak five languages, but want to learn a few more. Missing are Spanish and Frensh. Though not needed at all in my todays life as there are like seven spanish living here (and they speak English), and I have no business contact either. But that could change, and I would like it to change. I dont list the languages because then one could guess my location. That will be clear only when Johnny Depp accepts my CV for VPA position.

I am an excellent driver. I have clean record, I started early, ealier than allowed some 6-7 years so my experience is actually more years than usual. I could do it because I was rebel and I lived on island where were a lot of forestroads so I just headed out there. I actually worked like sober driver when I was 12 years old. They would not let me into nightclub obviously, but all my friends were legal age so I just drove around getting them to places. Then I also participated in truckrallies for a while. And mind you, that was not Volvo or Sisu or Scania trucks that time. That was killer russian magic called GAZ51 or GAZ52. That means after few rounds driving with this motherf..cker your body colour is blue, violet, almost black, your hands lost contact with your brain long ago and the only thing is to pedal the gas as strong as you can because when you slow down others like you will catch you :). And lets be hones, nobody, NOBODY, catches me on anything. I completed the emergency driver courses – that means the firefighters or police or emergency  – when I get old I might do that as a sidejob. Courses were testing driving skills on high, I would say extreme!, speed, durability – driving 12 hours straight with high speed on boring tracks. Also, ofcourse, the moose tricks and other unexpected situations that could occurr on any drivers life. You know the simple rules that one in real life suddenly struggles with –  like when moose is on the road you avoid, when fox is on the road you add speed and ignore. So I am an excellent driver. My best feature is to park backwards to pocket. Sometimes my friends just get out of the car to watch the magic happen. I know. But they cant do that parking and its hilarious. … Must be that I have a tad too much testosterone in me :). Or, genes! My mom drove everything on land, sea and even helicopter!!! I promise I dont have mustache though!

… Iggy Pop Passenger on now, how appropiate timing!!….

I play. Everything and everywhere! As I am a lot of fun in every possible chance I play cards, poker, pool (for a moment there I am not sure what the term is, either snooker, biljard or pool?). I used to teach the game, so rarely when someone else wins. But I am generous, I can do my best to lose :). I have played golf, like it a lot, but alone is a bit boring….We have very well established discgolf fields which, mind you, are free to use for anyone! Gocarting, tennis, anything goes where is any chance to win! And that includes bedroom too. And there is no losers there.

I have two higher education. Even though I completed them I must say I was naturally so smart that I barely learned anything. I focused on my weaknesses so I went to Uni for financial management, investments and accounting. Basically learned to count money that I dont have. No regrets, got a very good classmates there. Also got first and last English lessons, exams straight A. Its funny because my teacher did not believe I had no previous English lessons but I was the top two students in English lessons. The first place was girl who by that time had learned English for 13 years. And I explained again that I learned from Oxford Dictonary, Modern Talking, Madonna, Gary Moore and Roxette 🙂 and many other artists. And no, I am not saying I am anywhere near perfect in English, plus I also like to play with slang, words, expressions. But I can make myself clear usually. I hope 🙂 

Anyways, the education supported me a bit when getting rather well-paid positions in various international companies. My first real job, after bartending and drinking my teenage years away, was at russian company where nobody spoke anything but Russian. Day in day out my brain worked in Russian mainly and translated everything into local and English languages. Second success came with German company. Then I worked in four languages every day and sometimes my brain shut down when translating on spot – I was speaking to Russians in English, just doing it very slow as if they then would understand :). Fun times!

I am trained in manicure, hairdressing (no colouring though) and massage. Lately I took some cooking courses too. Must say learned a few things, particulary the technical things one needs to succeed. Needless to say thats an excellent combo for someone like Johnny Depp! As I was born female I can do makeup too and pedicure.

I make a mean roast and crepes. I can BBQ such meals not a bone is left! I am a late bloomer in kitchen, but again, my will to win drives me to succeed in every field. As much as I have hosted a party I have delivered excellent food. Yes, its exhausting, but I can do it every now and then because of the satisfaction. 

Things I can do just naturally:

curse well in few languages, especially good in Russian. Extremely suitable for villain role in any Hollywood or independent movie :). 

I am a looker too!

fix things, say washingmashine, lawnmower, coctail

feed someone. Mainly humans but also stray animals

sew things other than curtains. Times were tough here – meaning nothing was sold in shops – so I created my own wardrobe of office suits, pants, dresses, skirts, you name it.

build things including houses, terraces, pergolas, bridges (personal use sizes)

communicate with animals and sometimes with humans. Cats, dogs and human kids like me for whatever they sense in me. Grew up in a farm, so cows, horses, piggies, mutant rodents, wasps and anything inbetween dont scare me. 

