The Mad Hatter

Oh, my my, how good I am 🙂

The less I sleep the more I am able to do within a day. Sew curtains, bake cake, arrange party, dig holes into garden, clean terrace, feed wild cats (they have multiplied again), dig some more holes into garden. I mean I am invincible! Only problem is that motivation is hard to keep as ten times more is needed to be done. I am creating a huge garden and I have so many flowers that I need to plant to their more or less new forever home. But as I do everything alone it takes me ages. Years and years, but I am really pleased of the “journey” as its hip to say. I would call it work in progress. Hard work, but it really is pleasing when you see progress. Slow, but steady.

I wish I could share it with someone. But apparently I am a difficult person. Too strong and too stubborn. Well, you have to be if you suffered abuse in childhood, lived on streets as a teenager (in region where winter gets -25C degrees) and survived all that. I am not telling everyone my life story, but boy, how annoying are the people who just complain and complain when they can not buy their fav sigarettes of the last model of Nike’s. I just tell them, sometimes, when I am fed up with this yapping… I say, man, you have 10 pairs of sneakers from which each pair cost more than some persons monthly income, you have choice to quit smoking and live healthy. I did have only one pair of sandals in 1994 when the winter hit. Open toe sandals. And no money, no work, no place to live. And I was a child, a teenager from deep countriside suddenly in a big city. Survived the winter by sleeping in the corridors, basements or attics. Got a job, kept myself tidy washing my hair and important bits in the toiletsink at work. Got another job, lied of my age so got a job at a bar. There is agelimit. I said I am 18, painted my face to look older and served drinks. Long hours, drunk clients, stupid job really. Worked for food and drink. Ended up being drunk a whole year straight! 🙂 Fun times! I literally lived in this bar as I still did not have proper place to live, no winterboots, and anyways, all the money I made I converted into a booze. One moment when I was arrested for too loud singing on the street at night, sitting in station filling up papers, I figured there must be different life. Officers said I am underage and they could send me to the institiution which is like a mix of prison and boarding school. I lied that I have home and I will return there, to live with my parents like one does. So they let me go….. There must be sober days, normal work, a place to live, even a normal school perhaps!?

So cut the crap and start living. You havent seen anything, living at moms place at 30 years old, mommy paying all your costs including a fancy car, feeding you. Fuck off you useless brat. That the end of that short “relationship”. I dont waste my time on such people. Nothing in common, not a single similar understanging. 

I still wish to share my life with someone. Someone who understands. Someone who doesnt use me. I have tried. I have even cried. Cried because my efforts were not enough. Understanding it in some odd random moment was so painful I lost contact with life. Was walking-talking-living in a haze, dont remember anything from that time. Sorry, from THESE times. I have had a few relationships that I thought are “forever”. Naive, yes. Hoplessly in love, yes. Was good when it lasted. 

I am thinking that the truth could be each persons own. Meaning one and the same situation could be understood totally different by two people. As in some anecdote the couple goes out and electricity shuts down. Later the lady explains to girlfriends: oo, he was such a romantic! He put on candles and made fire to fireplace, and then we cuddled all night while he remained total gentleman….. The same situation explained by the guy to his friends: fuck, I could not get the dinner done because there was no electicity so I had to put on candles and fireplace to keep warm. As it was freezing we kept close to each other to keep warm. Needless to say I did not score as she fell asleep on my arm so I could not move, real waste of time!

I was in love once. He was 20 years older. Felt as this is forever. He told me he had already 6 kids with 3 different ladies. I could see why. He was hot as hell. Oldest kid was 2 year younger than me. Younger kids, 5 years younger than me, came to my place to hang around…. Charmed his way to my virginity. He was my first love, I was naive. One night he came, dressed fancy, suit, white shirt, cufflings even! I gave my all as always, wine, fireplace, hot steaming fireworks not only in bed. In the mornig he ran out, said he is late to an appointment. I thought it strange as it was Saturday. Two weeks later I found local newspaper that my sister had hidden from me (I would have burned it to make sure, but my sis was not that dramatic…. or she wanted me to see it…). So on the first page was my love, in the same fancy suit, white shirt, shiny and happy. Hand in hand with his new bride he married that Saturday mo two weeks ago. I believe it was near death experience. 

Heard he actually had 3 more kids with 3 different ladies at the time we were dating. Simultaneously dating 4 gals, getting 3 of them pregnant. Really helpful guy. High level personal services. He destroyed me. Never seen him again. 

How can you miss someone or something that you never had? 

Is it craving? 

Immense hope that it is what you really really want?

