The Mad Hatter

I dont want to scare anyone off or so but its getting slightly strange even to my own standards.

Before the concert in Helsinki, two days earlier I had the strangest, most vivid dream since many moons. The dream was colourful, not black and white as usually. In the dream the people had faces, not as usually when they sort of “end” by the shoulders 🙂

The dream was so marchmellowy, warm, calm, happy and so very realistic that after I woke up I had to have a few moments to sort of shake myself out of it. It was so real I was unsure if its real life or dream! One usually doesnt remember the dreams, right? In the dream there was sunny weather, summer, lightly dressed people. I greet someone at airport. He comes to me arms wide, gives me the biggest hug ever. We know eachother well, just havent seen a week or so. Its Johnny Depp. We go to a seclusive beach here, in one of the colder countries, and there is handful of people. I see vividly Johnnys sister Christy. She is shining like X-mas bauble, so very happy. She is, as I have said earlier, the toughest gal I have seen. I could feel her through the screen when she gave her testimony on the stupid trial. 

It turns out we have eloped and now starts ceremony.

Well, I say yes to that!

Johnny said to me “Where were you so long, my love. I love you to the moon and back. And few more runs around the moon”

Then I look down and I see I am expecting. Some 5 or 6 months along. Johnny is cuddling me, holding me tight and whispering some sweet nothings to my ears. I am in heaven. He is godsend. He is god. And I am goddess. Finally! Then I see there is one two-year old kid running to Johnny, calling him daddy! Well, isnt that a perfect dream!!

Well, I say yes to that too!

Then I wake up. To the constant battle of everyday. But I carry that dream with me now for a few days already. I love that dream. What if. What if he actually finds this blog and writes me. What if the dream becomes true. Could be, that in fact I am not the kind of person to live alone. Though I like it a lot, i would like someone close to share it with. Maybe. I dont know. Could be he finds me to be like someone straight from hell 🙂

But I shall work forward the dream to come true. Keep tidy at all times, in case he actually shows up. Like a movie!

Oh, indeed a good idea for the movie!!! New era Cinderella story!!! Nutcase from deep countriside meets a worldwide legend and they live happily ever after!

Selfnote. We all know that after significant amount of wine or beer the last night, a few megapints as whole world now calls it, it is always good to engage in some physical activities. For instance mowing lawn, or sit in sauna or have sex if you have anything apart of your own hands available … in general something that makes you drink wast amounts of water. However, be aware that this day you stink as hell. So if you have no means to shower or splash some water on to your important bits, stay an extra distance off from your comrades 🙂

With that note,

Once again to Johnny: themaddesthattereverseen@gmail.com

Halleluja!

Love and all,

I have had the best party just now, today! 

Since many years! its only 20.00 here and I am so happy, content.

Had slightly too much of bubbly in restaurant so decided to walk through oldtown to get sober. That did not happen though. I was wobbling through few kilometres on 10 cm heels, and thats on gobblestones :). Must have been a sight even though I am a pro. So when I got home I had another glass of wine. And then aspirin, brush teeth and fell to bed. Sort of wasted time, to be honest. But as I had a lot of fun in restaurant I forgive myself. I usually am the sober driver or just a driver so I cant really drink anything. This time I went by taxi. First time for everything in life 🙂

Shiny shiny leather. Gorgeous voice. This is my new lullaby. 

Hard time waking up this morning

Closed the blinds so I could see

Chasing down my thoughts from clouded memory

Life is one long afterparty

My welcome was long overstayed

Nothing comes close to saving me

Flying in a freefall

Before you know its your last call

Dancing with my demons

Leave my desperation to decide

I live and breathe for you

Stay on these roads

Tumble and fall

Learn that life is ok

You only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Let me keep you warm

Secret place just for us

Screendoor slams, my dress waves

I have been watching you for a while

Are you looking for love?

I have learned to wait

But the wait has been long

You dont know that I am here 

Your mistress 

Or perhaps love of your life

Waiting to cure your heart

With different colours and dreams, without tears

Yipppiiiii!!School is out for summer! 

Flowers, dresses, high heels, parties, bubbly, sunshine, more bubbly!!!