Off to beach now

So, if this blog now finally gets to the destined receptionist, please Johnny send me a note to themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

XOXOX

Just sneezed so loudly seven times in a row, I felt as lost part of the brain as it flew out of my nose.

I have not been sweating like that since 30 years or so. Last time I had sweat dripping off my face and even into my eyes was exactly some time 30 years ago when I was rather active in sports – I remember I had long distance runs every now and then but mostly I was doing lightathletics like highjumps, short distances and things like that. I did not like running though because I hurt my knee badly once and that was really painful for the next 20 years…. And that time it was just so much pain every time the weather changed. Felt like old fart when I was teenager. Come rain, come pain. The worst part was that nobody, again, believed me. No doctor, nobody. No help from them. Just put some stincky motoroil on your knee and shut up. Thats the instructions. No painkillers. Dont know….. If your kid is telling you that somewhere is such pain that she or he pisses to pants… I recommend you better believe!

Anyways, so now over some years, the weather is getting stranger and stranger with every season. Last year there was snowstorm in Spain so that all small airports shut for five days. We have had few years such heatwaves that many people lost all or part of their crops. You know, if your all life is to grow potato and you know nothing else in life then you probably in deep shite if all your fields of potatos just cracked and you have nothing to sell and nothing to live on for the next nine months of lousy summerweather (thats sarcasm. We have winter season that long). So now I am trying to do some gardenworks at my summerhouse. I have had two years already the plants waiting for me to dig the holes an plant them to their stationary location where they could blossom. So I have two weeks freedom to do that. Guess what. I took out the shovel yesterday early mo at 7, set it to the visible place so I would not forget it. The heatwave struck me rather hard. I barely came out of the house which is cool like refrigerator due to its extremely thick walls. At midnight I took the shovel back in. Thats the work I do. None. Yet I was sweating like the time 30 years ago – dripping from my face! And I only stood there and did not do anything!!! Oh, yes, I was breathing and apparently that was already too much in 34 degrees heat. European measures, Celsius.

So I thought I am able to walk and trim gras. I put on bikinis, knee-lenght rubber boots and vest, and visir. Took the trimmer, swithched it on. By the time I had done with mere two metres of human-hight weeds I was soaking wet everywhere. Yes, there too. I thought some insects are attacking my bum running down my thighs but turned out it was my own sweat running down my spine and, to my surprise, into my boots! So I was literally squirting along the weedpath, ass wet, eyes full of sweat and thats the best lunch the horseflies were waiting for since many moons. For gods sake they actually torn pieces of flesh off from me, flew up to a tree to feast on it. I mean in addition to the forever insect-inviting sweat I was now bleeding everywhere. This is somekind of horrormovie setting I say! But stubborn as I am, pored myself over with water and completed the job. The moment last weed was cut I dropped the fucking trimmer, yancked the fucking boots, splashed water on my body from the only running water I have – a gardenhose – and ran to house. Oh, lord. This fucking nature is literally killing people with insects. Everything was in pain except nails and hair! I needed aloe bath or something. Took painkillers and lathered myself with some after sun cream and the wonds I treated with whatever medical stuff I could found. So the mean insects that ten or twenty years ago lived in Mediterranean or even in Africa are raging here. I had fever that night. Next mo woke up and from the overdose of insects I felt like I had been struck by streetcar after the wildest night out! I have heard some people are very sensitive or allergic to wasps or so and could even die. Well, take the horseflies adn beat that. I think I died several times that night. Horror.

Anyways, I survived. As I am the real veed! 

Suddenly some heartache stuck me. I suddenly thought. What if the blody wasps and horseflies beat me. And nobody, I say NOBODY, was there to help. I would just lay there in the sun and fade away to eternity. Nobody would have noticed. Nobody would call. I would be there in the field five days already. Only lawnmower would come and cut off my toes of fingers and move ahead only to come back later and rip off my hair. But I would not feel anything as I would be dead for three days already. The “wild” aka homeless cats whom I feed for few years already would come to demand their food.

Nobody else.