How can you say you really miss Pontiac Firebird if you never had it? Or is the word “miss” wrong in such occasions? Maybe there are better words for it. 

But I sure miss Johnny Depp. Or is it craving. How can you crave if you never had it? Its so ridiculous because I have never even seen any movie with him in it. Except some train movie just lately. Some murder mystery. Now pardon me for not having memory for names, I am really terrible with names. Especially after stroke. No, I am not that old. I am not an old bat. Yet. But I had stroke some 15 years ago. Learned to talk again. But did not bother to train my memory. Partly because I did not realise I had memoryloss or any issues with memory. 

/sidenote/ I am now watching the word “train” – is there one look but two meanings or am I missing something/ too lasy to look up/ or am I writing the “training” wrong/ 

/sidenote 2/ I probably wrote another wrongly/ “vise” or “wise”/ I started to think one of these doesnt mean anything…. but which one   

Probably a wrong word, miss, missing. Come to think about it. What if the person or thing you “miss” turns out to be a total a-hole, total crap. Or, say you really want a house. You think you want a house. You get a house. Then, to your utmost surprise you realise the lawn needs to be mowed every bloody week and you are the victim that has to stroll around with numb expression for half a day. In few years time you hate every metre of it, you realise its just costs and costs and costs. It will be blessing, they said…..

Or, you figured you really need a man in your life. So you go and get one. Juicy. You are blinded, you are deaf to everyone but him. Promises silver moon and hand in hand walk to the other end of the world. When the butterflies drop dead you realise this bloody guy eats you to bancruptcy! Because, you dummy, figured only the inside counts and you ignored he is unemployed, has no home and loves beer. Just like you love beer, you thought. Then two years later you see your bankaccount and realise he has eaten all your savings and you can forget about the new washingmachine. 

But you are not shallow. 

But you have no savings anymore.

He is still living at your place.

He has brought poor relatives to hang around on national holidays as you feed them all.

Then you hear threats from the poor relatives….stating there are,  in fact, bricks falling and dogs attacking on the street. One of them promises to hunt me down with dogs and have them fuck me sensless. Nice “family”, eh!

What on Earth happen and where was I when all this shit (both situation and people!) ended up to be my responsibility?

So you cut them all off.

Now you are bad.

But at least you can afford living again.

And then you celebrate freedom! 

You put on AC/DC, Metallica, Rammstein or Alice Cooper “Poison” (right now playing!), pour yourself a megapint, pour yourself a nice bubbly bath, set some candles and…

Then you order robot to mow the lawn

Then you order tickets for London just for yourself

Then you change the locks

Then in few months you take that new washingmachine

Love or even “missing” something or someone is just endless costs.

So why?

Endless circle?

Addiction?

And more fizzy! 

A megapint or two!!!

Yipppiii!!!

Extremely pleasing weather for the occasion, and, as a seasonal must I do have rhubarb pie already on my desk together with “kids” coffee. That means strong bit of coffee with a lot of milk foam on top. So you start out as drinking milkfoam and then it hits you and then you are well awake within a second.

I am not a morning person. Far from it. I am not a day person either. Come to think of it, I am not a night person too. But forced into a common form. As in the common understanding of proper living. Never liked it. Always an outcast. But if you want education, well-paid common job or any job at all, simply a bread under your ham and good layer of real butter, then you need to blend in. I have managed rather well the blending in throughout the years. I think. Not everyone else thinks so. 

I have been called bitch, arrogant, wannabe, and above all, they call me stubborn. They are probably right considering they see from the side. But most people call me kind, hilarious, give-your-last-shirt-kinda person. It has been conflicting situations as we live in a country where the nerves are on edge always. Yes, in fact, conflicts are everywhere, but here they are specific. 

Specific in a funny way. Today some of the weird things we have had are risky biz to talk about. But its our history. For someone coming from abroad, from far away country you try to explain what to expect. So some 20 years ago I introduced, in some level of naive manner, our country and myself to my new employer, a German company. I told shortly main points to questions that I have had over the years from foreigners I met. So that included 5 main points.

1. we do have electricity

2. we have own language, own money, even a president quite our own and quite famous one in the world too

3. we have 4 tramlines 

4. we have 4 black persons in our country. We all know them by face and name. One of them is Raoul who works as a postman

5. we are not Russia, though we used to be part of this horror-land

Needless to say the boardmembers were in deep shock, silence fell over the hall where we run our meeting and presentations. Either bad in geography, politics or school in general. But after a pint of beer we got relaxed and from that day on we had excellent cooperation. Humour really unites. Though that was (and still is!) real life for us, just told in a funny way.