Oh I cant wait this Sunday is my graduation! Havent worn a dress for ages. I mean fancy dresses. Everyday floursacks dont count. Though I am invincible, hot and stylish even in these :). And no, I am not that young. Its not my first, second nor third school but still it was a challenge to keep on going and not to give up. Its not easy to force oneself to switch your years of routine and add one more responsibility. But I made it. Only half of our class who started, finished. Thats a big loss on the way. And even more thats a big thing that I was not lost out of this bunch. I am very proud. And I graduated with honours! Max points on exam! Old but good :). Like vine. 

Currently seems I am not able to get to Helsinki to festival to see Jeff Beck and Johnny Depp. Thats a bummer. It cant get worse than that. Must be faith has been working against me. Devastated. No words can describe what it feels like being so close but still worlds apart. Sea apart. Planeride apart. I can feel him coming closer. I must be nuts. Totally lost me marbles. But I would give all. Nothing less but all. Thats just me. Trying not to cry.

😦

I am thinking of taking on another challenge, sailing. Once I live by the sea, once I am originally from island and my father, grandpa, and literally all grandgrandgrands and uncles …all were seamen. Few of them actually captains! And I have this strange urge always when it comes to sea, beer, rum, fish and oysters, and dancing on tables then I am pretty sure its in my blood. I have been training well over the years too, especially the rum and beer part when I was a teenager pretending to be full aged and working in a bar. You cant run from whats in your blood. The more I live the more I realise that. Going around the world is fun, but every now and then I notice how it drags me back home. Not every day. But when going gets tough. Then I go. Only to realise its suffocating me. I can only briefly endulge in the place where my roots are. As if I have Stockholm syndrome and the island is keeping me hostage. Kept me hostage. And I keep on going back though I know its bad for me. Bad and good at the same time. Good as I see that I got out of the darkest place on Earth. A place that was sweet and warm, and violent and deadly the next moment. I need to see that I made it out. That I am better. I need to see that every now and then to get back on track. I know why I liked horrormovies and thrillers, original and decent ones. Not the weird ones with odd creatures from the outer space, not the ones trying to be comedy and horror in one. I liked to watch them so I could see “they” had worse life than me. It kept my spirits up. Because I was in so deep shit its almost unreal. I am still impressed I survived. And by the looks of it I came out normal. If one can measure it :)…. I know may people who tell me I am totaly the biggest QQ they know. I take it as I sure have a lot of fun being QQ. Would not have it any other way!

There is invisible connection with siblings. I suppose everyone has it… but maybe not. I have. I went years without seeing my brother. First he went to school for three years. Then he went to soviet army for two years. We did not meet because of the distance and because we could not afford trip home. Now as adult I can go, without notice, step in to my brothers place, say Hi, open beer and sit down. Without words. We dont need words. I know its a tad strange. Going after two years and sit in silence with my brother. We hear eachother without words. Its so peaceful, calm. Its my backup. He is my safehaven. Oh, I am crying now. 

I wish I could share the pictures here in the blog. Maybe there is a feature to do that, I have to study the site. I love the weather today. Its not very long summers here, mere three months or so, and its our duty to take max from the sunshine in order to survive next winter. Barefoot running in fields and gardens, swimming in crispy sea (the water obviously is hot for kids, but freezing for adults), sunbathing naked. The last is ofcourse something you need to make sure not to disturb traffic or neighbours with. I was just topless mowing lawn but the blody mashine gave up on me – some bolt has disappeared and I have to fix it. Naked ofcourse, one can be in private garden, not city. And I have just the right place. I have been building my hideout for some fifteen years now, take it or leave it a few. The setbacks came, as always, when one is not ready. My moms passing swept me off from my feet for almost two years. It was immensly exhausting time. All that could go wrong, went wrong. Every single thing. I get exhausted just by thinking about that time. 

In short it was so: 

We broke up my long term relationship, 13 years, while pregnant 5 months. Imagine, I was not enough anymore while carrying his son. 

Moved out with one go, I had just clothes on my back and computer for work.

Went and bought my first real own home.