They say there is someone in the world for everyone. Well, even in this overcrowded world we now live I seem to be the single sock that the washingmashine did not eat away. The other sock was seen only once when came home from shop and someone put it on. Where is that mysterious second sock? Is there point to look for it or just toss the other one aswell…. I am quiet mostly. I am great fun when partytime. I can laugh hours in. I must be smart. Others say so. But somehow I am single sock. Where is the other sock?

Johnny, would you want to try on this one sock?

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

What a lovely time of the year! What a lovely time of life it should be. Summer, long legs, short skirts, warm breeze, sandy beaches, long kisses, holding hands, telling sweet nothings.

Just realised I never had anything like that. Apart of the summer weather and short skirts. I mean I have usual legs. Not the typical mudstompers look, but nothing unusual either. I am blessed with straight legs, thats for sure, so short skirts caused some real trouble in traffic (no casualities, only heavy and rather costly repairs). But I am talking long kisses, holding hands, telling sweet nothings. I have missed out on those. How did that happen!? Or, I had them, but it was just so long ago that my brain backupfiles have been overwritten? Was there love ever? Was it just lust? Was I used? Did I use someone? Could be my understanding in the past did not match with the understanding of others.

Maybe, just maybe, he loved me but I just simply used him to get off from the streets? He asked me, convinced me for few months before I agreed to move in. I gave up my freedom, exchanged it to roof, warm meals and comfy bed? I just realised that some people could read it as if I was cheap bitch!

Oh, I am having identity crisis or midlife crisis or some other crisis now. Time to buy that Ducati Monster that I always dreamed of? I dont really care what anyone thinks of me. I do anyway as I will, come good or bad out of it. Gutfeeling never failed me. But I am really sad that suddenly when you are down nobody gives a fuck. Over the years we have become so shallow. All gogogo! and no time to just wander off to forests or gaze wildbirds or waves crushing into beach, just sit and do fuck all. I like that English modern expressions :). We dont know how to just BE. As inuits say you only know your true friend when the ice breaks. I sometimes wonder if anyone can know anyone so good there is never any misunderstandings, no conflicts, no errors. Seems, even if you trust, love, give all, you can be destroyed with just one blink of an eye. How else to overcome this tragic betrayal except with being naive again. So we are willing to get hurt again, voluntarily! Funny creatures we are! 

I am very good living on my own, doing as I please, satisfied in general. But then I wake up at night at 3 to go to pee. Its Midsummers night, the longest day here. As I dont have running water (unless I make it run from hose :)) and the toilet is outside in the back of the garden I reluctantly climb out of warm bed and trot to garden. Its already bright, fresh morning, the sun is up high already almost looks like she did not go down even. I go barefoot on the gras, it feels like my feet are terribly thirsty and I cant get enough of this morning dew wet grass. I drag my feet on grass to catch every drop of the water. Everything is so fresh and I feel cold as I just came out of bed wearing only t-shirt. I dont go to toilet, I am too lazy. I squat right here by the terrace. Someone is splashing water in the small lake I have by the house. This someone is very happy! I try to see if its bird or beaver or someone else. Ahh, whoever it was, saw me first and did not come to view anymore. Damn! I do my thing, slide my hands over the wet grass. A natural handwash it is. I slide once more and tap my face with it. Uhh, I am all awake and the same moment I see baby fox in my backyard playing hide n seek with someone. Shouldnt they be asleep?? Its crisp morning, not cold but I am shaking. I run to the door, run upstairs and get to bed dragging all seven blankets over me. I have my personal heating techniques since childhood – I sit as yogi, fold myself into two halves creating sort of a room between my legs and torso, and breath warm air onto my toes. Its good. I thought I will not go back to bed, but these lazy times get me. I wake up two hours later in the same position. Yes, I could join the circus. Its also the reason I dont mind travelling in tight conditions. I just fold myself on my seat and sleep. The ability to fold myself was also very handy when I was out of money. I then went to bar crawling and found a guy or guys, got some drinks and started chatting away. When the talks came to work or hobbies I stated I make bets and I always win. 100% of the time this statement is intriguing. Next they always wanted to know what kind of bets. So I say various, but today I can put legs behind my neck, but it will cost you. Its always a lot of laughing and fun and shouting, but then the mood is also high. So they ask how much and I usually say 500 Eur for one, 800 Eur for two and tell they have to put the money under my drink. So its a blast! Whatever they want after payment done, either both legs or one, I do it right there at the bar on the barstool. If they ask for one I ask them to choose left or right. I once fooled one guy when I said “I can put legs behind the neck” and he did not think much of it…. gave money and I put one of my legs behind his neck 🙂  Then he was slightly dissapointed so I put my leg behind my neck too, to give him the real value :). Yeah, this has been my partytrick but it only works first time. But gave me quite many megapints over the years. I earned my “crazy blonde” nickname with honours! It has been a long time since I earned some hard cash with me legs. 