Sheik Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum was here again, pedalling in city on his bike, being extremely happy as nobody gave a rats ass about him being here. As we do. Before that visit he stated he had “unearthy” experience while walking around in the city – nobody paid any interest on him. Basically for us he is just a dark-skinned hansdome guy on bike. Or horse. Must be odd for people with such calibre. He is the richest guy on Earth. Someone counted. Someone counted it would take 2 years to count his cash. I dont know how many people is needed to count all the cash….. He participated on horseracing as its his job. His speciality is duration races, as Paris-Dakar, but on horses. I would not mind such job, going around world trotting about on horses. Rumour has it he is playing with the idea of moving here. That would be fun. He could just buy all of our country at one go, paying cash out of pocket, and become king. Hot king in cold northern country :). Until first snow that is. Then he is off on his private plane. We have seen such happen before :). Its all nice beer, BBQ, seaside, short skirts and long legs in summer, but when those disappear then there is just blinding white and cold. So cold you can rattle your teeth out. I have seen that too.

There is a joke going around about us and our pleasant ignorance (its not a joke for us though). When the covid hit, we too had the new rules installed i. e wearing masks, not touching, keeping distance with anyone at least 2 metres. Now, masks and no touching was easy. However, 2 metres requirement was and is extremely difficult for us to fulfill and partly never fulfilled because we are used to keeping 5 metres apart. We are highly individual here, obviously with some exceptions. 

Sorry now, have to run. 

May you have perfect Birthday, all the blessings, perfect weather, no worries! And a red balloon!

Once more, Iggy Pop here on 14th June – care to join?

The Mad Hatter came to life by an extraordinary chance. A video popped up in my Youtube playlist. Dont quite know how it works, so was rather surprised. Watched it, in shock. Realised world is spinnig by and I had no idea whats going on……

So, I won the bet.

Out of the blue my friend asked years ago what do I think of Johnny Depp getting married to a fine vixen called Amber. Showed me a pic of her. Or even pic of them…

Right there and then I gave them a year, two max.

I won.

Now I did not know that I had won for many a years! Just found out few weeks ago, in the beginning of May 2022 that this horror of a life has occurred and going on for some 6-7 years already. Fascinating, sometimes amusing, overall extreme sorrow, and a huge amount of surprise. Surprise that the human stupidity truly is, as Einstein said, never ending.

I find it very disturbing that The Mad Hatter has been treated in such bad way lately, for quite some time already, without any break. I just lately closed a courtmatter that lasted 3.5 years, and I was exhausted of it. My counterpart had, and still has, never ending stupidity too. 

I knew it was a really bad decision for these two to get together in the first place. But I suspect I know why it happened. We all want love, companionship, understanding, backup, support. But the Mad Hatter got blindsided, got fooled. Its really unfortunate, its a pity. Because when you look back to the beginnig of this relationship, you feel pain of lost time, lost happiness. Because all this time, every day, every night of this “wrong” relationship, one could have been in the “right” relationship. Some say people tend to choose a companionship similar or familiar. Could be. Some again say, people tend to choose a companion right the opposite to what they are used to. Could be it depends on how old the soul is. The older the viser? Everyone wants to be vise. Everyone wants to make good decisions, good choices. But, as Russian proverb goes: “we wanted to do the best, but turned out as usual”. So I try to remind myself, that no matter what, accept whats coming. 

I hope the theory of “there is no coincidence” would be valid every now and then. That means if your heart is telling you to do someting, to give your all to fulfill the dream/ goal/ future thenyou should do it. Plus, when somehing eats you up alive, thats a sign.

So I figured to take first step towards my own happiness, if you wish. As in another proverb: if Allah doesnt come to mountain, mountain comes to Allah. So I go. 

I hope the magic of Internet would work, I hope this writing gets response from Johnny Depp. I realised its like with lotto – you sure will not win if you dont buy a ticket! So I am hereby buying a ticket. A big one. Because if not, I eliminate any chance of winning. And, everyone wants love, companionship, understanding, support. And I have plenty of these to share.

So suddenly my everyday warnews from Ukraine got slight disturbance. Poping up for reasons unknown are the news of Hollywood. Well, lets see. Oh, what a load of crap. But interesting crap. As I realised I have won a bottle of rum! However, its inhuman. The torture. Years to carry the shit around. Shit, that you had nothing to do with. There is always something good in everything. I hope so. For instance I decided to take on a new modern way of expressing myself. I, the one remaining dinosaur in IT, technology, internet, vlogs, Insta – I have not much clue what is going on…. I have only heard some bits and pieces. So I have taken up a modern way of blogging. To get the terrible things out of me. So to not suffocate under the weight of this terrible situation.