Then, while I was 6 months pregnant, my mom got stroke, hospitalised, paralyzed. 

I had stroke while 8 months pregnant, half body paralyzed, speech impairment earlier wrote about it. Fun times.

Gave birth to my son.

Got fired from work when son was 1 month old. The company I worked for reasoned it: I got pregnant without telling my bosses. They actually said that. Also stated that my work was done excellent……. So in short I got fired for having sex 🙂 

After getting fired next day I received a call. Mom died.

Then there was a whole year of dark haze. Horror. No sleep, nothing to eat, no power to move. Within this one year following happened:

Ran out of money when son was 1 year old.

Almost got evicted (dont know if thats the correct word, but I almost lost my home due to debts)

Got huge accident at home, 1 in a million chances: water flood over all apartment, destroying all floors and wooden furniture. Luckily insured, but still …. no place to go with my son!!!!

I wish someone could save me, rescue me. I dream of the day when I could be like a girl. I know it sounds like a clishee. But I am sometimes so very sad that I have to be everything, I have to be both man and a woman in my life. Fix lawnmower, build a house, fix my car, change tyres. And then every goddamn day breakfast, lunch, dinner, laundry, dishes, driving places, AND WORK yet. I am just on the edge sometimes. It becomes too much to handle for one person. I want to be like a girl sometimes. Even with the high level of testosterone. Why I dont get flowers, just like that. Why I dont get to go to fancy restaurant without paying myself. Why there is not even single prince. Where the fuck is this prince? Playing guitar with Jeff Beck?

Oh, my my, how good I am 🙂

The less I sleep the more I am able to do within a day. Sew curtains, bake cake, arrange party, dig holes into garden, clean terrace, feed wild cats (they have multiplied again), dig some more holes into garden. I mean I am invincible! Only problem is that motivation is hard to keep as ten times more is needed to be done. I am creating a huge garden and I have so many flowers that I need to plant to their more or less new forever home. But as I do everything alone it takes me ages. Years and years, but I am really pleased of the “journey” as its hip to say. I would call it work in progress. Hard work, but it really is pleasing when you see progress. Slow, but steady.

I wish I could share it with someone. But apparently I am a difficult person. Too strong and too stubborn. Well, you have to be if you suffered abuse in childhood, lived on streets as a teenager (in region where winter gets -25C degrees) and survived all that. I am not telling everyone my life story, but boy, how annoying are the people who just complain and complain when they can not buy their fav sigarettes of the last model of Nike’s. I just tell them, sometimes, when I am fed up with this yapping… I say, man, you have 10 pairs of sneakers from which each pair cost more than some persons monthly income, you have choice to quit smoking and live healthy. I did have only one pair of sandals in 1994 when the winter hit. Open toe sandals. And no money, no work, no place to live. And I was a child, a teenager from deep countriside suddenly in a big city. Survived the winter by sleeping in the corridors, basements or attics. Got a job, kept myself tidy washing my hair and important bits in the toiletsink at work. Got another job, lied of my age so got a job at a bar. There is agelimit. I said I am 18, painted my face to look older and served drinks. Long hours, drunk clients, stupid job really. Worked for food and drink. Ended up being drunk a whole year straight! 🙂 Fun times! I literally lived in this bar as I still did not have proper place to live, no winterboots, and anyways, all the money I made I converted into a booze. One moment when I was arrested for too loud singing on the street at night, sitting in station filling up papers, I figured there must be different life. Officers said I am underage and they could send me to the institiution which is like a mix of prison and boarding school. I lied that I have home and I will return there, to live with my parents like one does. So they let me go….. There must be sober days, normal work, a place to live, even a normal school perhaps!?

So cut the crap and start living. You havent seen anything, living at moms place at 30 years old, mommy paying all your costs including a fancy car, feeding you. Fuck off you useless brat. That the end of that short “relationship”. I dont waste my time on such people. Nothing in common, not a single similar understanging. 