Time to move forward. 

Its nighttime.

I want to take chances. But dont know how. There is 15 million fans in Johnny Depp Facebook, another countless amount on some fanpages. Haaaaah, thats a huge selection. A lot to choose from. Or not to choose at all. Or choose some old one. Even though everyone knows preheated soup is never good.

If you, Johnny ever see that blog, please be my penpal 🙂

themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Share my blog, anyone?

XOXOX

What could be better than topless and barefoot enjoying warm weather, beer and sunshine, nobody in sight. I guess nobody. If some perv is hiding in bushes, then I am not aware of it. May he have a nice day, may he enjoy the view, the forbidden fruit:) . Or, at least the sight of the forbidden fruit!

Mentally preparing for Midsummers, which here is also a National holiday. So we will have five days off. For some folks it means heavy drinking. For most people it means concerts, huge fires and seeking for love. There are many legends connected to the Midsummers here. Most common, obviously, is that single people will find love in the Midsummers night, which is the longest day in a year and therefore shortes night of the year. In fact it meas just that it doesnt get dark for many hours as usual, just some 2-3 hours dark and then the sun comes up again. I remember, with some help of the booze, that there have been occasions that felt as if the sun never went down even. But that was when I was much much younger. Last such party, when we danced and drinked til 7 o’clock in the mo was probably some 15 years ago. That was so much fun, my friend and I went to Amsterdam to see tulips, more precisely the endless tulipfields and park Keukenof. For me that was some 6th or 7th trip to Amsterdam. That was the best trip ever. I had so much fun, I laughed so hard, we had long days and even longer nights and the funniest thing ever – not her nor me saw a single tulip during this trip! 😉

We still think dearly of that trip. Sitting in streetcafe on the Dam, 10 o´clock in the mo ordered already first bottle of wine. By noon we had already ordered lunch – another bottle of wine. We were so busy all day long, by the time we stood up to go to hotel it was 1.30 at night! Passers by came sat at our table, had a chat, shared a glass, they went on, we remained. I dont know what they thought of us, nobody ever went to anyone elses table…. Maybe we looked odd or …. really dont know. Hilarious. What museum, what paintings and sunflowers, lets do it tomorrow!! And so we smoothly and extremely lazily decided to postpone every day. Even worse – we forgot about the tulips the moment the plane landed!

All of our trips have been similar, no matter if in homecountry or going further. We have a blast always, without us the party doesnt even start. We are always the last standing. There were a few occasions when we were invited to a corporate outing of some 2000 people only to get the party started. Total strangers found us by calling around describing us, until they found out our names and called us. It was a bit strange, but today I think it was like primitive standup (it officially ocurred here only some 5 years ago) we made. We just sat, drank beer, yapped, laughed loudly. And all the rest laughed my laugh. I am not joking here. First I thought its odd, but then my friends said my laugh is highly uncommon and extremely funny. Well, they see from the side, so I have no say in it. 

I only once heard my own laugh, it was not video. I was in some public event. It was the beginning of mobile phones, our lovely neighbour Nokia made such phone where you can record and set the ringtone as you wish. Some put New Kids on the Block song or Sandra or… It was recess and people chatting and then I heard it. Someone, total stranger, had it as a ringtone. I was horrified, it was horrible. It was so incredibly horrible I had to leave the event. The only good thing was this guy did not know it was me, and he seemed really loving it. 

I have now supported local village shop for many a hundreds euros, buying all drinks and food for a week or so. I am the main supporter for this small shop :). They have just two types of beer, two types of icecream, some sausages for BBQ and ofcourse strong alcohol. The last I have not bought since Xmas as thats when it gets extremely cold here and every now and then shot of Stroh 60 is actually a medical treatment. With the cold, snow and darkness we are one of the leading country of depression. Sharing the first places with Finland. We also share the highest amount of strong alcohol per capita. We train well at least 10 months a year, ofcourse we became pros. How else would that turn up then. The only problem is the life expectancy is not as high as everywhere else. First reason is the body will give up – when there is not enough blood in your veins that is. Second reason is your car gives up – especially when driver is totally drunk, not unusual to have full car of casualities. And third – you end up helping yourself to end this misery by going to swim drunk as hell. What a horror when 17 years old, five in one car, going 140km/h in 70km/h and find substantial tree and end up all dead in 3 seconds. It has been our trademark every year exactly this time of year. Wonder who wins this time. We have 2-3 days to go…..

