The Mad Hatter

Take my hand, and hold on. 

I am standing right here for you. 

Monroe hips.

My secret love is Tom Waits. 

One of many secret loves that I have 😉

Came out of home today. Blast of heavy rain to my face. Wet in an instant. Why to bother really. I didn’t bother checking the weather first. So I was mentally ready it will be nasty. Autumn is the season of adulthood, ripeness, juicy smells. And death. Giving up. Running out of last power to stick around. Losing reasons and motivation. A small step more and it’s sterile soft white snow. Just a small moment away. Dreadful. Yet my favourite time to fiddle with my inside thoughts, calm down. Calm with another round around. Full moon. Or aurora borealis. There is more and more aurora here it seems. Or, people have more and more fancy equipment to take videos and pictures of it at night. That could be the reason. But I don’t bother. I would love to go to end of Norway to see the aurora, here I am just too lazy. I don’t bother to do any fun thing alone. Kind of pointless. Aah, for the ones that don’t know what aurora is: it’s called also Northern lights or also Polar lights. It’s the magic of sky turning into colourful play of lines, waves, twists and turns at night. There are, for instance, see-through campings in Northern bit of Europe that one can rent and just lay in bed and watch the incredible show through the glass roof. Another thing that has no point in doing alone. 

The positive side of autumn is that stuff gets ready. And school starts again. In our dark part of the world being idle in winter would result in chaos. We need something to keep us busy. Otherwise we would just drink ourselves to death. Some folks do that actually. Either drink so much that body gives up, or drink a lot and then go driving and end the trip right on the roadside by that huge tree. Tho I certainly was born in a wrong country…. It took me years to realize that. I always felt out of place. Every winter I died. Physically. For 5 months in a row. Agony. Until I took my suitcase and left for a few weeks in winter. I realized I need sun. More sun that we have here. I came back from the trip and the energy that I gathered from the sun lasted another two weeks here. It was an interesting realization. I also found out many people here live a two phase year – some half year here, other half in Thai or Tenerife or any other warm place. These folks must be geniuses. And rich enough. I aint much rich especially today with the war going on next door. So far my work has been physical – actually moving things around. I have not been able to find the magic of online work that the young people do. I am right there – too old for some things, young for other things.

Now ever more I seek for something called alternative lifestyle. Could be someting to do with languages, travels, design. Don’t now really. AI is taking the language skills over. Soon we will go around waving hands only, as a language. As we do already sitting in the trafficjams 🙂 the singlanguage has taken over long ago. Going back to basic! Simple pleasures, simple ways. Who would have thought thirty years back that young people seek for a farms, countrylife to raise a family and to grow their food. Live indeed goes in waves. Waves in each persons own life, choices, happenings. And bigger waves as in society in general. Hipsters took over suburbs ten years back, now that’s not hip anymore. Today young folks with babies and toddlers roam in countrysides to find livable housing and dump the citylife. Well, that’s a welcomed move! Especially if you know how to survive in the country, read: know how to earn a living. Being homeless in city is much more easy then being homeless in a countryside. Believe me, I know well. Too well. 

So the sun is up now. Smells of autumn. I will dig up my autumn gear, all them pullovers, cardigans, hats, scarves, boots. Probably need an umbrella too as I love a stroll in forest or park in autumn. The best time of the year. Until better time comes :).

Stay warm and cool

PS. JD, I am sure the parcel I sent has reached the destination. Could you please give me a sign.

Just call me.

Just write me.

There must be written in the stars.

Something.

Something good.

There must be something good after so much bad.

For you.

For me.

For us.

For a new start.

Only good.

Even though every now and then I like to read some fancy predictions of sodiacs or “birth” cards or what not, and mellow myself in the nice daydreaming and visualizing some fun, lovely, life-changing movie-like situations…. still, most of the times, it just gets down to common sense. And I am down to earth person. After all that I have been through. After all that I have seen. But why not? Why not something good and unbelievable to be happening to me? Who decides that? I sure work towards something. Something good. Something so absurd that it makes no sense. These bits are the best. Nobody believes. And when those strange things happen it’s like godsend. Strangest encounters, impossible happenings, once in a lifetime things. I want one of those. Just one. Who said it’s not for me?