I still wish to share my life with someone. Someone who understands. Someone who doesnt use me. I have tried. I have even cried. Cried because my efforts were not enough. Understanding it in some odd random moment was so painful I lost contact with life. Was walking-talking-living in a haze, dont remember anything from that time. Sorry, from THESE times. I have had a few relationships that I thought are “forever”. Naive, yes. Hoplessly in love, yes. Was good when it lasted. 

I am thinking that the truth could be each persons own. Meaning one and the same situation could be understood totally different by two people. As in some anecdote the couple goes out and electricity shuts down. Later the lady explains to girlfriends: oo, he was such a romantic! He put on candles and made fire to fireplace, and then we cuddled all night while he remained total gentleman….. The same situation explained by the guy to his friends: fuck, I could not get the dinner done because there was no electicity so I had to put on candles and fireplace to keep warm. As it was freezing we kept close to each other to keep warm. Needless to say I did not score as she fell asleep on my arm so I could not move, real waste of time!

I was in love once. He was 20 years older. Felt as this is forever. He told me he had already 6 kids with 3 different ladies. I could see why. He was hot as hell. Oldest kid was 2 year younger than me. Younger kids, 5 years younger than me, came to my place to hang around…. Charmed his way to my virginity. He was my first love, I was naive. One night he came, dressed fancy, suit, white shirt, cufflings even! I gave my all as always, wine, fireplace, hot steaming fireworks not only in bed. In the mornig he ran out, said he is late to an appointment. I thought it strange as it was Saturday. Two weeks later I found local newspaper that my sister had hidden from me (I would have burned it to make sure, but my sis was not that dramatic…. or she wanted me to see it…). So on the first page was my love, in the same fancy suit, white shirt, shiny and happy. Hand in hand with his new bride he married that Saturday mo two weeks ago. I believe it was near death experience. 

Heard he actually had 3 more kids with 3 different ladies at the time we were dating. Simultaneously dating 4 gals, getting 3 of them pregnant. Really helpful guy. High level personal services. He destroyed me. Never seen him again. 

How can you miss someone or something that you never had? 

Is it craving? 

Immense hope that it is what you really really want?

How can you say you really miss Pontiac Firebird if you never had it? Or is the word “miss” wrong in such occasions? Maybe there are better words for it. 

But I sure miss Johnny Depp. Or is it craving. How can you crave if you never had it? Its so ridiculous because I have never even seen any movie with him in it. Except some train movie just lately. Some murder mystery. Now pardon me for not having memory for names, I am really terrible with names. Especially after stroke. No, I am not that old. I am not an old bat. Yet. But I had stroke some 15 years ago. Learned to talk again. But did not bother to train my memory. Partly because I did not realise I had memoryloss or any issues with memory. 

/sidenote/ I am now watching the word “train” – is there one look but two meanings or am I missing something/ too lasy to look up/ or am I writing the “training” wrong/ 

/sidenote 2/ I probably wrote another wrongly/ “vise” or “wise”/ I started to think one of these doesnt mean anything…. but which one   

Probably a wrong word, miss, missing. Come to think about it. What if the person or thing you “miss” turns out to be a total a-hole, total crap. Or, say you really want a house. You think you want a house. You get a house. Then, to your utmost surprise you realise the lawn needs to be mowed every bloody week and you are the victim that has to stroll around with numb expression for half a day. In few years time you hate every metre of it, you realise its just costs and costs and costs. It will be blessing, they said…..

Or, you figured you really need a man in your life. So you go and get one. Juicy. You are blinded, you are deaf to everyone but him. Promises silver moon and hand in hand walk to the other end of the world. When the butterflies drop dead you realise this bloody guy eats you to bancruptcy! Because, you dummy, figured only the inside counts and you ignored he is unemployed, has no home and loves beer. Just like you love beer, you thought. Then two years later you see your bankaccount and realise he has eaten all your savings and you can forget about the new washingmachine. 

But you are not shallow. 

But you have no savings anymore.

He is still living at your place.

He has brought poor relatives to hang around on national holidays as you feed them all.

Then you hear threats from the poor relatives….stating there are,  in fact, bricks falling and dogs attacking on the street. One of them promises to hunt me down with dogs and have them fuck me sensless. Nice “family”, eh!