Now heatwave, a whole 24C all day long. Promises some 30C on weekend. Thats the heat when most hide under tree and actually can not dring beer even. We then have new diet – breakfast, lunch and dinner – icecream. And all day long mineral water. Its the seasonal weightloss program. Which means at about Xmas you gain all back again, because to keep warm you need some fat. The longer I live the better I see this phenomenon. I have 8 kilos dissapearing at summer. By the time of February I am literally unsinkable due to the fatroll around my waist. And I have been hearing the same is happening to several of my friends. So I figured its time to move to Tenerife or California or so, I would be size S and remain so for the whole year!! Dream on.

Again, note for Johnny: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

For leisure, 

For love,

For fun, 

For anything good,

XOXO

I dont want to scare anyone off or so but its getting slightly strange even to my own standards.

Before the concert in Helsinki, two days earlier I had the strangest, most vivid dream since many moons. The dream was colourful, not black and white as usually. In the dream the people had faces, not as usually when they sort of “end” by the shoulders 🙂

The dream was so marchmellowy, warm, calm, happy and so very realistic that after I woke up I had to have a few moments to sort of shake myself out of it. It was so real I was unsure if its real life or dream! One usually doesnt remember the dreams, right? In the dream there was sunny weather, summer, lightly dressed people. I greet someone at airport. He comes to me arms wide, gives me the biggest hug ever. We know eachother well, just havent seen a week or so. Its Johnny Depp. We go to a seclusive beach here, in one of the colder countries, and there is handful of people. I see vividly Johnnys sister Christy. She is shining like X-mas bauble, so very happy. She is, as I have said earlier, the toughest gal I have seen. I could feel her through the screen when she gave her testimony on the stupid trial. 

It turns out we have eloped and now starts ceremony.

Well, I say yes to that!

Johnny said to me “Where were you so long, my love. I love you to the moon and back. And few more runs around the moon”

Then I look down and I see I am expecting. Some 5 or 6 months along. Johnny is cuddling me, holding me tight and whispering some sweet nothings to my ears. I am in heaven. He is godsend. He is god. And I am goddess. Finally! Then I see there is one two-year old kid running to Johnny, calling him daddy! Well, isnt that a perfect dream!!

Well, I say yes to that too!

Then I wake up. To the constant battle of everyday. But I carry that dream with me now for a few days already. I love that dream. What if. What if he actually finds this blog and writes me. What if the dream becomes true. Could be, that in fact I am not the kind of person to live alone. Though I like it a lot, i would like someone close to share it with. Maybe. I dont know. Could be he finds me to be like someone straight from hell 🙂

But I shall work forward the dream to come true. Keep tidy at all times, in case he actually shows up. Like a movie!

Oh, indeed a good idea for the movie!!! New era Cinderella story!!! Nutcase from deep countriside meets a worldwide legend and they live happily ever after!

Selfnote. We all know that after significant amount of wine or beer the last night, a few megapints as whole world now calls it, it is always good to engage in some physical activities. For instance mowing lawn, or sit in sauna or have sex if you have anything apart of your own hands available … in general something that makes you drink wast amounts of water. However, be aware that this day you stink as hell. So if you have no means to shower or splash some water on to your important bits, stay an extra distance off from your comrades 🙂

With that note,

Once again to Johnny: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Halleluja!

Love and all,

I have had the best party just now, today! 

Since many years! its only 20.00 here and I am so happy, content.

Had slightly too much of bubbly in restaurant so decided to walk through oldtown to get sober. That did not happen though. I was wobbling through few kilometres on 10 cm heels, and thats on gobblestones :). Must have been a sight even though I am a pro. So when I got home I had another glass of wine. And then aspirin, brush teeth and fell to bed. Sort of wasted time, to be honest. But as I had a lot of fun in restaurant I forgive myself. I usually am the sober driver or just a driver so I cant really drink anything. This time I went by taxi. First time for everything in life 🙂

Shiny shiny leather. Gorgeous voice. This is my new lullaby. 