Some ten+, or 15+?. 20+?, years ago I went to cinema to see the “all-good-reviews” movie called something like “Love. Live. Laugh”. Beyond dissappointed. I have never seen more boring crap in my life. Because to watch boring films I usually don’t go to. And, when that happens, I recognise immediately it’s stupid movie, take on comfy pose and fall asleep within five minutes. Or leave. I have paid many a times for sleeping in the movietheatre. But that movie. I stayed and I stayed awake hoping it will be good now. Or now. Or now. Anything funny, please. No. I stared of the screen hoping it will be twist out of boredom into some fun. No. Pissed off. I could have hoovered the floor or washed the linens or what not. There is one thing I hate in life. It’s wasting time on stupid things. That was certainly stupid movie. I regret nothing but that movie and falling in love. I regret falling in love that one time. I was blinded. I was in so deep. I was so stupid. But it was sweet. Until I realised he used me. You know the guy who came to me to fuck all night and in the morning said he had work appointment…. The fucking part was good as always. But the “appointment” was on Saturday :). Two weeks later I saw in newspapers him on the front cover, all dressed and neat with his brand new wife. I am not sure what I thought that moment. I was in such shock. After that he did not come to meet me. I must have felt useless. Used and useless. What do men think when they fuck around months and days before their wedding?

I am jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin. I am jealous of the wind that ripples through your clothes. Such a lovely song. The world was on fire and no-one could save me but you. It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do. I never dreamed I meet somebody like you. Another song that makes my heart sink. And the same time it makes me sing. Until my throat clogs up on tears. 

But I dream. 

Constantly.

That keeps me going. 

That keeps me awake.

I have sent the parcel with the skript. Actually a few scripts. I will keep on writing. Those bits are not completed. I have to take break from writing because it’s suffocating at times. When the memories struck. They struck hard and exactly when you don’t expect. The voice. I hear. I have excellent hearing. I can recognise a car by the sound of its engine. I can recognise person by her or his voice. I hear when person smokes. I know I am nuts. But it’s true. The way the voice changes. I can hear when person lies to me. Because the voice changes. You just can’t fool me. So better not try. It’s always better to not lie. Better not try to lie. I hear it in your voice. I have a hearing of a blind person, my mom said. And it is a blessing and a curse the same time. Truth wins. There is a saying one can be fooled just once. As I understand it means you have wasted your chance if you try to fool me. There is no second chances in my life. I don’t know if it’s good or bad. I have been burned so bad it doesn’t leave any room for second chances. I guess. Even if the person was/ is great I can only give one try. Even though I have tried. I tried to ignore some of the greatest insults ever. But in the end it did not work out. For instance I thought once with the “happily ever after” guy that I don’t mind that he bought his ex a car for my money. I tried. I tried to ignore it. I tried because he was a good man. Good man but so socially so incredibly dumb that it amazes me to this day that he has live to be 55. But I failed :). So we parted. And he still doesn’t understand one doesn’t buy a car for ex for the money girlfriend gives. Go figure. Maybe I am dumb then :). 

Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment. This lesson was well learned and I still keep on learning. 

Thinking of upcoming winter. Clearing up garden. All those flowers that done their blooming. It is a sort of a therapy. Digging in the soil, cleaning up, burning the little fire with sticks and some leaves. Setting up new flowerbeds. I now have excellent lavendel borders everywhere. I shall make more like that. It will be like French countryside next year. Boy, I am mighty!

School. Who can forget about upcoming new schoolyear! Soon must go to the most dreadful of tasks ever – shopping. I hate that. There are only few things I ever hated with all my heart. I usually consider myself extremely tolerant. Until the shit hits me and I realise I also hate stupidity and russians. But those two became synonymus last year and a half ago. I hated them ruzzen already earlier but I put on a good faith thinking the ones I met were minority. It turned out I was wrong. They are all stupid as fuck. Majority, ok, majority are dumb as fuck. 

Anyways. I write this in a secret place. With 7th beer and brie and prosciutto crudo and some ciabatta. No, I am not in Italy though I really would like to be. Maybe later. Later I will go to Italy to cheer myself up. Rome. Or Sorrento. Or even Sicily. It’s really odd how your body recognises things. Like my body recognised that my roots are in Malta and Italy. Before I knew it. It was like dejavu. And only after a few trips I looked up our family history and I kid you not, in 1635 was the first church books’ writing of our greatgreatgreatgreatgereat…..fathers who figured life in Malta and Italy was way too boring and came up north for fun and easy life :). Before that escape they were warriors in Burian wars in todays Tunisia. That’s why my mom had pitch dark wavy hair with blue shine. My grand-dad had afro 🙂 which here, all white country in the beginning of 1900s, was very rare to say the least. No, it’s even today rare because we are still 99,9 % white (read: who wants to live in this shithole of a country ;)). I have only warriors character and plain potato coloured hair with a touch of red. I get a killer tan tho. 