What on Earth happen and where was I when all this shit (both situation and people!) ended up to be my responsibility?

So you cut them all off.

Now you are bad.

But at least you can afford living again.

And then you celebrate freedom! 

You put on AC/DC, Metallica, Rammstein or Alice Cooper “Poison” (right now playing!), pour yourself a megapint, pour yourself a nice bubbly bath, set some candles and…

Then you order robot to mow the lawn

Then you order tickets for London just for yourself

Then you change the locks

Then in few months you take that new washingmachine

Love or even “missing” something or someone is just endless costs.

So why?

Endless circle?

Addiction?

And more fizzy! 

A megapint or two!!!

Yipppiii!!!

Extremely pleasing weather for the occasion, and, as a seasonal must I do have rhubarb pie already on my desk together with “kids” coffee. That means strong bit of coffee with a lot of milk foam on top. So you start out as drinking milkfoam and then it hits you and then you are well awake within a second.

I am not a morning person. Far from it. I am not a day person either. Come to think of it, I am not a night person too. But forced into a common form. As in the common understanding of proper living. Never liked it. Always an outcast. But if you want education, well-paid common job or any job at all, simply a bread under your ham and good layer of real butter, then you need to blend in. I have managed rather well the blending in throughout the years. I think. Not everyone else thinks so. 

I have been called bitch, arrogant, wannabe, and above all, they call me stubborn. They are probably right considering they see from the side. But most people call me kind, hilarious, give-your-last-shirt-kinda person. It has been conflicting situations as we live in a country where the nerves are on edge always. Yes, in fact, conflicts are everywhere, but here they are specific. 

Specific in a funny way. Today some of the weird things we have had are risky biz to talk about. But its our history. For someone coming from abroad, from far away country you try to explain what to expect. So some 20 years ago I introduced, in some level of naive manner, our country and myself to my new employer, a German company. I told shortly main points to questions that I have had over the years from foreigners I met. So that included 5 main points.

1. we do have electricity

2. we have own language, own money, even a president quite our own and quite famous one in the world too

3. we have 4 tramlines 

4. we have 4 black persons in our country. We all know them by face and name. One of them is Raoul who works as a postman

5. we are not Russia, though we used to be part of this horror-land

Needless to say the boardmembers were in deep shock, silence fell over the hall where we run our meeting and presentations. Either bad in geography, politics or school in general. But after a pint of beer we got relaxed and from that day on we had excellent cooperation. Humour really unites. Though that was (and still is!) real life for us, just told in a funny way.

Sheik Hamdan bin Mohammed bin Rashid al-Maktoum was here again, pedalling in city on his bike, being extremely happy as nobody gave a rats ass about him being here. As we do. Before that visit he stated he had “unearthy” experience while walking around in the city – nobody paid any interest on him. Basically for us he is just a dark-skinned hansdome guy on bike. Or horse. Must be odd for people with such calibre. He is the richest guy on Earth. Someone counted. Someone counted it would take 2 years to count his cash. I dont know how many people is needed to count all the cash….. He participated on horseracing as its his job. His speciality is duration races, as Paris-Dakar, but on horses. I would not mind such job, going around world trotting about on horses. Rumour has it he is playing with the idea of moving here. That would be fun. He could just buy all of our country at one go, paying cash out of pocket, and become king. Hot king in cold northern country :). Until first snow that is. Then he is off on his private plane. We have seen such happen before :). Its all nice beer, BBQ, seaside, short skirts and long legs in summer, but when those disappear then there is just blinding white and cold. So cold you can rattle your teeth out. I have seen that too.

There is a joke going around about us and our pleasant ignorance (its not a joke for us though). When the covid hit, we too had the new rules installed i. e wearing masks, not touching, keeping distance with anyone at least 2 metres. Now, masks and no touching was easy. However, 2 metres requirement was and is extremely difficult for us to fulfill and partly never fulfilled because we are used to keeping 5 metres apart. We are highly individual here, obviously with some exceptions. 

Sorry now, have to run. 

May you have perfect Birthday, all the blessings, perfect weather, no worries! And a red balloon!

Once more, Iggy Pop here on 14th June – care to join?