Hard time waking up this morning

Closed the blinds so I could see

Chasing down my thoughts from clouded memory

Life is one long afterparty

My welcome was long overstayed

Nothing comes close to saving me

Flying in a freefall

Before you know its your last call

Dancing with my demons

Leave my desperation to decide

I live and breathe for you

Stay on these roads

Tumble and fall

Learn that life is ok

You only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Let me keep you warm

Secret place just for us

Screendoor slams, my dress waves

I have been watching you for a while

Are you looking for love?

I have learned to wait

But the wait has been long

You dont know that I am here 

Your mistress 

Or perhaps love of your life

Waiting to cure your heart

With different colours and dreams, without tears

Yipppiiiii!!School is out for summer! 

Flowers, dresses, high heels, parties, bubbly, sunshine, more bubbly!!!

Oh I cant wait this Sunday is my graduation! Havent worn a dress for ages. I mean fancy dresses. Everyday floursacks dont count. Though I am invincible, hot and stylish even in these :). And no, I am not that young. Its not my first, second nor third school but still it was a challenge to keep on going and not to give up. Its not easy to force oneself to switch your years of routine and add one more responsibility. But I made it. Only half of our class who started, finished. Thats a big loss on the way. And even more thats a big thing that I was not lost out of this bunch. I am very proud. And I graduated with honours! Max points on exam! Old but good :). Like vine. 

Currently seems I am not able to get to Helsinki to festival to see Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp. Thats a bummer. It cant get worse than that. Must be faith has been working against me. Devastated. No words can describe what it feels like being so close but still worlds apart. Sea apart. Planeride apart. I can feel him coming closer. I must be nuts. Totally lost me marbles. But I would give all. Nothing less but all. Thats just me. Trying not to cry.

😦

I am thinking of taking on another challenge, sailing. Once I live by the sea, once I am originally from island and my father, grandpa, and literally all grandgrandgrands and uncles …all were seamen. Few of them actually captains! And I have this strange urge always when it comes to sea, beer, rum, fish and oysters, and dancing on tables then I am pretty sure its in my blood. I have been training well over the years too, especially the rum and beer part when I was a teenager pretending to be full aged and working in a bar. You cant run from whats in your blood. The more I live the more I realise that. Going around the world is fun, but every now and then I notice how it drags me back home. Not every day. But when going gets tough. Then I go. Only to realise its suffocating me. I can only briefly endulge in the place where my roots are. As if I have Stockholm syndrome and the island is keeping me hostage. Kept me hostage. And I keep on going back though I know its bad for me. Bad and good at the same time. Good as I see that I got out of the darkest place on Earth. A place that was sweet and warm, and violent and deadly the next moment. I need to see that I made it out. That I am better. I need to see that every now and then to get back on track. I know why I liked horrormovies and thrillers, original and decent ones. Not the weird ones with odd creatures from the outer space, not the ones trying to be comedy and horror in one. I liked to watch them so I could see “they” had worse life than me. It kept my spirits up. Because I was in so deep shit its almost unreal. I am still impressed I survived. And by the looks of it I came out normal. If one can measure it :)…. I know may people who tell me I am totaly the biggest QQ they know. I take it as I sure have a lot of fun being QQ. Would not have it any other way!

There is invisible connection with siblings. I suppose everyone has it… but maybe not. I have. I went years without seeing my brother. First he went to school for three years. Then he went to soviet army for two years. We did not meet because of the distance and because we could not afford trip home. Now as adult I can go, without notice, step in to my brothers place, say Hi, open beer and sit down. Without words. We dont need words. I know its a tad strange. Going after two years and sit in silence with my brother. We hear eachother without words. Its so peaceful, calm. Its my backup. He is my safehaven. Oh, I am crying now. 

I wish I could share the pictures here in the blog. Maybe there is a feature to do that, I have to study the site. I love the weather today. Its not very long summers here, mere three months or so, and its our duty to take max from the sunshine in order to survive next winter. Barefoot running in fields and gardens, swimming in crispy sea (the water obviously is hot for kids, but freezing for adults), sunbathing naked. The last is ofcourse something you need to make sure not to disturb traffic or neighbours with. I was just topless mowing lawn but the blody mashine gave up on me – some bolt has disappeared and I have to fix it. Naked ofcourse, one can be in private garden, not city. And I have just the right place. I have been building my hideout for some fifteen years now, take it or leave it a few. The setbacks came, as always, when one is not ready. My moms passing swept me off from my feet for almost two years. It was immensly exhausting time. All that could go wrong, went wrong. Every single thing. I get exhausted just by thinking about that time. 