It has been growing inside me, I cant hold it in without going mad. All the evil past that I had hidden in the farthest corner of the darkest cellar in my head. All the evil is starting to fidget again, its all starting to surface again. All thanks to the wrongdoing blasted all over the Internet, Youtube videos, news, all popping up on my screen. Out of the blue as I certainly have not subscribed nor order anything… Thats probably the magic that the dino doesnt know yet.

First things first.

His eyes. From the very first time he came to the screens it was visible. The pain, sorrow, incredible sadness. One can’t delete it from the eyes, one can’t hide it. However, not everyone is able to see. I see.

I have seen such eyes a few times in my life. They usually are owned by someone who comes across as a class clown, joker, funny guy, comedian. You know them, but you usually do not realise they are hiding a huge secret. They look fine. But they really barely surviving. 

The Mad Hatter, incredible kind, slightly twisted, tortured, yes, but so very kind. So incredibly unfairly treated. I recognised this guy immediately in Scissorhands, but liked more as a Mad Hatter. My kind of nutter. Always outcast. Its odd that I never ever fit in to anything. I was the only one in my class that was not accepted to be pioeer in Soviet era. I was the only one in my class that had all A-s. I was the only one living in countryside. I was the only one bullied, from the first day in kindergarden to the last day in school. I am still kicking. Still outcast, but still kicking.

Now. I saw many videos of the courtmatter. Saw gorgeous woman, Christie, in witness stand. Tough gal, would not want to be caught redhanded by her! The moment she said “we had to find green branch for punishment” I knew exactly what she has been through. I know exactly why it had to be green. I have been looking for them myself. Failing to find one fast meant another 10 hits. And that was a good day. A real vaca mode, one would say. The usual was belt, but not the leather end. That was not good enough. Metal buckel in a shape of a heart, and with sharp edges, thats the right way. I was rotting alive as no medical aid was provided. No cream, no nothing. Nothing got cured, as every day, 19.00 sharp, I got a fresh 20 with heart of metal. I was just 3.5 years old when it started.

I need to change the subject. 

Its night now, 2 o’clock. From the past memories I have a severe headache. Not always, but again, I am hardly ever remembering this horror. It took me 25 years to get over it. Almost. As one can never fully recover from such.

How incredibly kind, calm and soothing is Johnny Depp voice. I find it really hard to believe this horrible situation is just now years going on and rolling open on the internet. I find it really hard to believe this all, with all these horrible details, are being discussed in courtroom. I find it really hard to believe A. Heard has not yet stated guilty, paid the costs and hide in the deepest corner of the Earth. She is only contributing to an increasing amount of shame to herself. Thats the Einstein theory right there! Just add arrogance and stir.   

I would love to be in The Mad Hatter tribe. I would hold him gently. I would hide him from the world when needed, there is plenty of places where to hide and nobody would give a shit. Its a place where people of similar statue have been seen many a time. And nobody even blinked an eye. We are good pretenders. We pretend we dont see. We pretend we dont hear. For centuries it meant surviving. Surviving in mean weather. Surviving various kings declaring our land theirs. Surviving 5 if not 6 different wannabe kings. Its still in our blood. Its a good place they say. Crossroad. A good spot as we have all good stuff here – sea, wildlife, wild people :). Air so fresh you have blemish on your skin from sudden change. I live here. Endless forests, beach, forest hut. Pick mushrooms for dinner. Catch a fish for sauna night and if dearing make own beer to go with it. The last takes a bit longer. But time we have.

I have always thought the life we live here would make a good film. Then again, I find this film would be just so goddamn boring for people who are used to todays modern life. I dont have a running water in my home. And some 10 years back there was no mobile reception either. Its a perfect spot for detox. Detox of everything.  

Life is a birdsong. Thats so true. This reminded me one episode of Oprah, where, about 10 years old boy terminally ill, said, each person has a heartsong. Its what you are meant to be. Its what you are meant to do in your life. One should not waste the heartsong. That means one should not waste time on bad, evil, stupid things. Instead, one should reach for better, give all to create better. Better anything. I am sure the boy passed away shortly after the airing. I still cry for him. Dont remember his name. But I cry. As he knew his heartsong early on. I only found it a few years back, being already senior if you will.

I wish the magic of Internet would work and The Mad Hatter would see this “incredible cool and sweet writing” 😉 and! take it as an invitation to the other end of the world. Its Europe, dont be afraid. We have civilisation. Time we have. I wish I could turn back time and make todays horror disappear. Unfortunately that is not possible. However, when the agony ends, one should make an U turn and follow his heartsong.