Anyways, Johnny, give me a sign that you received the package well. Comments on the contence most welcome. Even if you send me straight to hell. I am literate so I understand 🙂

Stay cool 

Stay warm

Celebrating summer, love, birds, blue skies, and, foremost – school is out for summer! Just like Alice Coopers song! Kept the celebration decent, which is easy for me in daylight ;). Indulged in a real nice sea-side restaurant, with lovely creations coming out of kitchen and fine selection of really nice wines. Had a blast! I love this place as it’s right on the beach and they are among the top 5 restaurants in our country. I just love it there! Sort of obsessed really, going too often there ending up knowing their own menu better than the staff :). Watching some kids play in sand and in the sea!, ferries and cruise liners passing by, sipping bubbly and sunbathing. Gorgeous day!

But that very same day made me realise how I miss adult conversatsions, fun talks, fun walks, holding hand or just sitting in silence doing nothing. Saying nothing. And still knowing it all. I miss knowing what is said without words. This divine connection between two people. When you are in different countries you know exactly what the other one is doing. I have had it in my life. But, as the faith has it, not always meant to last. Which is pity as you sort of feel that you have wasted time. Really painful. A lot of time infact. Years! Bittersweet realisation. When you realise the other person wasn’t really into it. Wasn’t really into you. Such a sad mix of emotions, with huge part of it telling you are useless, not wanted, not loved. Well, and you think…. at least I had fun, we had fun while it lasted. 

Even though you used me all the possible and impossible ways. For instance I gave you money to get rid of debts. And you went and bought car to your ex with this money. Which means the debt remained. And you were upset that I dumped you after I found out of this fancy gift you made to your ex. You played it like it’s my fault, my guilt :). That was a fun play. Didn’t think there are such men outside! But now I have seen it all. 

Has been some time since I last was out. It has been ages since I was out out. Really out, with dancing and drinking and singing-screaming lungs out. Kinda miss a good night out. But ofcourse don’t miss the next morning much. In advance already. But I am well prepared and waiting! Now some concerts coming up, Megadeth and Scorpions and Till Lindemann and I think to myself, hell, I will take max out of all cultural events coming up. Even without holding hands! I can do everything alone. Hell, I have done everything alone! Just sometimes there is this crippling feeling of getting fed up fighting alone. I just want to share. My life. Sort of. Without any strings attached. Just to see where it goes. Like a river. Just wonder out and see where you end up. And with whom. Sure I have an idea of who the “whom” would be, as the reader here knows too. That’s like a distant dream that will never come true. But it’s still a good dream. Someone told long ago dreams are a must. They are the inner power to get you going and keep you going. Especially the horror dreams or nightmares :).

So here I am. Sunbathing nude in my garden. Broad daylight. Sort of working day for all the common people. I am writing this with my head in the shade and the rest of me in the sun. A real pro I say! Wild birds never shut up, they kept me up whole night yesterday and it seemed the sun never went down either. The birds are so cool and used to me being around they come pretty close to me. Like few feet away. So I put them a little saucers with water out because it’s now peak of heat for few weeks. Hasn’t rained at all for a month. All grass is burned and most households can not use drinking water to save their gardens. I, however, have no drinking water at my place yet. So I can water all my garden and nobody can tell me off or give me ticket. I have a lake at my garden. Which doesn’t mean I let the water run non stop, no, I just have my flowers watered at night. And pray to Thor to get some rain soon. He loves me, so he will be around soon. He loves all blondes busty chicks sunbathing naked. What normal man doesn’t? So I have prepped good for him to hear my prayers :). Any day now.

The out out thing tho. I probably will have to get my ass to London or Berlin or even Vienna. Or Amsterdam. These places are good for incognito strolling around and being naughty. Not that I am much naughty but I like when nobody knows me. There is ofcourse the chance that I run into a fellow countryperson. I always have. But then I keep quiet and pretend I don’t understand a word they say. I prefer new people, new views on life, new information. 

So now in few days officially the summer starts. I haven’t even sawn (whats the word for putting potatoes into ground?) potatoes yet. Such a mighty manager of my houshold. Frostbite took all my tomatoes, apples, pears, cherries. Probably a strong hint from invisible forces to cut down on eating 🙂

Anyways, tuuduluu to everyone, keep warm and cool,

Love to all,

May all have only good things happening,

Slava Ukraini!