In short it was so: 

We broke up my long term relationship, 13 years, while pregnant 5 months. Imagine, I was not enough anymore while carrying his son. 

Moved out with one go, I had just clothes on my back and computer for work.

Went and bought my first real own home.

Then, while I was 6 months pregnant, my mom got stroke, hospitalised, paralyzed. 

I had stroke while 8 months pregnant, half body paralyzed, speech impairment earlier wrote about it. Fun times.

Gave birth to my son.

Got fired from work when son was 1 month old. The company I worked for reasoned it: I got pregnant without telling my bosses. They actually said that. Also stated that my work was done excellent……. So in short I got fired for having sex 🙂 

After getting fired next day I received a call. Mom died.

Then there was a whole year of dark haze. Horror. No sleep, nothing to eat, no power to move. Within this one year following happened:

Ran out of money when son was 1 year old.

Almost got evicted (dont know if thats the correct word, but I almost lost my home due to debts)

Got huge accident at home, 1 in a million chances: water flood over all apartment, destroying all floors and wooden furniture. Luckily insured, but still …. no place to go with my son!!!!

I wish someone could save me, rescue me. I dream of the day when I could be like a girl. I know it sounds like a clishee. But I am sometimes so very sad that I have to be everything, I have to be both man and a woman in my life. Fix lawnmower, build a house, fix my car, change tyres. And then every goddamn day breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, dishes, driving places, AND WORK yet. I am just on the edge sometimes. It becomes too much to handle for one person. I want to be like a girl sometimes. Even with the high level of testosterone. Why I dont get flowers, just like that. Why I dont get to go to fancy restaurant without paying myself. Why there is not even single prince. Where the fuck is this prince? Playing guitar with Jeff Beck?

Oh, my my, how good I am 🙂

The less I sleep the more I am able to do within a day. Sew curtains, bake cake, arrange party, dig holes into garden, clean terrace, feed wild cats (they have multiplied again), dig some more holes into garden. I mean I am invincible! Only problem is that motivation is hard to keep as ten times more is needed to be done. I am creating a huge garden and I have so many flowers that I need to plant to their more or less new forever home. But as I do everything alone it takes me ages. Years and years, but I am really pleased of the “journey” as its hip to say. I would call it work in progress. Hard work, but it really is pleasing when you see progress. Slow, but steady.

I wish I could share it with someone. But apparently I am a difficult person. Too strong and too stubborn. Well, you have to be if you suffered abuse in childhood, lived on streets as a teenager (in region where winter gets -25C degrees) and survived all that. I am not telling everyone my life story, but boy, how annoying are the people who just complain and complain when they can not buy their fav sigarettes of the last model of Nike’s. I just tell them, sometimes, when I am fed up with this yapping… I say, man, you have 10 pairs of sneakers from which each pair cost more than some persons monthly income, you have choice to quit smoking and live healthy. I did have only one pair of sandals in 1994 when the winter hit. Open toe sandals. And no money, no work, no place to live. And I was a child, a teenager from deep countriside suddenly in a big city. Survived the winter by sleeping in the corridors, basements or attics. Got a job, kept myself tidy washing my hair and important bits in the toiletsink at work. Got another job, lied of my age so got a job at a bar. There is agelimit. I said I am 18, painted my face to look older and served drinks. Long hours, drunk clients, stupid job really. Worked for food and drink. Ended up being drunk a whole year straight! 🙂 Fun times! I literally lived in this bar as I still did not have proper place to live, no winterboots, and anyways, all the money I made I converted into a booze. One moment when I was arrested for too loud singing on the street at night, sitting in station filling up papers, I figured there must be different life. Officers said I am underage and they could send me to the institiution which is like a mix of prison and boarding school. I lied that I have home and I will return there, to live with my parents like one does. So they let me go….. There must be sober days, normal work, a place to live, even a normal school perhaps!?

So cut the crap and start living. You havent seen anything, living at moms place at 30 years old, mommy paying all your costs including a fancy car, feeding you. Fuck off you useless brat. That the end of that short “relationship”. I dont waste my time on such people. Nothing in common, not a single similar understanging. 

I still wish to share my life with someone. Someone who understands. Someone who doesnt use me. I have tried. I have even cried. Cried because my efforts were not enough. Understanding it in some odd random moment was so painful I lost contact with life. Was walking-talking-living in a haze, dont remember anything from that time. Sorry, from THESE times. I have had a few relationships that I thought are “forever”. Naive, yes. Hoplessly in love, yes. Was good when it lasted. 

I am thinking that the truth could be each persons own. Meaning one and the same situation could be understood totally different by two people. As in some anecdote the couple goes out and electricity shuts down. Later the lady explains to girlfriends: oo, he was such a romantic! He put on candles and made fire to fireplace, and then we cuddled all night while he remained total gentleman….. The same situation explained by the guy to his friends: fuck, I could not get the dinner done because there was no electicity so I had to put on candles and fireplace to keep warm. As it was freezing we kept close to each other to keep warm. Needless to say I did not score as she fell asleep on my arm so I could not move, real waste of time!

I was in love once. He was 20 years older. Felt as this is forever. He told me he had already 6 kids with 3 different ladies. I could see why. He was hot as hell. Oldest kid was 2 year younger than me. Younger kids, 5 years younger than me, came to my place to hang around…. Charmed his way to my virginity. He was my first love, I was naive. One night he came, dressed fancy, suit, white shirt, cufflings even! I gave my all as always, wine, fireplace, hot steaming fireworks not only in bed. In the mornig he ran out, said he is late to an appointment. I thought it strange as it was Saturday. Two weeks later I found local newspaper that my sister had hidden from me (I would have burned it to make sure, but my sis was not that dramatic…. or she wanted me to see it…). So on the first page was my love, in the same fancy suit, white shirt, shiny and happy. Hand in hand with his new bride he married that Saturday mo two weeks ago. I believe it was near death experience. 

Heard he actually had 3 more kids with 3 different ladies at the time we were dating. Simultaneously dating 4 gals, getting 3 of them pregnant. Really helpful guy. High level personal services. He destroyed me. Never seen him again. 

How can you miss someone or something that you never had? 

Is it craving? 

Immense hope that it is what you really really want?

How can you say you really miss Pontiac Firebird if you never had it? Or is the word “miss” wrong in such occasions? Maybe there are better words for it. 

But I sure miss Johnny Depp. Or is it craving. How can you crave if you never had it? Its so ridiculous because I have never even seen any movie with him in it. Except some train movie just lately. Some murder mystery. Now pardon me for not having memory for names, I am really terrible with names. Especially after stroke. No, I am not that old. I am not an old bat. Yet. But I had stroke some 15 years ago. Learned to talk again. But did not bother to train my memory. Partly because I did not realise I had memoryloss or any issues with memory. 

/sidenote/ I am now watching the word “train” – is there one look but two meanings or am I missing something/ too lasy to look up/ or am I writing the “training” wrong/ 

/sidenote 2/ I probably wrote another wrongly/ “vise” or “wise”/ I started to think one of these doesnt mean anything…. but which one   

Probably a wrong word, miss, missing. Come to think about it. What if the person or thing you “miss” turns out to be a total a-hole, total crap. Or, say you really want a house. You think you want a house. You get a house. Then, to your utmost surprise you realise the lawn needs to be mowed every bloody week and you are the victim that has to stroll around with numb expression for half a day. In few years time you hate every metre of it, you realise its just costs and costs and costs. It will be blessing, they said…..

Or, you figured you really need a man in your life. So you go and get one. Juicy. You are blinded, you are deaf to everyone but him. Promises silver moon and hand in hand walk to the other end of the world. When the butterflies drop dead you realise this bloody guy eats you to bancruptcy! Because, you dummy, figured only the inside counts and you ignored he is unemployed, has no home and loves beer. Just like you love beer, you thought. Then two years later you see your bankaccount and realise he has eaten all your savings and you can forget about the new washingmachine. 

But you are not shallow. 

But you have no savings anymore.

He is still living at your place.

He has brought poor relatives to hang around on national holidays as you feed them all.

Then you hear threats from the poor relatives….stating there are,  in fact, bricks falling and dogs attacking on the street. One of them promises to hunt me down with dogs and have them fuck me sensless. Nice “family”, eh!

What on Earth happen and where was I when all this shit (both situation and people!) ended up to be my responsibility?

So you cut them all off.

Now you are bad.

But at least you can afford living again.

And then you celebrate freedom! 

You put on AC/DC, Metallica, Rammstein or Alice Cooper “Poison” (right now playing!), pour yourself a megapint, pour yourself a nice bubbly bath, set some candles and…

Then you order robot to mow the lawn

Then you order tickets for London just for yourself

Then you change the locks

Then in few months you take that new washingmachine

Love or even “missing” something or someone is just endless costs.

So why?

Endless circle?

Addiction?